If you turn somebody down, whether they've asked you out on a date or just for a friendly get together, and they respond by saying "oh, you're too good for me/ I'm not good enough for you/ I'm obviously not exciting enough or smart enough or cool enough for you" how does it make you feel? Have you ever reacted that way if somebody has rejected your invitation? Would you say it's a form of passive-aggressive behavior?
That's like the weirdest thing to me. Like idk how you can possibly feel that someone is too cool / good for you to date them. Like if you think you got lucky seize your chance xD
People who usually say that have low sense of self esteem. They truly think that you are too good for them. It can come from many different experiences that the person might have, but it comes down to not believing that they deserve something good since there are better people out there. If you were my friend, I would say run the other way. Getting into a relationship with someone with low self esteem can mean a lot of work. If you are considering it, then I would highly advice you to figure out if they are aware of their low selfesteem and what they are doing to get better. You can help someone out, but you cannot force them to change.
@Nice Dave I'd second what the others have said. It would indicate low self esteem or (worst case scenario) a manipulative attempt to guilt you into changing you mind. Unless you have reason otherwise I'd say stick with the self esteem hypothesis. Regardless, they are not someone to get into a relationship with. Are you wanting to do anything about this or are you just asking for reflections on the incident?
Not asking for advice, just wondering what people think. I've had people say it to me before and I've said it to others as a throwaway comment, but thinking back on it, it seems like a subconscious attack against the person's decision to not hang out with me. Almost like its a masked way of saying "oh well, fuck you then, I took a chance and you don't wanna know."
@Nice Dave Yeah, I'd somewhat agree with your assessment. It's difficult being rejected and I think most people first instinct is to lash out in some way ad if you have self-esteem issues then I guess you could see it as internalising that anger. So yeah it could be as you and could be a self esteem issue. Either way it is not accepting that the other person has the choice and is entitled to choose who they spend their time with. That's not passing judgement btw - just pointing out that we have to accept these things as part of interacting with free willed individuals.
I agree that we should accept and respect someone's decision not to go out with us. Personally, I don't think dealing with rejection gets spoken about much these days. We might often talk about the after effects "he said no, he's not interested in you, you're not compatible with each other, accept it and move on" that sort of thing, but I don't think preparing for rejection often gets spoken about, so how to react if somebody does say no. It's natural to feel disappointed if someone rejects you, but dealing with that disappointment immediately afterwards can be difficult. Am I supposed to hide it and maintain my dignity and act like it doesn't bother me that much? Even though I've plucked up all that courage to take a risk and ask this person out? When I gave the "oh, I'm not good enough for you" speech I think that was an attempt to make a joke out of being rejected, but saying it does actually show my disappointment and brings out my insecurity. Basically "I thought you saw my attractive side, but you're not interested, so here's my unattractive side." There's also the fact that people say "no" differently. I think a lot of people are unlikely to say outright "no I'm not interested in spending time with you" because they don't want to hurt your feelings (even though it is much kinder to be honest) they might say "I can't I'm busy I've got stuff going on" and just hope that you get the hint and move on. That's a tough one to deal with because it's not completely cutting off your hope of seeing them it's telling you "some other time" even though they might actually mean "not ever".
Yeah, I think what you say is pretty lucid and accurate. Rejection is not something that people really prepare for. I agree that responding can be tricky. You shouldn't hide your disappointment but at the same time you can just say that clearly and honestly. Something like 'that's a shame I would have liked to opportunity to get to know you better. Hope you enjoy the rest of the [insert event here]' That way you are being clear yet recognising that they are not interested (for whatever reason). And yes, if you are not going to give someone time then just say so, the 'oh maybe' is a very frustrating response because it just leaves things ambiguous. Personally, I would take 'maybe' as 'no' and move on from their.
And again, I've done that myself - put people off with excuses instead of just saying "no I don't want to". I'm a little bit older and wiser (pffft!) now so I am more likely to nip it in the bud if someone I'm not interested in wants to spend time with me. It is a difficult position to be in, trying to let someone down without upsetting them, but after having it happen to me (someone I liked fobbing me off with excuses instead of saying no) I think it is best to not waste each other's time. I just need to learn to handle rejection a bit more gracefully, although hopefully the opportunities to improve at being rejected won't happen too frequently!
Lol, yeah rejection happens but it not something we want to happen too much. Yeah, it's definitely (like most things) an experience thing. The more experience you have the easier it is to deal with (from both sides). I think you are right about trying to let people down gently but being honest at the same time.
