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Talking about trans date, with friends who knew him before transition

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by jam93, Jan 14, 2018.

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  1. jam93

    jam93
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    So last night I was hanging out with some friends. At one point the topic got onto relationships, and I decided to tell them I was seeing a guy now. They were happy for me, and of course wanted to know if they knew him. For two of them, the answer was yes, because he used to be part of the college club I met all these friends in. The problem was, that at the time we were all in that club together he was still presenting as female (he’s trans). Because of this, I kind of had to misgender him to explain who he was. This didn’t bug me too much, because it was necessary to explain who he was. I basically said “You remember A, that girl who used to hang out with R a lot? Well he’s trans and I’m dating him now.” However, after I said that one of my friends asked “Wait was he trans then too?” To which I responded “Well I’m pretty sure he always was, he just didn’t start transitioning till recently.” This lead to a debate on whether it was ok to misgender a trans person if talking about them in the past, before they trasnitioned. Personally, I said no, but most of my friends (all straight and cisgender) said yes. They did bring up one good point, that it could get confusing in certain circumstances if you didn’t. For example, the brother of one of my friends had apparently dated a transman in the past, but it was before he was out, so that brother had always considered him a girlfriend. It makes sense to me, since saying that my friends brother had a boyfriend wouldn’t be an accurate representation of that relationship at the time it happened, and sends the wrong message about his sexuality. On the other hand, I still think it seems kind of rude to misgender a trans person at all, unless you need to in order to explain who they are or something like that. I guess what are your opinions on this? Who is in the right? Are any of us in the right? And how, since most of my friends who knew him knew him back when he was still presenting as female, can I best avoid or deal with this issue in future?
     
    #1 jam93, Jan 14, 2018
  2. quebec

    quebec
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    jam93....I'm not Trans, so my opinion won't be as significant as one written by a Trans person. However, I have a very special place in my heart for Trans folks. I know how hard it was for me to accept that I am and always have been gay, I can only try to imagine how difficult it is for someone to realize that they are trans and then have the courage to transition. I think that the best answer to your question lies in the way the people involved in the conversation are treating the Trans person. Are they being respectful and just trying to communicate the information in a way that others will understand what they are saying? If so then I don't think it really matters exactly how they phrase what they are saying. If by any chance (doubtful) the Trans person is present, then the best choice is to just ask them how they would like the story told (if at all! :old_smile:). .....david
     
    #2 quebec, Jan 14, 2018
  3. jam93

    jam93
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    ya, no one was being disrespectful, we were just trying to figure out how that would work. I guess that really is the important thing when you get down to it. Thinking about it the best option going forward would be to just ask him how he would like me to handel it. Thanks for the response.
     
    #3 jam93, Jan 14, 2018
  4. quebec

    quebec
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    jam93.... That's a very good plan! I have watched a lot of Trans youtube videos. Some of them say being misgendered isn't that big an issue for them as they have heard it all their life. Others say that it is a really difficult thing to deal with for exactly the same reason! So ask him would be the very best way to handle it. .....David
     
    #4 quebec, Jan 14, 2018
  5. PlantSoul

    PlantSoul
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    How else were they going to know who you were speaking about? Then, you explained that he was trans. You did well. Even if you were to mention their name at the time, your friends May not have remembered who they were. I agree with your friends. There are circumstances where it can't be avoided and to state otherwise would be too damn confusing.
     
    #5 PlantSoul, Jan 17, 2018
  6. Assassin'sKat

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    I think I have the same position as you. Generally, it's rude, but in some situations it's the only way to make sense. Like calling him an ex-girlfriend or explaining who they are to some people who knew him before he was out.
     
    #6 Assassin'sKat, Jan 20, 2018
  7. Harjus

    Harjus
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    It depends. It must be avoided if it can be avoided but in your case that wasn't possible. I am trans. In some company I can imagine myself talking like that about myself. "Do you remember that crazy girl? Well, it was me." There would be no other way to explain it.

    I was together with a straight man for years before transitioning. We broke up because he couldn't be with a man although he kind of had been for years. I can't expect him to talk about me as his ex-boyfriend. Nobody who we both knew knows about me anyways and I don't want them to. I just disappeared. Besides I misgender him too. Some people think I am straight and I want to keep it that way. So he is sometimes my "ex-girlfriend". I think I have no right to be offended.

    I wouldn't appreciate it if someone misgendered me or the past me for no reason at all. Or used my birthname. It's just not polite or respectful.
     
    #7 Harjus, Jan 22, 2018
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