Everyone’s okay with it but me?

Okay, not everyone. But.
All through grade school I was with my mother, who is is pretty religious. My parents got divorced a couple of years ago and my mom became even more of a super-devoted Christian. She’s always been homophobic, in subtle but clear ways, like getting upset when my brother and I were watching a movie with two men getting married, and just avoiding the subject. As a kid I was very afraid of gay people, actually. It was super irrational and wrong, but they were this scary group of people that we didn’t talk about. For most of this time I don’t think I even totally understood what being gay was. I was always so afraid that I would be gay, and someone would find out. There was some clothing ad with girls on the beach I saw on our computer and I think I felt something and as soon as I noticed I closed it and did that thing where you just adjust your memory to skip over a certain part that you shove away.
Anyway, I got older, and through exposure to other stuff, I realized that maybe being gay was not an unspeakable thing. Honestly, Harry Potter fanfiction and Blue is the Warmest color helped me more than anything. I’d just never seen gay people being - people. By mid high school, I was watching any new movie in the LGBT section on netflix. I sort of knew I was attracted to girls st this point... it wasn’t a huge realization. I think I always knew and then slowly it just sort of poked into my conscious from my subconscious. My dad noticed once, and he asked if I was watching movies about gay people because I was gay. I said no, of course.
I should mention I was also attracted to boys, and had tons of crushes on them. I think part of it was that I was always so into the idea of romance and dating etc., but I still find guys attractive now. I guess I’m a bisexual? I know it’s dumb, but I don’t want to be called a bisexual. I picture someone making out with everyone and kissing the same sex for attention. I KNOW THIS IS TOTALLY WRONG and I’m trying to change how I think. I’d rather be called bisexual than queer, anyway. I think having an umbrella, nebulous term like queer is totally necessary, but to me it still feels like a slur. People used to say it quietly to explain acquaintances who go home with their ‘partner’ which I remember asking about. Why would someone live with their business partner? That seemed a bit much. “Queer” in a resigned voice. I don’t want that. I don’t want my mother to talk about me with that word in that tone.
Sorry, that was a long tangent.
Once over lunch I mentioned something involving gay people and my mom told me the whole story of Sodom and Gomorrah, with the salt and everything. In a Panera. It was not great.
Fast forward. I’m in college now. and being gay is like. Not a big deal. At all. Everyone is totally fine, and good, and chill, etc. But... it is to me? It ‘s like really big? I had hell dreams as a kid, I can’t just say that I like girls like it’s nithubg. I’ve told a couple of people, casually, when ur cane up in conversation, and I felt weird after. No one ever reacts when I tell them. I don’t get that. I looked on facebook and saw that two girls in the grade above me had gotten together. They were popular, pretty, one is actually a model. It startled me like crazy. some of the pictures of them together were from high school. I was blown away. was it okay to be gay that whole time?
I went through high school thinking my sexuality was just somethig I would have to deal with later. Seeing that they weed together. wow. And I sort of realized, I project a certain amount of homophobia onto the people surrounding. And the problem in high school probably wasn’t the other people as much as it was my own thoughts. I don’t know if I can describe it properly, but seeing these girls together made me feel so... lost? blindsighted, really. Why did no one tell me it was okay to like girls too?
So, back to now. I’m at college, and I don’t know if I could ever tell my mother. My brother always said if one of us turned out gay, she would change her tune within a week. She is so loving and sweet that I almost believe that. but she had this poster board on the mantel where she wrote the things most important to her. God is in top, then her family, and the dog.
Based on the chart, I’m really not confident she would come around anytime soon.
And I’m bisexual. It’s a little ridiculous that I’m making such a big deal out of this, considering it’s probably much easier for me that someone who’s totally gay. I’ve just been thinking about it I think because I had this huge (as in spanning many months and I cried a lot) almost-relationship with a girl in high school, and we’ve been talking lately and we’re planning on going on a road trip this summer together with a couple other friends. Also, some of my friends at home who are also gay-ish (ha) want to go to a gay bar over spring break. And there’s this thing at school called “Queer Beers” , but with any of these things, I sometimes feel like a fraud. And I still have that back if the mind
“what if this is wrong?”

I know this is super long and doesn’t really have a pint? but advise about coming out or how to adjust I guess. To an environment where everything is okay? nothing to a big drak

 

I couldn’t finish because I accidentally submitted the post before I was done (whoops), and I can’t edit bc the system thinks it’s spam? anyway, the point is...
Any advise or thoughts would be really appreciated.