Ward Cleaver is Gay!

I'm living the traditional suburban family lifestyle, much like the '60's sitcom. Only now it's living color, not black-and-white. And even though I often manage to bury it, I am bi. It kind of scares the s*** out of me, because burying the truth doesn't work, but doing something that would mess up my dear family doesn't work either. What would June say if she found out Ward was making out with men?

Anyone else out there in the same pickle?

 

Hi David-
You really hit the nail on the head! Yeah, I'm married and have been for almost a quarter-century, and all our kids are still at home. I have never cheated on my wife, unless you count the "autosexual" part. I've thought about maybe just making out with a guy, but even that lacks integrity if I do it secretly. When we were very first married, I opened up to my wife about my "gay side". We talked about it a little, and even attended a Bi Net meeting, but it was so awkward and uncomfortable that my wife and I quit talking about it a long time ago. She is full-on straight, and I never felt like she really understood. She's also an insecure person with a lot of pent-up anger. But she's also a very kind and loving woman.
It actually helps me a lot to write here, to folks that really do understand. I'm actually pretty comfortable with myself, and even more so with daily meditations where I wish for things like truly knowing who and what I am.

 

Mask1985, thank you very much for your reply. I think I wasn't very clear in my post. I'd be OK with a relationship with a woman, then one with a man, and so on, but not at the same time. Hopefully my post just before this one clears up what I was trying to say.

 

David, I hope you're still watching this thread because you and I seem to be very similar except that you're about the age of my oldest sibling. Sometimes I feel like I'm on a ledge that's getting narrower and narrower. At the moment, the ledge feels more like a safe resting place where I can get more in-touch with who and what I am, and where I want to go. Because you wrote that you came out here on Empty Closets about a year and a half before you told your wife, I've picked Summer 2019 as a target for getting off the ledge. That probably means re-starting the dialog with my wife that we dropped so long ago. Meanwhile, I can hang out here on Empty Closets, be supportive of the other folks here, and focus on being OK not just with myself but also with my situation.

 

mask1985, I re-read your post this morning and saw that you had written exactly what I needed: "... you need to be honest with yourself and your other half as in the long term it is the only way forward". I can only begin to express how deeply that resonates with me this morning.

A little earlier this morning I was asking myself, "How can I tell others the truth, when I don't what the truth is?". The answer I got was that the question I had just asked WAS the truth.

 

Looking back over my life, my non-straight sexuality seems obvious. As a kid when I would somehow get my hands on a Playboy magazine (wow! - way pre-internet) I'd look for the pictures of a man and a woman together, and I mostly liked looking at the man. Then there was my friend next door - it must have been in junior high school when we'd go oral on each other. In college, I remember walking across campus and saying out loud to myself, "I am gay", and it felt good and honest. After college I met a guy, had sex and spent the night with him. But somehow I manage to push all that to the back of my mind where I barely notice it.

Reminds me of a poster I saw that said, "The obscure we eventually discover. The obvious often takes a bit longer."

Over the last few years I've had trouble sleeping. I'd get to sleep OK, but then I'd wake up at about 4:00 in the morning and I'd be awake until time to get up a few hours later. Motivated by a developing awareness of the lack happiness in my life, about half a year ago I started meditating most every evening before going to bed. Part of the meditation is to wish for things, starting with wishing for happiness in my life. Almost magically, I started noticing times during the day that I would laugh robustly. The wishes include wishes to give back. The wishes have stayed much the same but also evolve over time. These days, one of my wishes is to know who and what I am. Then I found Empty Closets. I'm sleeping pretty well now.

Please tell me about your path.

 

BTW, it's clear that you are NOT broken or evil. Too bad I couldn't have set you straight on that a long time ago!

 

Thanks, justaguyinsf. Problem is I wimped out and dropped the conversation. There's like 20 years of catching up to do.

 

Holy ****!! Reading over this thread, I realize I've been more honest and open than ever before in my life. Thanks to you all for making this a safe, supportive place to tell the truth about myself.

 

I had this great (but obvious) realization this morning: just because I acknowledge, accept and embrace that I am gay, that doesn't mean I have to go have sex with anyone, the choice is still mine. That really helps me to relax.

BTW, is it OK if I call myself "gay"? The truth is that I'm not certain what my identity really is, other than not-entirely-straight. "Gay" is so nice and clear, concise and honest.

 

David, that was a profound post you made here yesterday. You inspired me to do a scan of the welcome area this evening, in case there's anyone in distress. This site is not only good, it's important. That really sucks that you had to go through such despair, but it's fantastic that your story turned out well. That December 25, 2014, in which forum did you post? How long did it get you to get replies?
I'm also interested in how you reconciled with your religion.

 

Hey David - I think it was a team effort. The support you got was crucial, and so was your willingness to be helped. It's a model for success. I am SO GLAD it worked and that you're here now.

 

OK, it's a modest step, but what's that saying about the greatest journey beginning with a single step? I've pretty much come out here at Empty Closets, and the honesty is changing my life. I'm energized during the day, I see new possibilities, and it even seems like my eyesight is better. One step at a time, each step in the right direction ...