Coming out.. Nothing can change our Manly and Feminine behavior

Coming out.. It can be weird for all of us.. But I can never think it's a choice(except who do choose). I've tried to understand the reasons what caused this but failed, since science haven't found any proofs. Well, some people will leave their husband/wife after getting marriage and having kids. I think it's unfair that you would leave your house, kids and partner after what you've built. You can still be who you are without destroying what you've built. Or just, don't go through this from the first. The wife will be left alone, taking care of your kids.. and might not love anyone else for the rest of her life and will be just raising your kids.. Being a gay doesn't mean you should dress, act and talk like a women.. you're a man, you must act like any man and be strong and act manly(who call themselves straights shouldn't be the one who are seen as strong). A man is a beautiful creation and shouldn't be copying females. The same thing to women are a wonderful creations too and should be themselves. Be strong similar to the people around you. It's sad to see some males and females get hurt because of their attraction(feelings) which isn't their own choice(I'm talking about whom are like this without their decision). It's the soul feelings. I understand and can feel the same feelings. (We can live with our wives and husbands normally to whom we are married to).

Don't let an attraction change your male/female behavior.. life.. and the families, if they won't accept you and is dangerous to tell them or they are ignorants then don't get your life in danger. coming out should be knowing yourself and being smart and not risking yourself. Even if you've lived all the life and keeping it a secret just to be safe and live normally. Don't tell anyone that can possibly harm you or make fun of you.. don't let anyone use you.. you're smart.

I've always seen the happiness in you people and are very kind. I get hurt every time I see such beautiful souls get hurt and made fun of by sick people. You should be strong. We don't need categories such as gay or lesbian because of an attraction. We're normal men and women. We don't even need a flag. Don't let anyone categorise you or choose a flag for you.

We understand, help and teach each other. I'm a happy man because I've found men and women who would understand. I'll help anyone who is in need and will be ready to sacrifice my life for you. It's just a feeling, nothing to hate for. But please, strengthen yourselves and build your personality as soon as possible.

 

Mysteryman,

I think your advice here is just dreadful. I know you mean well, but I really hope people don't follow your advice.

This is a personal choice. Sometimes the gay spouse doesn't have a choice but to leave the marriage if the straight spouse no longer wants to be married after the gay spouse comes out. It's also unfair to imply that I've destroyed anything. I get along with my ex wonderfully, and my kids are doing great. No one was destroyed. You shouldn't assume that all situations are the same.

This is even worse advice. Telling a guy that he must act like a man, be strong and act manly is exactly the sort of advice that puts young guys into the closet in the first place. You're making the assumption that all men must act in a masculine manner, and your statements on proper gender roles for both men and women are the same messaging that have bombarded the LGBT community for decades. It's far past time to dump this heteronormative and gendernormative garbage it has always been. Both men and women should be who they are, not who you think they should be.

The reason many of us want the categories (or labels) is because it gives us a place to belong, and a people to belong to. Many LGBT people have been rejected from their families, and having this identity and community is important. I know you mean well, and your post is obviously an attempt to help others, but I think you need to realize that not everyone shares your views on masculinity/femininity and proper gender roles. Perhaps you could re-think the validity of your own viewpoints and how society has normalized this thinking in you.

I am gay. I'm mostly masculine, but there are times my sassy feminine side comes out. I embrace them both.

 

I don't think there's much I could add that hasn't already been said.

I just want to say three things:

1) Being gay is not a choice. It isn't, really. I still wish it was
You simply can't change your sexual orientation, and it doesn't change in time either.
There are some controversial psychological practices that associate "gay feelings" with guilt, but that's just repression.

2) Femine/manly behaviours and sexual orientation are not connected.
I am gay, still in the closet, and one of my fears is that people would question my virility if they knew about my sexual orientation. Noone has ever questioned my manliness so far because noone knows I am attracted to men, but sadly coming out makes people watch out for "gay hints" in your behaviour... and that can be annoying.

We should all try to avoid considering sexual orientation and behaviour connected, it's a trick we must not fall for.
A gay man is a man who is attracted to other men, and this is the only difference between "straight" and "gay". Everything else is stereotype.
(Same for gay women).

There are transgenders, who are people who feel their biological sex does not match their gender identity. That is another thing entirely, and it's not related to sexual orientation (There are gay transgenders, straight transgenders, bi transgenders...).

People have their own personalities, which can show some characteristics considered "manly" or "femine" by society.
There are "masculine" gay men and "femine" straight men.
"Manly" and "femine" are social constructs, which means that you learn what society considers manly and what it considers femine.
Usually boys are taught to behave in a manly way, and girls in a femine way.
Sex roles differ from one society to another, and changed greatly throughout history. That is, an absolute definition of "manly" and "femine" cannot exist.

One should not try to act in a manlier way or in a more femine way, but just be himself/herself.
"Femine" and "manly" are made up. You are not. Be who you are.

3) It's about marriage. I believe that any decision is good, as long as it's taken together.
I was in a relation with a girl, and it didn't work because I could not give her what she needed. I loved her, a lot, but I was not physically attracted to her even if I wished I was. Eventually we broke up.
That made me realize an important thing: a woman deserves a sexually satisfying relationship, and she has the right to divorce a gay man if she wants to (same for straight man/gay woman).
We're used to the "husband comes out and decides to leave wife and children" stereotype, but the wife might want to get divorced as well.

Sex is not everything however, and if both parts decide they want to stay together, they can do that. They can do it for the children, or because their love is platonic, or for whatever reason. Coming out does not have to lead to getting divorced.

