We were texting and she wrote "nasty a** dudes". I replied "Right? You already know I go both ways so when these dudes ain't cutting it..." She wrote "Haha, who needs men anyways lol". I wrote that they weren't that bad and that was the end of the discussion. It was near midnight so I didn't expect any further conversation about it. I felt fine with telling her for a couple reasons: 1) She had seemed to be wondering about my sexuality in the past. I once told her she'd better tell me if she ever knew I was being cheated on and she said "I'll burn his house down (and quickly and very hesitantly added on) or girlfriends house..." I had just acted at that time like I didn't hear her/acted nonchalant. There was one guy, a mutual friend, who asked a couple times if I ever kissed women...and once made some comment while talking to us both about not wanting to make her jealous when I told him he was awesome (and she walked away with a large smile, telling him "oh shut up"). I couldn't tell who he was implying she'd be jealous of but they almost acted like there was some inside knowledge between the two of them. It could also have been that she speculated to him that I was into her. I couldn't read it well enough. 2) She used to flirt with me and jokingly said some sexual things. She once even tried grabbing my nipple and twisting it. But this was all about a year ago. She seemed to turn focus onto fixing her family (She is with the father of her kid - they are not married. It sounds like they have a lot of problems and I've been told that she is only with him for their kid). I saw her yesterday for the first time since the text. She called out "hi" from afar, though in a monotone voice, and without looking up from what I was writing, I replied back "hey" in a matching tone. And from there, we didn't talk at all... There was an awkward energy and I couldn't tell if it was just me. I didn't feel like making eye contact with her or chatting her up. We both talked energetically with other people. When she passed by me, she said/did nothing. This was just one night so it's hard to tell. There were some nights where she'd pass behind me and pat me on the hip or graze my elbow and other nights where she was in a rush to leave. But I'm wondering if the revelation might have changed things between us. She did seem cool with my sexuality in the text message, didn't she?
It sounds like she may have understood that you were coming out, but maybe isn't sure if you were doing it fully and so is acting a little awkward, unsure what to do. Or maybe it seemed like a joking around convo to her? If you're comfortable about it, it might be a good idea just to make a comment with certainty. Just a quick line, something like "Hey, so just to clear things up, I wanted to tell you/make sure you knew that..." It could clear things up a bit!
I wouldn't worry, from what you've written it sounds like maybe she's just feeling down, especially if things with her baby's father isn't going well. Try sending her a text, asking her how she's doing. She's your friend. I don't think someone who grabs your breasts would be weirded out to discover you like girls.
Ha, unless she's discovering for the first time that I might have liked it or might have liked her... And I did like her. I'm not sure how I currently feel. She didn't seem down and was talking well with another girl. But she's been back and forth with me for a while so maybe it's nothing new. We're friends but we aren't especially close.
From my own perspective, coming out is a very personal experience, and it should not be divulged in an offhand comment thrown into the middle of a text conversation. The approach may have caused discomfort to her more so than the information that was given. My suggestion is to talk directly to your friend and follow up on the text conversation. Be open with your feelings and your observations about the outcome. Just let her know that you've noticed a difference in how she is responding to you since the texts were exchanged and that you want to make sure everything is okay between the two of you. You could let her know that you value her friendship, and that you trust her enough to feel safe in coming out to her. Wherever we are on the LGBTQ spectrum, it can take some time before we learn to accept ourselves. Your friend may also need some time to process this information before your friendship moves forward. Don't give up on it.
I honestly don't want to wait around for her to accept it and start showing me respect. She was never a great friend anyway. I don't think I should ever have to make it a big sit-down coming out thing. And then just the fact that she was allowed to act in that particular way around me (sexual comments/touching) and the second I say something (that I'm bi), it's not ok. This irritates the hell out of me. I was always respectful of her boundaries.
It's totally your decision, but you might be making assumptions about her response based on a single text. As a previous poster indicated, there might be other things going on in her life and you could be reading things into her response that have nothing to do with you. I understand we all have different perspectives on how best to come out to someone. It's a matter of individual choice and you have to decide whether it's worth the effort to maintain the friendship if the response wasn't what you anticipated. I think you've already made that assessment, however, it's possible there is a misunderstanding about what is going on. If you were to reach out to her and clear the air, then you've kept a friend, especially if her recent interaction with you had nothing to do with hearing you're Bi. If she turns out not to be supportive, then at least you know the reasons.
Honestly, we used to really get along well. We had great energy and bantered a bit. Over the last several months though, she's been back and forth with me. Somedays she's saying "you know I love you girl" but most days she'd walk right by me without a word and if I said "hey" it's a quick, disinterested response back without eye contact...and she runs off. I've asked about her here before and have been told that she doesn't respect me or care about me. I told her, thinking we were getting along better, but it seemed to have pushed her further than she ever was before. She's expressed that she's totally ok with gay guys. I don't know if the same was true for bi and gay women. I once joked that she had naked men in her basement and she said that I'd be the first one she'd put down there. How would a straight woman say things like this about another girl? Why joke about wanting me to strip perform for her? And grab my nipple...granted it was a long time ago, but is a straight woman who is uncomfortable with other sexualities really capable of all of that? If it has nothing to do with my sexuality and it's just another personal problem of hers, there still isn't really any point in waiting around. This has been going on for a while. I don't need to be ignored on the daily. I have asked a couple times if she's ok. Or maybe she's avoiding me because it's better for her relationship back home?
