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How to be brave?

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by Spot, Jan 21, 2018.

  1. Spot

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    Honestly, I'm utterly miserable with myself. I hate how I look and I can't even look in the mirror anymore. I desperately want to change. And all I want in some proper men's clothes, a haircut and men's deodorant instead of women's. I have my own money and can afford all of it, I could even drive myself to the mall but the problem is that I have to ask permission first.

    I have men's clothes but they're all either too small, have too many holes and are faded or too big and hand-me-downs. I often have to mix-and-match them with my old women's clothes too. I had an awful time acquiring my men's clothes, it took a lot of pleading with my mom before she gave in and I feel like she was so disappointed in me. That was three years ago. I never officially came out to her but I feel like she knows that something is up. I mean I only wanted to wear men's clothes, I begged her for short hair and she gave in after years and I told her when I was eleven that I wanted to "cut my boobs off." And it's like she's using everything in her power to guilt trip me into not transitioning. She always says that she doesn't want me to "become a boy," that she doesn't want to look like a man or to cut my hair and why can't I just wear girls' clothes? She doesn't want me to "kill her daughter."

    My dad seems equally disgusted by he doesn't comment on it that much.

    Here's the thing, I'm eighteen this year and I just want to live my life. I just want to be happy. All I'm asking for right now is shorter hair, new clothes and new deodorant. I have short hair but I look like Justin Bieber from like 2010, it's something I'd consider more of a tween haircut tbh. And a girl's haircut too. I want like a crew cut but there are like no girls who have one so I don't know how the heck I expect my mom to allow it. The only reason I have this haircut is because she didn't want it "too short." I want to buy maybe four button-up shirts and a hoodie. I'd like a pair of men's jeans too but I feel like that may be pushing it. And gee, I don't even need new deodorant, I could my brother's (it's a spray, not roll-on XD) if that's what she wanted.

    Like I said, I have money and I could buy this stuff on my own. I'd prefer it that way because I don't want my parents wasting money on clothes but I need to ask first. I can't just leave the house unexplained and they'll find out what I've bought eventually anyway. But okay, I'm actually really scared. I don't want another fight or any more questions that are hard to answer. Every time I try and open my mouth to ask if I can go shopping, it's like I just lose my voice or the words get stuck in my throat. I actually feel like I'm going to vomit most of the time.

    How do you find the courage to ask these sorts of things? I'm stressing so much over this already and it's 12:50am, I don't even have to ask yet :/

    ((And I'm definitely not ready to come out yet, I probably won't do that until I move out))
     
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  2. Sota

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    I know exacly how you feel. Every time we'd go shopping my mother would show me dresses and pink T-Shirts and i was like "That looks nice" but i was constantly looking into boy's section and wanting all that boy stuff on me. And when my mom would say If you like this dress we could buy it and i would just reply yes it's nice but i have plenty of them home we'll buy it next time. Sometimes i use my brother's deo because it smells fkn awesome. I don't buy clothes for myself, i mostly wear unisex at home and at school or in public i wear girl clothes but only clothes that are covering my whole body bcs i feel uncomfortable with my boobs and my figure. Maybe try with unisex clothes and then buy some man clothes and combine it. Tell your parents you like to wear black or similar. Then slowly start changing into boy clothes but maybe it won't be too weird for them if they see you like that every day. For haircut there are plenty of pixie-cuts there. Just google and find one that looks interesting for you. I hope i helped a lil.
     
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  3. Spot

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    Thanks for the reply. I don't know any stores here that sell unisex clothes but usually I wear men's shirts and women's pants (that look unisex enough). I've done that for two, almost three years. The issue is, I'm actually trying to make the jump to wearing exclusively men's clothes, now that I'm older. I suppose I do have a pixie cut too. I don't know what you'd call it. It's short but normally guys have shorter hair than what I already have. I'm starting to think that maybe, I should ask if I can shave it off because we have foundations here for cancer and alopecia and you can shave your head for fundraising (I think it's year-round). I've thought about doing it but I have no idea how the fundraising would actually work. I didn't want my hair that short but at least it'd take ages to grow back to the length it's at now XD I feel like it'd be easier to ask for than just a random haircut but I still think she wouldn't want me to do it. She gets annoyed when we're out in public because people always call me her son so I don't know if she'd let me do that.
     
