can't get over crush #soconfused

hi , sorry this is going to be a LONG POST ~BUCKLE UP for some story time
So over the school year I've joined the lgbt club in my college, I would stop by at the end of my class from time to time, the usual people there, until one day I see this new girl , in the room I was sitting close to her , when I didnt notice her at all. she and I chatted, introduced ourselves made small talks, etc. At first i didnt think anything of it , I just saw her like any other person in the room , a friend for some friendly chit-chat. She's the type of person that is an introvert and doesn't like to be too social or surrounded by people too much , so she sometimes goes out of the club room to the computer lab , which is right, literally a few footsteps, from that lgbt club room. Days goes by, I would talk to her whenever I see her, stick around her -weeks go by , I was starting to get comfortable with her ,so I was starting to show my true hyper kid self. I think she was comfortable with me because she 'd talk about her day and tell me some of her stories, not too deep, but it was something. I didn't realize all that little amount of time that I saw her , our little encounters made me bond with her in a way I felt was intimate and special and only what me and her had. I guess thats why I fell for her was because I thought what we had was special(maybe it was idealism or living in my own head, but I've never had a crush on someone that was the same sex as me before do I was very confused. I've only had crushes, or noticed Ive had crushes on guys before because I didn't know having a crush on girls were even possible , because what society taught me.(maybe if my parents were gay or I was in an art school surrounded by lgbt friends would have helped and changed my naaive-ness) and what was more weird or confusing to my brain at the time was why do i have these really strong feelings for.this human., I mean, I never had feelings like that when I had crushes on guys or was even when I was dating a guy (ha , the three boyfriends I had, and I probably had them because they offered and I was my own misery to recognize they probably just wanted a sexual relationship , they didn't really love me.) Anyways-not only was i emotionally infatuated with her , I was also physically attacted to her-everytime she d make eye contact with me when we were in the group of friends i' d take that as a sign, she was maybe flirting with me. (to me, it felt intimate, because she was giving me only me eye contact, so I felt it was sending message to specifically me- and that added my" thinking that we re bonding intimate, signs of flirting. maybe i read. too deep into it for all i know maybe she was just looking forward and i.just happen to be sitting directly across from her . it hard t read signs.when she s not a extroverted outgoing person, like me, so I.take.these small things as signs.See, body language is hard to read. there was one time , in the beginning when we met , we were on our computer and this cool event poped up , she saw it and I told her that I was planning to go with my friends , told her she.should join-so we got each other's numbers. (and that wasn't even intentional bc in that beginning I just saw her as a friend , didn't.think.much of it, just thought yah new friends! oh boy was I wrong and how this chapter build off. When I felt all these butterflies I just ignored it , when I. saw , my body just had this reaction that i didnt.control where my headt just starts to beat really fast i d get nervous nit try not to show.it., so I talk to everybody in the room not just her , when all I wanted to do was to talk.to her only and hear exclusively about her lifestory. Every time I looked at her and we d have our bonding moments like walking just the two of us, away from the crowd added to "its me and her, against the world , you understand me-I understand you, type of fanasty , kinda like a power couple fansty if we were to be in one - cuz that would be my ideal relationship. Do I sound crazy yet?! haha Okay getting side tracked.here-bring.you.back on to the story is one night, there was a school club social event , our friends were there, usually she doesn't like those things but her best friend was with her so igues she feels comfortable she and her best friend is.like.really close I bet they were childhood besties or something, well she certainly knows more things about my crush than me , obvi, but for some reason I got jealous, how they were sitting close and the body language and her smiling.and laughing away, I tried to keep my cool, try to be distracted with other friends but I kept looking back at them , I felt invisible, i was somewhat mad, all I could thing of in my mind was "oh so all those special moments were just nothing, I.wasnt special. i.was just another.girl.to her huh..) I talked down myself, making myself feel really low, I noticed my head was down , slouching ,my whole posture were changed just with all the negative thoughts - in the meanwhile in the outside , everybody as having a great time , friends were singing happy songs and playing popular piano tunes . While I was all in my own head in the clouds , I didn't realize how upset I 've gotten, because I bursted out in silent tears and one of my friend noticed so she pulled me aside to the corner and asked if I was okay( I guess you can say it was cloudy up there, with 100% chance of rain) I told her everything , I said I don't know why i feel this way, nd that this crush thing was probably just a phase, it 'll pass by just like with all my boy