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Coming out with ZERO relationship experience to talk about?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Blue90, Jan 30, 2018.

  1. Blue90

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    I’m female, 27, and gay and feeling the time to come out is very soon.

    I have zero actual relationship experience with any gender. I have nothing beyond what I have felt for another person. Obviously there have been one way crushes/long term unrequited love from my side which is how I know I love girls! But nothing further, not even a kiss with anyone.

    Is this going to hinder my coming out?
    Will it make it less believable to people?

    I could make up a story about a sexual experience with a girl (no one would know) but the whole point of coming out is to end the lies isn’t it?!

    I didn’t want coming out to happen whilst I was in a relationship. I think that’s too messy and not fair on the other people involved?

    Any thoughts or experiences?
     
  2. Percy15

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    You don't need to have a sexual/romantic experience to come out. When and how you come out is completely your decision, and you don't owe it to anyone to do it in a certain way. Whether or not you've been in a relationship doesn't change who you're attracted to.
     
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  3. LittleMouse

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    You don’t need to ‘prove’ your sexuality by having had experience. Society often makes non-straight folk feel like that, so you’re definitely not alone. There is no need to make things up, plenty people don’t have relationships until they are older than you.

    For anyone that asked me about relationships, I either politely told them it was none of their business or asked them if they knew they were attracted to <insert gender they date> prior to dating someone for the first time. Worded correctly, which will depend on the person, I found that to work quite well.

    For those I was closer to, I did say I didn’t really date much or come out about sexuality when I was younger because I was confused (the truth) but it’s up to you if you want to share anything like that.

    Personally, I do think if you are feeling in a position where you are able to come out, it would likely make dating less stressful. If you’re not out, there is always that ever present fear of being ‘outed’. It’s different for everyone though and there is no ‘correct’ order. You have to take into account your full situation.

    Best of luck!
     
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  4. Denial

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    I'm pretty much in the same boat as you, I had a boyfriend once but that was it and we only held hands, never kissed. I came out to my parents and my mom said I need more relationship experience but she was otherwise accepting. Personally I wouldn't lie that you've had a girlfriend, you wouldn't want to replace hiding your sexuality with hiding something else.
     
  5. PatrickUK

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    I knew I was gay from around the age of 13 - years before any sexual experience. How did I know? In just the same way as you know.

    The idea that we have to have sex to know our sexuality is just wrong and it's not a standard we set for people who are heterosexual. We'd never think of asking a straight person if they only knew for sure once they had sex. If it doesn't apply to them, it doesn't apply to us.
     
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  6. Blue90

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    I know you’re right really, but it feels super awkward. Can’t win either way.
    I feel like if I wait until I have ‘proof’ i.e. a girlfriend then I’d feel terrible for dragging her through the mess too. But I’d be able to do the thing where you say “see look how happy she makes me!” You know?!
    But getting a girlfriend when you’re totally closeted wouldn’t be easy so I guess that’s why I’ve gotta come out first.
    Straight people don’t know how lucky they are!
     
  7. Blue90

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    Thank you Patrick! It is ok to just KNOW isn’t it. I don’t know why we set these double standards for ourselves. Like you say that’s reason enough - and any straight person who asks will get that response from me. It’s actually not like it’s any of their business what sex I’ve had with who. But coming out is essentially like announcing who I enjoy/think about having sex and a relationship with isn’t it?! I.e. who I want in my bed!? So it feels like it will give people a free run to go there when it probably really shouldn’t?

    Anyway coming out whilst I’m single will do my future girlfriend a favour eh?! Hopefully she’ll thank me for avoiding the drama and won’t be too disappointed at my lack of skills/experience!
     
  8. TJ

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    Truly.
    [​IMG]

    But seriously, don't let your fears convince you that you need to 'prove' anything. It's true that a great way to improve your chances of finding a same-sex partner is to come out. :thumbsup:
     
  9. Blue90

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    That’s interesting. Do you feel your mum isn’t taking you seriously as she said she thinks you need more relationship experience?

    No I’m not creating anymore lies for myself to deal with. I’ll hopefully be suitably vague about my experience with girls that people won’t know whether it’s things I’ve thought about or things I’ve actually done with girls.
     
  10. Blue90

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    Haha and I can’t wait for that day when I find that partner - I hope she’s patient with my inexperience!!
    Feel like I can’t wait much longer to come out now. It’s just eating away at me every hour of every day!
     
  11. womaninamber

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    I'm 50 and I still haven't been with a woman! I kept thinking I would only know for sure if I were with a woman (romantically and/or sexually) but now I know that's not true and I'm ready to come out. I'm so glad you feel secure. Good luck with everything!
     
  12. Blue90

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    If you’re ready good luck. I think I’m ready too. I’m not sure about feeling secure. But for years now I’ve been through the cycle of being ready and talking myself out of it. Hopefully I can push through the doubt this time. I’m terrified but excited in equal measure. It’s such a bizarre mixed up feeling!?
     
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  13. Denial

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    It is strange because at first she did take me seriously but then she didn't. She says she'll love me no matter what so I can't complain.