Sorry, I haven't seen any of the previous posts on this, so my impression was that her recent behavior was all based on your text. The heading also implied it was a response based on coming out. This post clarifies that her response has been part of an overall pattern of behavior. I value strong friendships, but if she has been inconsistent in how she treats you, and frequently ignores you, then it may be a form of abuse, or at least abuse of a friendship. It sounds like you've tried to talk to her about it several times in the past, so I have to wonder if sexuality has anything to do with her behavior, or if she is struggling with her own identity or orientation. More than anything, friendships should be based on a two-way street of open communication and respect. If you've made every attempt to convey that message to her and continue to be dismissed by her depending on her mood, then perhaps it is time to let her know that you are ending the friendship and why you cannot continue with her treating you this way. Best wishes, whatever you decide.
Thank you for your input. Yes, maybe it has nothing to do with my orientation. She just didn't ignore me like this...she would at least respond in the past. I don't want to bother with her anymore. I've actually never had anyone treat me like this, much less anyone that claimed to "just love me"...The formal ending of the friendship is unnecessary. Doubt she cares.
I think you need to take a step back and think about this from an outward point of view. It seems like you're making a lot of assumptions. But try to consider how she feels, too. For example, this part: " She called out "hi" from afar, though in a monotone voice, and without looking up from what I was writing, I replied back "hey" in a matching tone." It seems like she made the effort to say hi to you, and you replied back in the same way. You intentionally made your tone monotone because she was. And you didn't look up from what you were writing. Things like this is probably why she is being distant from you - as much as you are assuming she doesn't want attention from you, you are making it seem like her attention is unwanted too. The best thing to do in this situation is to stop making assumptions and ask her how she's feeling. Everyone goes through problems in life - and she's probably dealing with a lot. People can't always be cheerful and upbeat 24/7. When she is feeling down, that's when you need to think of her and support her. Have you actually told her all these thoughts you've had? Everything you've told us, have you told her? Why do you doubt she cares when she's told you she loves you?
Thank you for your response. I've known her for a year, and I can honestly just think of one time that she's asked anything about me. She never asks how I'm doing or what I'm up to, what I like, who I'm dating, etc... She just doesn't care to know. This is a huge sign to me. Back when we used to really get along, we weren't chatting about much of anything. It was just banter. Now the banter isn't there and I'm just trying to make convo by asking about her and her life. I still am into her somewhat, but I decided that I wanted to try being friends and that I could be ok with the fact that she had a bf. She used to say she was "gonna find me a man"... It confused me because she was also flirting with me around that time. I thought she was trying to tell me she wanted to stay with her man and didn't want me. She stopped doing this after I once responded with "I have a man". She was in disbelief and said that I didn't... And asked "do you?". I asked later why she kept saying she wanted to find me a man. I also once casually said I was already fking someone else when mentioning some guy was apparently into me. She stopped altogether after this. No banter, no "I love you girl", etc. I tried being friends and just putting out friendly energy. But she doesn't give me anything. She never randomly texts me. She said merry christmas but my response to it went ignored. Several months ago, she asked me to come to an adult league softball game of hers. I didn't make it to the game but said I'd show up to one. I told her I was studying and heading to the gym in a bit. This could have upset her. As I was getting ready to go to one, I texted, making sure the game was still on, and she replied "who's this?". This hit me hard. So she had deleted my number (or was trying to send a message for me to leave her alone). I didn't go. I thought back then that I was just done with her... but I gave her another chance because I was into her. Months passed and she never texted. And I wasn't going to text her after that stunt. We honestly aren't very close. It's been impossible to get closer to her. She doesn't want to be friends. We only got a long when we had that high energy, flirty/banter thing.. And it's gone now. More often than not, she's pulling this ignoring or disinterested stunt. I say hey and she keeps walking after mumbling some weak response. With such a low energy, disinterested greeting... Why bother? With a greeting like that, she's simply expressing to me that she couldn't care less to see me. So I matched her tone and didn't bother looking up.
Well, ultimately it's your choice. If you don't want to be friends with her anymore, you don't have to be. But you shouldn't just ignore her. You need to tell her straight up that you don't want to be friends anymore. After all, wouldn't that hurt your feelings if she ignored you for no reason? (As you put it, "The formal ending of the friendship is unnecessary", but it in fact is necessary.)
Well, would you agree that this isn't much of a friendship and that she doesn't respect me much? Or do you still think I'm making assumptions?
I can't speak for her but yes you have made a lot of assumptions. I don't think your friendship can last if you (both) keep going this way.
I'd really like to be friends, but she constantly has me frustrated and feeling like a fool... But maybe friendship will never be possible anyway because I always want to be touched by her and hugged by her...