crushed. (I was probably telling her that partly because I wanted to assure myself that ) but my friend told me I don't think that s a phase those are true feelings if you are crying about it and have this strong feeling, you should go tell her! I never planned on telling her but I.guess I kinda out myself in a position where I had to because those upset feelings made me stormed out of the room and was going back to the club room to get my coat and leave. Didn't know she noticed I left crying and ran after me, there were some.people on the club room so she said wanna go for.a.walk? walking was our thing, I couldn't say no to that , even though I was mad at her at that time. We were slowly walking, then there was a quiet room to sit and talk, we sat down I was still kinda mad , but I managed to smile, once I made eye contact with me, it as as if back to "the old times" when we were friends so my emotions calmed down a little ,was temporary not mad at her, she asked me what was wrong why did I cry , I just kept of thinking of the worst that 'll happen in my mind, so I said II couldn't tell her , I didn't had the courage to. She made few small talks, which brought me back to earth and not so in my own made-up scenarios, she asked if the people in the event were making me uncomfortable , in which I responded and said no,actually..... (this was what I probably felt and probably were two hour that past) I was crying because I like someone and I'm afraid they won't like me back -she looked at me with curiosity, and kind of a surprised , she asked if it was a boy or a girl?(this was that time , chance to tell her ,so I pushed myself, with all the courage and strength I had and finally said it It's You. I wasn't even looking at her at this point I was too nervous to see her reaction, my head was just pointing down the floor. She laughed in shocked , I said yeah :/ she said I think I figured or guessed it was going to be that but I just shut it down ,at that point I didn't remember clearly what she said exactly I was just relieved to push all this heavy weight off. she didnt exactly told me.if feelings were mutual or not. i remmeber her telling me.that she usually runs away to these type of situations, but "I'm still here so.." she told me, so I took that as maybe she did liked me too?? although my mind was unclear whether she liked me.or not that night, and I was already awkward turtle and forgot how to speak.like a normal human I didn't asked anymore questions and said good.night to her when.she had to leave to go home. the next morning she texted anand I.was disappointed because she sent me a text saying , anybody would love to be with you, I'm.just comfortable wit the level of friendship we have now, and with what I'm going thru now, I think it's best for me.to be alone" (yupp, I.was friendszoned~first confession ever and BaM shut down~rejection zone) that basically brought up a lot of insecurity thoughts like maybe I'm not pretty enough, smart enough...my mind just kinda froze and textd her back the "appropriate mature answer like , it's okay , I.understand . she said thanks for being so understanding, i wanted cry inside. the next day, it was a Saturday, which meant no school, I had to wait til.monday to see her at school.so I decided to text her good morning (now even.though I had her number I never texted her, we be only had converstation s whenever I bumpinto her at school. she reply good morning back after few minutes, I wasnt reading too much into what I was typing I had just woken up and checked Instagram when. I was waiting on her text and saw a quote about soul mates , texted I was thinking about you, she asked me what was I thinking about , so I screenshots the soulmate quote , but I think she got the wrong message or thought I was hitting on her , but for me it wasn't intentional, I was just being honest , bc when.that post of quote po up on my Instagram feed, it reminded me of her , I mean she was already in my head when I was texting. her. maybe she didn't want to feel guilty or "lead me on that I liked her" bc she texted back "i think.we should stop texting each othes i.had a million questions.. the answers were so different from the night of the confession. my fear was losing our friendship if i told her and this happens. my heart again was hurt, but I just texted back, alright, i have to respect what you want, i gues this is goodbye .she just texted cool. enjoy your day. i cried , my heart was broken ,through the days of distance , I missed her more but I.didnt take any action to text or try to seek her out at school, I mean thats what you do for someone you love right ?, you respect their space and command their wishes. anyway, its gotten better , I'm still not over her , she pops up.in my head from.time , I guess my question is how.can.i be infatuated when I almost "love " some on so bad if I don't even.know them that well, how can.it feel so real and how do I get over this, will I.ever get over this ?.... xoxo winniewander(cuzz im still wondering)

 

Haha very well put! very mature mindset.
I'm surprise I even got a respond
thank you so much for bringing light and smile to my face as I read this
This fresh perspective and validation of me not having done anything wrong" gives me the confidence to move on , I did everything I could no need to hold on or linger on futher "what-if " thoughts

I wish you joy, success
good health and happines
-thanks for writing !
enjoy your days~

Best,
Winnie

 

Ah haha, thanks for clarifying, & putting in the time for your advice
I like the fireworks comment, very clever haha