When I broke up from my girlfriend it hurt like hell and sometimes I still miss her, but we simply couldn't make each other happy. When we were together I couldn't help but feel "guilty", "flawed". I kept feeling I could not give her what she rightfully wanted. It took me a while to get over it.
Neither of us was flawed, we simply weren't compatible. Breaking up was the best thing.



Thank you for reading my long post. Please note that I am not trying to lecture anybody, really. I'm just trying to comunicate what it's like to be gay. I'm always glad when someone who is straight is interested in LGBT, and I want to help them understand what it's like. There are many stereotypes and common beliefs, and I guess straight people have no means to tell the truth from disinformation.

 

This! It's so great to just be yourself!!! It's so freeing to just be yourself!

 

This is extremely ill worded for what is a simple message of "don't label yourself"

 

My post isn't forcing anyone. It doesn't even hurt anyone. You'e free to say anything. Thanks

 

You'e not got the idea of what was written. Anyway thanks

 

Telling a guy to be strong, man and be manly is a posiive message. A guy must be strong, and embrace that he's a man and be manly since he's a man. Nothing hurts anyone. It' gonna help in the future. Thanks

 

Yes. Don't let anyone label you.

 

As someone who is chomping at the bit to come out of hiding to his wife, Mysteryman, I can tell you it is not something I would wish on anyone. My wife has said she would leave me if I cheated on her. There is no give or take, there is in my case no experimenting. For 43 years I have had attractions for guys I dismissed them for anything other than what they were/are. I didn’t choose this, it isn’t fair, what did I do to deserve this, why does this seem to penetrate my very soul? Yes I know my wife will be hurt, and I won’t get to see my son’s face everyday. I also won’t have the person to go home to, that I have confided for 18 years. I pray that our friendship is enough to get us through to the next chapter and we will be all good. For her, she is not willing to have a gay husband. Psychologically I can’t keep this to myself much longer, I am already having anxiety attacks, and being extremely overwhelmed emotionally and lashing out verbally at my son. I don’t mean to be attacking, I just wanted to provide a real life scenario. Mysteryman, I ask you would you think I should stay in my relationship where I now know I am not attracted to women and is that fair to my wife? I think staying is cheating us both out of a relationship we both deserve. My son doesn’t deserve to have his daddy jump all over him because his daddy can’t figure how to manage his feelings either. I started my treck into myself with a therapist so I wouldn’t be that way with my son, low and behold guess what I discovered!

 

Thank you David, Yes I am at the stage of having to make a change. I am truly humbled by myself; the courage to seek my truth, and confront my thoughts and feelings has been no easy task. Feelings weren’t validated by my parents at all growing up so I have been living like a pressure cooker, and it all finally came out. I didn’t expect to be gay, didn’t want to be gay, but I AM and I am learning to accept me liking men and to love myself for it. For me, the more I search for things to validate why I wouldn’t be gay in my past, the more being gay is completely obvious to me. That of itself makes me feel stupid that I didn’t see myself until now. Water under the bridge though, so I AM GAY, and I love me. Looking forward to going to PRIDE this year ️‍️‍️‍

 

This post was... very off-putting.

I am always trying to understand others better, to become more open-minded and accepting. You don't have to be religious to understand religion. You don't have to be gay to understand homosexuality. You don't have to be republican to understand republicans, or democratic to understand democrats.

With this being said...
It would be wise for you to try to understand sexuality and gender better. What you have said is very hurtful. If you are not in the place where you can accept others who are different from you, please do not say things like this. You might not be a feminine man, but that does not mean being a feminine man is wrong. You might not be a masculine woman, but that does not mean being a masculine woman is wrong. People are different and we all have our own balance of masculinity and femininity. Please try to understand these people, who have difference experiences than you, before you say that they shouldn't be who they are.

 

I am hoping I wasn’t offensive? I don’t want or mean to be. I have found it very helpful in my journey towards accepting my homosexuality to be able to post and interact with others on this site. Perhaps I wasn’t the target of your comments Glitter?
I have always worked to be an accepting person believing that people ARE different and you can accept and treat them with respect. It doesn’t matter where you come from, you don’t have to even like them. Treat everyone with respect because you never know what they have been through in their life. Who knows, I might not even be able to deal with what that other person has dealt with!

 

I think if being gay was an actual choice, many of us would have chosen to be heterosexual, just to avoid the stigma and hardships associated with coming out or being discovered. A gay or trans person has no more choice in deciding their sexuality than a heterosexual person. We simply are who we are.

I've always believed that we are all on a sexual continuum and that we can shift on it over time, not because we choose to, but because our attractions can change or we stop suppressing our true feelings. No one needs to be blamed for that.

Sexual orientation is not a choice, but accepting it and ending a marriage brings into play things that really are choices. The first choice is to put the children front and centre. For the sake of the children, parents can choose to end the marriage amicably, and commit to raising the children in such a way that both parents continue to be a positive presence in their lives. They can choose how to talk to their children about sexuality so that they understand that a parent can have needs that aren't being met in the family home, but that the parent doesn't love them any less. Choices can be made to provide adequate child support and custody in an arrangement that is fair to both parents and takes into consideration the needs and wishes of the children.

Every child should be raised in a home filled with love. Every parent deserves the opportunity to pursue happiness and stop living a lie by denying their own sexuality. There is nothing selfish about that. When the needs of the parents change because of their sexuality, they are better off to face the reality, rather than raise children in a home based on a false marriage. Staying together for 'the sake of the children' is the most harmful choice for both the parents and children.

 

Star runner I couldn’t have said it better myself !

 

My comment was in response to the original post made by MysteryMan.

 

Ok, thanks for responding makes me feel better