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What next?

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Sundara, Jan 27, 2018.

  1. Sundara

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    I parted with my wife for 2.5 years because of the study assignment in USA. During my study I did not go home because there was no money to go home, except back home to my country permanently after finish my study. Now, I have finished my study and back in my home country.

    During the marriage, 8 years my wife's attitude was temperament, egoist and me too. Sometimes we fight because of minor things. My life was flat even though sometimes she showed that she loves me. She wants me to be romantic and demanding everything because she comes from a pretty rich family, for example she wanted a car, a house etc, but I couldnt do it instantly. While she was not being romantic towards me. I could not be romantic guy too because I am not a romantic person type. She could get angry with me and one day she brooks my laptop screen. I do not want to hurt her because I cannot hurt the feelings of others, of course, she is my wife. I can only be silent and keep all the sadness in the bottom of my heart.

    Before I went to US, I taught her how to simply life and always accept the reality, what it was compared to the way she used to live when his father still alive, with all her requests to be obeyed instantly. I confront her with patience and not with intimidation, and I showed her by example directly. I taught her not by theory and just ruled. I taught her by practicing that this is the way I live life, simple and struggling. All desires must be planned and championed to succeed.

    She feels that I have done much for her. Changing her personality from someone who depends on people to an independent woman. She also apologized to me for wasting my salary during our marriage. Almost 8 years my marriage I am sure I was not enjoy to be a husband.

    There are many things that make me feel that my love for her is limited to being with me and I dont have dream to spending my old age with her.

    But after 2.5 years of separation, my wife awaits me, she loves me more and she is always romantic. She let me and gave me everything I needed. In fact, she is now afraid if I am angry with her. She was also afraid of losing me and leaving her.

    When I return to my country, I try to be honest to her that I have a tendency to be attracted to men. Oddly she accepted my honesty and she said she would help me because she thought I had helped her to find a way how to face life with my patience. She cried and beg me to stay and she thinks that gay is a human shortage that can be cured.

    She would be mad if I have affairs with women especially with high school ex-girlfriend. Though I have changed my status with my ex-girlfriend to be a regular friend who can support each other. But she cannot accept that I have over with my ex-girlfriend.

    I have found a man I love and my day now is so empty without him.

    I want to divorce with my wife, how can I? give me suggestion.
     
    #1 Sundara, Jan 27, 2018
    Last edited: Jan 27, 2018
  2. Glitters

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    Be honest with her, first and foremost. Tell her everything you're feeling, even if she doesn't want to hear it right now, she needs to know. Tell her you're not angry and that the time you've spent together was meaningful, but you both need to move on.
     
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  3. smee

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    I dated women until I was over fifty years old. I was certain that I was straight until one girlfriend called me on it and I realized that I was even hiding the truth from myself and I was making all sorts of rationalizations to explain why things never worked out right.
    Today, I'm waiting to say that I'm gay until I start dating or make more friends, but one of the reasons that I now accept that I'm not straight is that I don't want to hurt anyone that I promised to love.
     
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  4. Sundara

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    Thank you. I am really honest to her that I am attracted to men. She knows I am not angry to her. We have two daughters, I am thinking about them.
    This is very difficult. We are living in Islamic country too.
     
  5. Sundara

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    I am honest to her, really. She begs me not to leave her. I am 40's now and I am prepared myself to be a gay because I am more attracted to men than woman. I am too kind for her so she accepted me even I am a gay.
     
  6. bearheart

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    Silas,
    One word: Wow. Knowing that you had the courage to open up to your wife is a huge step. The fact that she oddly accepted the situation is another surprise to me, but a point on your side too. Congratulations on those achievements.

    I believe that your transition has to take its time, take it slowly and try not to push things quicker than they should be.

    Now, at one point in your life you decided to build this family, for whatever reason; social, family, religious, or cultural pressures. But now it is a fact. I think that the point of discussions with your wife shouldn't be geared towards "curing" you from your homosexuality, but to accept you as a gay man. It'll take a lot of effort to do so, but it is worth it. Once she accepts that fact you can work on the second stage.

    At a second stage, I think that you should start preparing your wife that you are not going to be able to continue with her in the future, but you know it well that, Islamically speaking, you have a financial obligation towards her and towards your daughters too. They are all your responsibility after divorce, or until she can find another husband to sustain her, but even with that, you have moral as well as financial responsibilities towards your daughters still, you are their father and you won't be able to divorce that!

    First and foremost you have to take care of yourself too, don't attempt to open up too much in a way that would affect your safety, either with family, friends, or the surrounding society. You were lucky with your wife, make sure that she will not out you to anyone, and be friends with her. Many married women will fight to keep their husbands; those fights can get dirty, and might harm you. So be careful.

    Love your daughters, be close to them during and after this is over, don't miss any time that you can spend with them. Build a strong relationship with them and, when they grow up, they'll appreciate their dad and will support you in your journey.

    I wish you all the best.
     
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  7. SevnButton

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    Bear heart write's with a lot of wisdom and cultural knowledge. Best wishes and good luck to you Silas. Be careful.
     
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  8. Sundara

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    Bear,
    That is the best explanation in the Islamic perspective. I was thinking like what you think. Thank you very much.
    But my wife said that only die between us which will separate us forever becĂ use for her I am her true love now. Before she wasn't like this, she was temperament, egoist and never really care to me. She found that I really mean to her after I left her for study. It was surprised that she changed her attitude.
    I am thinking her and my daughters futures.
    Guide me Bear! I will chosoe my gay and I wanna life with a guy who I love.
    Thank you Sevnbutton.
    Silas
     
  9. bearheart

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    Silas,
    I understand the urge of taking quick steps to solve your issues. But what was built in years won't just fade away in a few days, weeks or even months without tremendous consequences. The key to your situation is patience and think with your mind not your heart.

    I kind of feel that the change in your wife's attitude is due to your prolonged absence and, as you mentioned earlier, that her dad is not around any more, so probably you are the only close man-figure in her life. In my experience, people's personalities don't dramatically change overnight, and I can say that with time, once you settle for several months, many of her characters would re-emerge again, not as severe as before though, because she now realizes that she might lose you at any point. Give her some time, don't push her to react badly, and see how she'll be doing. In either case, you'll have the time to sort things out with her with regards to your homosexuality first then you leaving her second. I was told, in my situation, to make baby steps, and so far it is working properly, although I feel impatient at times, but I always remind myself, and you: baby steps.

    When she says that would die if you leave her, she is speaking out of her emotions nothing more nothing less .. the fact is nobody dies from separation or divorce. You can still love her but not in a sexual/physical manner, you can be respectful to her, and her to you, but not being married. You can both cherish the time that you spent together but not live with each other. It would need a lot of effort from you primarily, and from her when she realizes that you cannot continue with her. It will take time too, so give it as much time as it takes so that you can separate in an amicable way for the sake of both of your sanity as well as your daughters.

    You're still young, and if the man that you love loves you back he'll wait for you, just be honest with him. You need time my friend, you need time.
    Be patient.

    Bearheart