The title's rhetorical, I guess. But if you did have the answer, that'd be cool too. Originally, I actually wrote a massive paragraph containing a lot of background info about why I was questioning my gender again and where I thought I went wrong…but I realized it was stupid and that I was rambling so I deleted it and I'm starting over. Anyway, it's me again. Hello. I haven't made a thread in this subforum for so long. In a small way, it feels good because it feels like I'm being true to myself and acknowledging my feelings but in a bigger way, it just sucks. I think I've come to realize that I don't really know what I want in life. And I hate that feeling. There are certain points of time in my life where I just don't question my gender at all. I bet you didn't know that there was a point in time where I was actually excited to get my period or to wear bras. I don't mean my first period either, just a random period. I didn't even mind my breasts or visible bra straps sometimes. I bought makeup and a dress and pink stuff (for the first time in years) and I was actually happy. I'd even correct people if they called me a he. That was last year. After having some of the worst dysphoria of my life for years, after cutting my breasts with a pocket knife, pouring boiling water over myself and...yeah, just experiencing some of the worst suicidal thoughts of my life. But I don't think I was pretending when I said I wanted to stay a girl. I still thought about transitioning here and there but I brushed it off. I'd say for the most part, I was happy. My brand new dysphoria came with a mental breakdown. It happened...maybe the 4th of January. I had a lot of stress and I felt under pressure, I went for a walk around the block to calm myself and that's when I just felt weird. I say brand new but it does feel somewhat familiar, with more of a bite this time. This time, I feel more desperate. More trapped in, maybe. But I don't want to be a boy because my mom doesn't want me to. She literally said it to me, "[my name], I don't want you to become a boy," and she sounded so sad. I never explicitly told her that I thought I was trans but she knows I don't like my chest and want my breasts removed. She knows I'll only wear boys' clothes (except for my dress, which I no longer want...) and that I wanted to cut my hair off. I want to cut it shorter now. I hate my hair so much. It still looks like girls' hair. And I want proper boys' clothes that fit me. I don't want the clothes I bought three years ago that have holes and are worn out, I don't want hand-me-downs from my dad or uncle anymore. I can afford the clothes, I'd buy them myself but I'm so scared to ask for permission. And I hate that. It's my life. I only have one and I'm letting the years pass by. Why should I have to suffer, just to keep my parents happy? How much longer will this have to go on for? I don't know how much longer I can take. I'm not happy. I want to be happy but I'm not. Every time I try and say something truthful about how I feel, the words get stuck. I open my mouth but it's like I've forgotten how to talk. Remember how I said how content I was with being a girl? It's like the complete opposite now. I just get this feeling…like I want to rip my skin off. It's like it's too tight, almost. It's so strange. I got home from work today and shut myself in my room. I just sat on the floor, pulled my knees up to my chest and started crying. But I wasn't really aware I was crying. I'd just zoned out and I felt like I couldn't breathe right, I felt like I couldn't move and I didn't realize I was actually crying until I felt my cheeks were all cold and wet. That's when it really hit me that I couldn't keep living like this. I couldn't even look in the mirror. I think, if I could, I would get phalloplasty and top surgery. And hormones too. I mean, ideally. If there was no issue with cost or tissue death or the body rejecting the phallus or disfigurement. I really wish I'd been born a boy right now. It's worse than it ever was. I can't ever have that but…I could try and get close to that. The trouble is, it's like the girl and the boy in my head are fighting for control right now. I don't know who's right. I feel like the girl is telling me that I'm just "tampering with" my natural body and that it's wrong, that it will only bring more pain. The boy's saying that it's the only way I can live my life honestly and to the fullest. I don't know who to listen to. How do I ever know I'm making the right choice? How do I know that I won't transition and want to be a girl the very next day? I don't even know what to call myself right now. Some people on AVEN think I'm genderfluid but I think maybe I'm just crazy. This is just a theory but I think maybe, deep down, I do really want to transition and I know that if I do…I'm fucked. I wasn't supposed to swear anymore because I've become a born-again Christian and I never liked to swear as a Christian but that'll have to be my last hurrah. Because what other way can I put it? I just don't understand why every single moment has to be this hard. It shouldn't be hard to work out your gender. It shouldn't be this complicated. Why is it like this? Will I ever come to a conclusion here? Now I worry that I'm going to die, never really knowing what I was. To be honest, I don't know if this is a vent or if I'm even expecting replies. I feel like I'm seeking advice, I just don't know what advice I'm looking for… I realize that this is a very long post and I'm sorry but this was as short as I could make it.
