Ok so um I've been question for about 2 years. It all started because I had never had a crush on anyone before, and because I got way too attached to a female fictional character who happened to be gay. The moment that character kissed another girl, something in my mind just clicked, I guess? Until then, it had never occured to me that liking girls is ok and I just never considered it because I knew it was frowned upon. So that's when hell started. The first year was not filled with any kind of interesting stuff, just me stressing at night about the possibilities of being gay and what would happen if my parents found out. Towards the beginning of 2017, so about a year after I started questioning, I developed a crush on my best friend. So that just kind of confirmed that I do like girls, and i wasn't just overreacting. It was kind of weird because we kept talking about my sexuality and stuff, and I had to kind of avoid the subject where we talked about who exactly it was i liked at the time. Anyway, there were still a lot of doubts, like that maybe I just got really attached to my friend and it wasn't a real crush. So I was sure i would know if i started developing a crush in someone else, which happened 2 months after getting over my friend. But I'm still very confused. And at this point it's very frustrating because: I know I like girls, I know that i want to kiss girls and that I want to spend my life with a girl. The problem is that I think I find boys more attractive? And that's what keeps me very confused. But i think it's more like admiration rather than anything else? When I see guys who look good, my first instinct is to think something like "i wish i could pull that outfit off" or "those haircuts are so fucking awesome" or that i just want to have a body similar to theirs (flat chest, sharp features etc). And I feel like I have trouble breathing, and i could stare at a picture of an attractive guy for a very long time because they have very interesting features. And this kind of thing never happens in the case of a girl. What's that even mean? Honestly, i just want this shit to end. It's causing me so much fucking stress, I just wish I knew already. Maybe you guys could help me out with some advice about anything, really. It would be greatly appreciated. (This deviated a lot from the origin point I waned to make, which I complete forgot but whatever)
You are on the path to figuring this out. I know it's easier said but I suggest not trying to figure out the exact meaning of all your feelings and that vary from the traditional forms. You will drive yourself nuts. Just notice those clues when they happen, but try not to dwell on them.
Meat to add that as long as you are open to learning about yourself the truth will be revealed to you.
Wow, are you me? I relate a lot to almost everything you've laid out here. So you're definitely not alone.
Tell me about it, I’ve been questioning for 6 years more or less, and I refuse to experiment, the idea of sleeping with someone just to ‘test the waters’ freaks me out, with both genders. And unfortunately I have been rejected/ friend-zoned by the crushes I’ve had. So it’s still a road to self discovery, I just stick to no labels and do what feels right! Also don’t listen to that doubtful voice in your head, go with the gut!!!
