I think we all go through this stage? There are three times in my life that stick out to me that filled me with deep anxiety at the thought of even going through with the plans I had. I almost had panic attacks and mentally I felt like there was a war going on in my head. 1) Going to a church dance as a teenager 2) Going to the Paladium in San Francisco with some friends to try and pick up some girls 3) Asking a girl for her phone number (I married her 3 years later) Trying to get close to a woman always filled me with anxiety, like something inside was fighting my conscious mind. The church dance I immediately walked in and felt out of place, I didn’t belong there. I attended church with these same people every Sunday, yet I still didn’t belong. The Paladium, I was just so anxious I sat in a chair and didn’t move, I was petrified with a sense of not belonging and fear. It seemed so unnatural to me. (Isn’t dating supposed to be fun?). When I got my future wife’s phone number, it was like a three hour process involving lots of alcohol. I made the decision to try and ask a girl for her number soon. Again lots of anxiety and I almost didn’t go through with it. I was actually relieved she wasn’t looking for a one night stand, even though it was what I thought I wanted. The stage I am referring to is where these peculiar things are figured out and you finally make “sense” to yourself. Has anyone else had this experience? I cried happy tears on my way to work this morning, because I felt like these awkward pieces in my “puzzle” finally fit. I make sense to myself, and it fills my heart with joy and happiness. I am at peace with myself and that no one can take away from me. I feel like I finally KNOW me. Sorry for rambling, I needed to talk.
Being at peace with yourself is priceless. That's great to hear, thanks for posting, SelfT. I think those feelings of anxiety you describe (at the dance, asking for a phone number ...) are totally normal and common. Fear of rejection is something that goes right to my core, and it feels like a matter of life and death. Some people may make dating look like fun, but that sure wasn't me! But what really matters is the clarity you found today. That's cool!
@SelfT Congratulations on your progress. I'm happy for you. I think I can relate to what you're describing. For me, I think of at as my pre-questioning understanding, where I interpreted these moments within the context of being straight, but not really understanding why I felt a certain way. Then during questioning everything felt disjointed, like my life wasn't linear narrative that made any sense. Following this, the point where it all falls in to place and I understood those moments in the context of having been unaware of my sexuality at the time.