    #3 Spot, Jan 21, 2018
    Last edited: Jan 21, 2018
  4. Sota

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    You can mention it to your mom and see what she thinks about donating hair. If she is ok with that maybe you could tell her that u want to donate too.
     
  5. denouement

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    Your parents sound a bit similar to mine. You just have to push through the fear. What's the worst that could happen? I started buying my own stuff around your age; since I had a busy schedule and some of my own money, it was easier for my parents to let me run such errands myself. So even if you aren't comfortable asking to go shopping for men's things, this is a good time to start being more independent and buying your own items anyway.

    For deodorant, you can say you need to go to the store for more toothpaste, acne/skincare stuff (if you use it), shampoo, or whatever else you're running low on-- get that, and pick up whatever deodorant you like while you're there. If your parents have you buy groceries sometimes, you could pick some up then (the grocery stores in my area have a section with deodorant and such). I suggest this since I found it easier to get what I wanted first, and when my parents finally noticed, shrug and go "Yeah, so? I've been using this for months...". If I had asked my mom to buy whatever deodorant, she would have refused, but if I bought it myself there wasn't much they could do.

    As far as clothes, again, you can say you've outgrown your jeans or need new underwear or whatever reason you have for needing clothes, then head to the store and get whatever you like. My mom was more accepting of my clothing choices when I pointed out the practical reasons I wanted the clothes. For example, men's hoodies are often thicker material than women's, which is just plain practical to stay warm. I also started to be very blunt about whether or not I liked certain clothing, and what I wanted to wear. When I went shopping with my mom, she always said she'd rather spend money on clothes I would wear every day than something I would never touch. So I started to be very honest with her if I knew I wouldn't wear something. YMMV since my mom isn't your mom, but that's what worked for me.

    As far as hair, even if your mom doesn't approve, you can tell the stylist to do a shorter cut. If your mom tags along, you might ask for an undercut with a fade and tell the stylist to leave the top pretty short. Although it's not the same as a crew cut, undercuts are a popular (unisex) cut these days. Depending how short the top is it should end up kind of similar, or at least more hip than the Beiber cut. If she'd agree to let you shave your head for charity, that's also a good idea-- you can try getting it shaped into more of a crew cut as it grows out.
     
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  6. Spot

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    Thank you for the reply. I guess the only thing I'm really afraid of is the conflict. I'm afraid of her asking me if I'm trans again because honestly, I don't even know what I'd tell her. I mean, I probably am but I feel like I can't know for sure yet. And if I tell her I don't know, I know she's going to try and "talk me out of it." She's asked me before but I've always just lied and said no. I feel like I don't want to lie anymore but I don't know if it's worth the trouble. I just don't want to rock the boat but it's going to mean sacrificing my happiness.

    Just to clarify, I can go shopping by myself but I have to borrow my mom's car so she'd want to know where I'm going or what I'm doing. I'm not allowed my own car yet. My parents want me to wait until I make enough money that I can afford a car that's "not too old" (>2010), can afford my own car insurance, gas, etc. I mean, it's fair enough but it's slightly inconvenient. That's the only reason why I needed permission. I don't even know if that was important but I just realized that I didn't mention it in my original post...

    I guess I could always just say that I liked the colors of the men's button-up shirts better. I don't even know any places that sell women's button-up shirts. My jeans are getting too small for me, even to fit into and they're faded from black to like a weird dark blue-gray color. I'd like men's jeans so that they don't show my curves as much but I do kind of need a new pair anyway. Maybe I'll just have to come up with a bunch of excuses...
     
  7. Spot

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    Okay, so I'm rethinking the shaving thing, only because I was reading up on it online and a lot of cancer patients said that they didn't like other people shaving their heads for charity. Partly because they saw losing their hair as a traumatic experience, didn't have a choice in shaving their heads so they saw it as insulting that people would just do it for fun. And some also said that they prefer people raised money other ways because they loved their hair and they don't want others to lose theirs too, also that other people shaving their heads reminded them they were sick.

    I can get how it'd be seen as disrespectful by some but I didn't really think about that until I read it. I feel bad now because it seems like the majority didn't like it.

    I'm going to look online and see if I can find some shorter women's haircuts that my mom may deem acceptable.