So, things didn’t go as planned. I was going to come out to my wife at the therapy appointment on Sunday, but between the anxiety attacks and guilt of lying to her, I told her last night. I was also afraid that she would see the appointment as being ganged up on. I want her to trust the therapist not reject him. I feel responsible for her feelings since I have caused them so I reaffirmed her willingness to attend the therapy appointment with me. I know logically I can’t control her feelings but I wanted to give her a chance to seek help. I hope the therapist will help navigate our new reality. I stayed true and haven’t been with anyone, I am getting her to a therapy appointment to help her out and adjust. I can’t think of anything else I could do? Suggestions? I know it is only a matter of time before we eventually part but I still love her as a best friend.
Hi I came out to my wife about two years ago. I'm bisexual and wanted to stay married to my wife. So, it is a different for me since our goals are different. When I came out to my wife, I wanted to assure her that our marriage really was, and in my case is, real. That I loved her dearly and that would never change regardless of what happens down the road. I didn't want her to believe the marriage was a sham. Most of us who have same sex attractions do not go into marriage with the idea that we are dishonest and hurtful. I didn't even really understand my sexuality. I also wanted her to see that I haven't changed. She just has more information now about the man she fell in love with. Communication is very important right now. And, so is taking things one day at a time. There will be periods of sadness, anger, frustration and denial. This is normal and you just have to let your wife process. I want to congratulate you on coming out to your wife. This was the hardest thing I ever did and one of the most rewarding. This may be hard to see right now. But, things will get better. Take care man Nick
Thank you Nick, it is tough to see. I feel one weight lifted replaced by another. That is all I can do, take one day at a time
Hey SelfT, I applaud you for doing what I know is one of the most difficult things you will ever do. Beyond what you've said here in this thread, I don't think there's really much more you can do right now, except to be available if she wants to talk. Be open and honest, as it sounds like you are already. You didn't say how it went or describe her reaction. You should also be prepared for her to go through different stages as she processes this. Spouses are often initially in denial, and a common next reaction is anger. If you haven't already experienced it, you should know that most spouses will go through an anger stage. We're here with you, so please let us know how it goes.
She broke down in tears since this wasn’t the first time I mentioned having same sex attractions. She said she “knew” I would come later to tell her that I am gay. She was afraid of the therapy appointment and what she might hear.
It sounds like she was in denial as much as you were given that you had already told her of your same-sex attractions. She wanted to believe you were straight as much as you wanted to believe. I think you should suggest that she find a therapist for herself, someone who can help her to heal from this. Please continue to write and share your journey with us.
We had another long discussion last night, she had done some googling and had a couple of articles for me to read. One was Joe Kort dealing with mixed orientation marriage and another was from a conservative Christian group, basically the gay man denouncing his homosexual side to continue being married. I had previously read the Joe Kort article. I pretended to read the other. After that I was asked if that is what we are, I said in the technical term, yes. I said I am gay, you are straight and we are married. She then went on about loving each other and she said that our previous sex life was more about me than her and always was. OUCH!!! I never considered myself “a stud” but she always told me I was a considerate lover. We talked and she said finally she wouldn’t be with anyone, and I wouldn’t either. BUT she accepts that I am gay. She even said “you can have some friends”. REALLY??? Trying to be compassionate and supportive and understanding I felt like she said “be gay, let guys turn you on, look through the window at your new found self, but don’t do anything with it. As a consolation prize we won’t have sex with each other because you aren’t attracted to women, and I won’t have sex with anyone as well”. I feel like I am living in a Will & Grace episode. So I can “visit” my feelings and pine for them but at the end of the day I have to shove them away because I can’t incorporate them fully into my life. I am really trying not to be bitter, and to give her time to process all of this but damn it’s hard!!! I was all prepared to be asked to leave immediately or as soon as I could find a place of my own. I wasn’t prepared for the reaction I got, because I couldn’t see a 40 something year old gay man staying in a hetero marriage without intimacy.
Hey What do YOU want? Ambivalence about staying married may decide it for you. To remain in a MOM takes a lot of work and a non-traditional approach at relationships. And, I am including gay relationships in this category when they resemble heteronormative opposite sex relationships. At least half the gay guys I know, that are my age, were married to a woman at one time. Most all of these guys either have, or desire, a gay marriage that was similar. One guy to have and to hold.....there may be some play outside the marriage that is sanctioned. But, the goal is to grow old together in a house with a picket fence. I love my wife, our sex life is poor (she has no sex drive any longer). But, I don't desire that heteronormative relationship with a man. So, I look for different ways to express my sexuality with men that is compatible with my marriage. You may not be satisfied with that. You may need the "one" man in your life. This may sound harsh. I'm not trying to be discouraging. But, a MOM is possible IF everyone involved is getting what they need and is willing to be creative in how they get what they need. One can desperately love someone of the opposite sex and have a fulfilling sex life with someone of the same sex. I do this. It's not easy. I had to let my disclosure of my sexuality to my wife sit for awhile before we discussed integrating my sexual needs into our marriage. It takes patience and understanding. Your wife may come around. Mine did. IF that's what you want. Nick
Thanks Nick. I feel I want to explore and express my my gay side. I want to remain supportive of my son, and I want to have an amicable relationship with my wife or ex-wife. She is dead set on any open marriage ideas. In fact when I brought it up last night she looked at me and reminded me of a conversation we had years ago. I had said I was glad to be married, I wouldn’t want to have to find someone. She then with a disgusted almost hateful face said “I don’t know why you would want to go be with a man especially this day and age with all the disease. . .” Deep breath, deep breath. . . Ooosssssaaaaahhhh. . .
SelfT My wife reacted a bit that way and still does. But, she is learning. My rules, originally, were that I could do limited intimacy. She defined this as kissing, showers, handjobs, frottage, nibbling. No oral. I broke the oral rule pretty quick...my first hookup, the guy went down on me. I immediately told her and she just laughed because she knows how much I like it. She understood I would like getting oral but not receptive. I had to pretty graphically say that I wanted to experience someday "sucking a ....". She was a little disgusted I think. But, a week or so later she gave me some "pointers". Although she insists on no xxx in my mouth. Intercourse was forbidden. But, one day I told her I wanted someday to experience it. "Being bisexual means I can be just as into m2m as any gay man". This really put her back for awhile. But, I met a young guy with very little experience and my wife met him and agreed she was comfortable with us "doing anything". I admit that I allowed some of my wife's opinions to cause me to believe that some gay sex was distasteful. It has taken some time to accept that it isn't and it is OK to desire it. I still haven't had the discussion with my wife about how fulfilling intercourse with a man was for me. I think there is still some fear that she will think less of me. It's all a process and you just have to take it a step at a time.
I am definitely trying to go slowly and to let her process. I jokingly told her Deadpool looked fun, the part where they celebrate international women’s day. That I think is as close as I could probably get to telling her things I want to try. Any graphic details she would probably be unwilling to hear. Looking through the gay porn sites I definitely would be willing to try almost anything. Almost.
