As a late in lifer, there are things that I never realized would be issues in my "new life" as a lesbian. One of those things is what consequences may come from having stronger emotions & feelings for the person you date. I dated men my whole life but never really felt strong emotional intimacy with them. The first time I've felt this was in my first lesbian relationship. This sounds like a good thing, and it is, but I didn't realize potential negative effects for me until it was too late. My relationship with my ex was volatile and unstable from the beginning. It has left me very hurt and with serious self-esteem issues that I'm still trying to heal from (I get better, then I relapse and feel hurt all over again like hitting bumps on a long road). There were so many red flags that I ignored from the start even though I realized they were there. Little white lies and half truths, occasional verbal jabs, hot & cold behavior, etc. None of these things are small or insignificant. Why did I try so hard to negate these red flags when I've never been one to ignore such things? I believe the strong, amazing pull of being so attracted and emotionally connected to a woman (which I never had with men) made me so happy and excited that I acted against my better judgement when it came to deciding whether this person was right for me (which she wasn't). Boy, am I paying for such mistakes! I guess it was unrealistic to expect that such a life altering thing of realizing one's sexual orientation late in life would not be mixed with learning curves and new growing pains. In many ways it feels like dating for the first time, as if I know nothing of relationship experience after dating the last 20 years of my life. The reality is that I didn't know myself as well as I thought I did. The person I knew was an empty shell, going through the motions of life, wondering why she was so broken that she couldn't feel. Now, I feel. And that carries with it all kinds of vulnerabilities and requires renewed strength to make sure wisdom is not ignored in lieu of emotion. It's a chasm I haven't needed to straddle yet. So while I'm grateful for no longer being an empty shell, now I have to get used to this real life where my soft underbelly is exposed. And all the bumps on the road really do hurt, as I'm experiencing right now.
You did two things exactly right: first, and foremost, you let yourself be vulnerable...to love someone requires vulnerability. Unfortunately, there are risks with being vulnerable, but it is absolutely essential. The second thing you did right is that you learned. Remember this: the fool who persists in her folly becomes wise...indeed, in matters of the heart, there seems to be no other way than opening one's heart precisely when it isn't easy or absolutely safe to do so... Remember this also: you cannot possess anyone, if they came into your life, be grateful, if they no longer want to be with you, be grateful for what you had, and appreciate the beauty of what once was. Do we mourn after the sun sets when just before the sky gave us a tremendous light-show? No, we are grateful for having experienced it. So mourn yes, you may even confess to "nights of apprehension and hot weeping" as in the following poem by Edna Si-Vincent Millay: Well, I have lost you; and I lost you fairly; In my own way, and with my full consent. Say what you will, kings in a tumbrel rarely Went to their deaths more proud than this one went. Some nights of apprehension and hot weeping I will confess; but that's permitted me; Day dried my eyes; I was not one for keeping Rubbed in a cage a wing that would be free. If I had loved you less or played you slyly I might have held you for a summer more, But at the cost of words I value highly, And no such summer as the one before. Should I outlive this anguish, and men do, I shall have only good to say of you.” ― Edna St. Vincent Millay But most of all, pick yourself up, and try again, despite the wounds, or better, because of the wounds; because the most essential lessons you need to draw from this experience are that You. Can. Feel! You. Can. Love!
greatwhale when ever I am hurting deep, deep inside and I have lost my way in a fog, I find one of your posts and find new strength to press on. Thank you.
Rana, your story is profound, thank you for sharing it. As for overlooking the red flags, some of that is normal even in a healthy relationship, since we all have our faults. I'm sorry you're hurting now. Just know you won't always feel this way.
Hey, relationship baggage is real, and first love "I use this a little loosely" is the worse. I feel for you it's easy to forget how that first love can be. It can really get under your skin. You have to let those those walls down and then when they leave it can be so hard to let them go. If you can do what great said and try to just be happy for what you experienced and let go of what was negative is the best way to handle it or at least it's a great target to reach. For me, I'm just not in control of my emotions for that. I would like to be, but honestly I don't know how. For me, I work for acceptance. Good happened, bad happened, I just try to accept that I was hurt, the blame is my own and others. I try to acknowledge the parts that were my fault and understand the parts that were not. I know it's a bit of a the cliche, but bad things happen to good people. It's not your fault. I saw in another post you mentioned closure. That's what closure means for me. The acceptance of my faults that contributed to it not working, the acceptance that it's over and it SHOULD BE over, and finally the acceptance that's it's ok for me to move. I have no idea if anything I said helped you, but thank you for posting. It's good to remind other people out there about the pitfalls of "first love" later in life. I can definitely see how easy it would be to jump in head first and just get swallowed up in your first same sexual orientation relationship.
Rana- thank you for sharing. Since coming out to my self there has been all kinds of emotions I have felt. (I know it isn't like what happens in a relationship.) I am trying to grasp what the feelings are and put them in perspective. After a life time of hiding and wall building and shutting out my true self, what is happening now is new to me. Each person has feelings. It is how we are put together. It is okay for a person to feel what they feel. What matters is how one deals with those feelings at that time. Rana, let those feelings come to the surface. Embrace them (even though it might be hard to do so). Learning about one's self is what is important. Again, thank you for sharing.
Rana i can understand why you ignored those red flags. The intensity of a first lesbian relationship after a life of heterosexual relationships is completely unexpected. You feel everything so strongly, it is completely new. I think many of us could relate to this. It will take you time to work through it but you will. Try and keep a balanced view, yes there may have been some mistakes in judgement but there was also you, taking a chance, open mind, open heart, having the courage to be honest with yourself. That is no small thing.
Rana. Yes so very painful to make yourself vulnerable to these very strong emotions - then for it to come to an end. Thank you for sharing your own experience with us.
Hi @greatwhale , Thank you for your lovely and eloquent words. They help me quite a lot. I especially loved the above verse of the poem. I think it reiterates what you wrote about not being sorry, but grateful for the experience. ❤️
Hi @HelpLOL , I love what you wrote about acceptance. I think that's the Zen Buddhist view of happiness and inner peace...to accept the good and bad all as part of the journey. I'm definitely trying to instill this philosophy in myself. This acceptance does indeed give one closure when needed. For what it's worth, yes, your words do help me. Thank you. I hope you are healing as well. I know it's hard.
Thank you guys for your beautiful words. They really do help a lot and I'm grateful for each of you.❤️ As for me, I think that reading your words helped calm me and I'm in a better place emotionally. I know there will be bumps on the road, and I may have bad days every now and then when I remember some negative aspect of my past relationship and feel hurt again. But I think this will lessen with time. I must have more patience with the healing process. I broke up about 4.5 months ago. I expected to be fully recovered by now but I was naïve, not realizing that this being my first lesbian relationship, I needed more time. It's getting better though, thanks to all of you.
I feel sorry for all the emotional stress you're into. Just believe that things will get better...in His time.