You know I feel almost the exact same way as you. Except I was born male. Between late middle school to early college, I had maybe 2-3 episodes of questioning my gender identity, and like a million of questioning whether I was gay or not. I at some point just figured because I was known to be a hypochondriac, I had HOCD or something and I was happy with the idea that I was just a normal hetero-cis male. About a year ago, I was at the peak of confidence. I was working out regularly and checking myself out in the mirror always thinking, "man I actually look pretty good." I was relatively confident and social. I liked to eat out with various people, explore new things, and I got a job that I felt would help me get into a graduate school program. All of this was under the context that I was an extroverted male with a good view of myself. I felt like the only thing really that I was missing was that I had never had a girlfriend before. I have had girls interested in me, I have had girls I was interested in, but I was never able to break this mold into "intimate relationship". I always felt like imagining me as a boyfriend was kind of... weird. Like it didn't fit who I was. But I never explored why. So I always got scared. I always end up playing with girls, never really getting into a relationship, acting super ambiguous, or just straight up ghosting them. These are generally what brings up my HOCD episodes. A bit over a year ago, I met this girl who I thought was really special. We had a lot of common, she was cute, and we had similar career goals. I decided to push the envelope a bit and try to consciously push a relationship. Unfortunately, I kept passing up moments that I felt like I should have grabbed. I could never really initiate physical contact. I could never directly tell her that I liked her (I texted but it didn't go well). There were atleast 2 occasions where I could have gotten laid and she seemed to have suggested she was interested, but I couldn't do either. I always seemed to be able to show case my confident, funny, masculine side, but never my intimate, vulnerable side. All while this was taking place, I was constantly questioning my sexuality, thinking a normal straight guy would feel delighted to take on these moments. But calling myself gay didn't seem to be enough. Those moments of HOCD in the past, I did the same. Tried to imagine calling myself gay or saying it out loud but it just never resonated. I felt like it was more than just my sexuality that I was worried about. It was also the way I presented myself. I felt like I had possibly just been over compensating. Like the voice in my head did not match the person I was trying to be. I started to wonder if everything I did was really just an act this whole time, and what I really wanted was just to fit in. It makes me sad, because I felt like I had a lot of self-love for my masculine self. I felt like I was intelligent, righteous, relatively good looking (I wasn't like a god good looking but I never really worried about people thinking I was ugly nor did I feel ugly most of the time). Now I feel like all of that was a facade. Sometimes I feel like I really want to be a girl deep down inside, I just never had strong dysphoria. I can't fully commit to being masculine because similarly to you, I have that boy and girl side in my head fighting to see who is right. I constantly remember feeling so comfortable and confident presenting as a male, but then I also remember moments where I felt a sense of hesitation or discomfort related directly to my social role. I never felt discomfort with my body, but now I am starting to a bit. I had moments where I wondered if I would be happier in the girls position instead in like several moments in life. Sometimes I am watching TV and sitting in this kind of way that seems more feminine and my mind just kind of trails off to "I feel like I am a girl at the moment". It's like I cannot connect with the masculine me anymore and I am finding this female me that I don't want to accept. It feels like life is giving me a huge sucker punch like, "here let me have you think you are enjoying your life, then I will pull the rug and make you feel the complete opposite". What really started to scare me most is that this past year has pulled me into a state of depression and really for the first time, a feeling of hopelessness. Like in the past, I always felt like no matter how I felt at this moment, I knew things would get better and I would be strong enough to find a way to be happy. But for the first time, I had actually started to feel like that maybe I would be able to allow myself to be stuck in one place out of fear and never really no true bravery, intimacy, or self-love again. I see people getting married, having full time careers, and really growing into adults and I am stuck feeling like a child emotionally. I sometimes consider I may be a narcissist, histrionic, or some other personality disorder which prevents me from seeing my inner-self clearly. I too don't understand why it isn't easy to figure out my gender identity and feel like life is passing me by.
