...of being trans, because I'm starting to think I probably am, to some degree or another. I've read 20+ webpages and forum threads today and I am very upset. Now I know no one can tell me for certain if my actual gender doesn't line up with my assigned one, but just to get my thoughts down, here is some background: -I am AFAB -I turn 18 this month -I've never viewed myself as feminine and the fact that I apparently look extremely feminine to others makes me inexplicably uncomfortable. -I'm disconnected from my body. I know have breasts and some curvature and some weight on me, but it makes me uncomfortable thinking about it, so I just don't. The reflection in the mirror doesn't feel real. -When I was younger, the characters I always related to the most were male, even in female-centric media. I'd roleplay as a boy on the playground. I wanted to be like the smart guys I watched and read about. -Nowadays nothing has changed. I imagine myself in a button-up that actually fits and a jacket and people might not call me sir but they don't call me miss or a lady either and I can just be ME for once. -I act onstage at my school. I can't shake the sense of longing I have to play a man. I know I can't because I don't look or sound like one and never have, so I've been ignoring it and hoping it goes away. -I can't bear the thought of being seen as a woman. I figured it was a not wanting to face misogyny thing, but I'm currently out as a lesbian/bisexual girl and that isn't it at all. I don't want to be a woman. I never want to be seen as one, it disgusts me. For the longest time I've been aware of my discontentment but have just assumed that someday something would happen and in college or my young adulthood I'd suddenly be perfectly confident and content with myself. I'm starting to think that someday might never come and I just can't love myself as I am now. But actually changing instead of pretending to feel okay is honestly terrifying because: -My family are so important to me, and they know me as their daughter. I don't want to make them sad or angry if I were to tell them I wasn't female. I'd feel I was betraying them, and they've done so much. -transitioning seems like a whole lot of drastic change, and I don't even know what I want to transition to. I might not be binary, I don't know. -One of the many articles I read described how the author, a trans man, was punched suddenly by a stranger on public transport. Being trans seems dangerous and I'm already horribly anxious. I don't want to get hurt or worse. I don't want to describe myself as "trans" because that's such a big label, but I'm not the girl people think I am, either, and I can't keep pretending I'm just confused. I'm already worried about my future and I don't want to do something rash and be alienated from my family or something. My friends are mostly LGBT and I know they'd support me, but I still can't shake the fear. I just don't want to feel so damn gross anymore.
Hi. You sound about how I did even just a year ago. Even now that I've accepted that I'm transgender, I'm still not out to my family and have the same worries you do. (After I wrote this big ol' reply I reread your post, and saw you don't want to ID as trans; sorry, I forgot that part when I was writing. "Genderqueer" or "agender" are both nonbinary options that can kinda help you ease into exploring your identity. I ID'd as genderqueer for several years before accepting that I was a transman. Also from what I've read, "genderqueer" is under the trans umbrella. I'm not saying everyone who is genderqueer will eventually "turn trans" and I don't want to pressure you to take the trans label, I just wanted to give you my perspective. I think my response still works so I'm going to go ahead and post it. Also I'm sorry I talk so much and this is so long.) I had the same "symptoms" -- never feeling like a woman, always roleplaying as a man (both in child's play, and later online as a teenager). I never related to girls, I never really acted like a girl, but I had it hammered into me that I was a girl, so I thought I was a girl. I didn't even know trans people existed until I was about your age, and didn't start questioning until I was 20 or so. Now at 24, I've only just recently accepted myself; so it can be a long process, and there's nothing wrong with that. (Although I'll admit it's a very painful process, and the sooner you get it over with the better, lol.) Have you heard of S. Bear Bergman? He's a transgender author. He wrote "Butch is a Noun" back when he identified as a lesbian. When I was figuring out my gender, I read that and related to it so hard, so I thought "I must be a lesbian," even though that didn't feel right. Then I looked Bear up, and saw that he had transitioned after writing that book, and I thought "well, shit." That's more or less how I buckled down and really accepted my identity, lol. (In that same vein, I'd recommend checking out transgender YouTubers like Chase Ross and Ty Turner. There's lots, but those two are my favorite, and their videos were instrumental in me accepting myself as trans.) But I still have moments of doubt, and I've come to recognize the doubt comes more for my worries about my safety than anything else. The question is not "Am I trans?" but rather "Do I really want to deal with being transgender?" The answer is no, who would want to? But I also can't help it. It is what I am. Even though I'm not out and have not transitioned, just accepting it and living my private life as a man has been so liberating and I'm so much happier than I am before. I know being transgender can be scary, especially with all the crappy news coverage we're bombarded with. But if you're trans, you're trans. All you can do is live authentically and do your best to make the world a better place for the next generation. That's all anyone can do. As for your family, I had the same worries. I've been putting off telling them I'm transgender for about three months now, because I'm afraid I'll break their heart. But their heart is going to be broken anyway, so I just need to do it. You can't live your life for someone else, not even family. Please remember, you are your own person and you don't owe anyone anything -- rather, your parents brought you into this world, and they owe it to you to let you live your life even if they don't agree with it. Take your time figuring out your identity, if you need to. Perhaps you can tell some close friends that you're questioning and this will give you a space to explore your options.
Thank you so much for your reply. I feel a lot less isolated now. I really appreciate you taking the time to write this. I've got anxiety out the ass and so I rush a lot of things, but I know this can't be rushed...it's really hard to wrap my head around. I'm glad to know I'm not alone in all the internal conflicts I'm having though. Thank you again for your words.
No matter what I encourage you to be who you are. I am so glad you are here and talking about this. And finding others who relate. No road is easy. Every turn has its challenges. I support you no matter what you choose. TM
what ever will be will be the future is not ours to see love and support from family and friends is a great gift consider me your friend TM
I read this and thought I was reading a biography of myself! I'm turning 19 in less than a month, but other than that I feel all of those things. You're definitely not alone. I wish you the best of luck and will offer you the advice that I keep reminding myself; Finding yourself takes time. When the time is right, you'll know. Keep exploring how you feel. Best of luck!
A lot of this is familiar to me. Instead of drama, it was choir. Instead of wanting to be suited up, it is trying to claw the demonic thing off me as quickly as I was allowed to. In the mirror it was all the facial hair, lack of curves, and lack of development in the chest. Not that I hate my body, but more I want to tell it that it did puberty wrong. You definitely aren't alone in feeling these sort of doubts and concerns. It can sometimes be hard to get through these, especially when you talk about anxiety. I'm much the same way, even if my concerns are slightly different. I am concerned about the treatment by random strangers who would "clock" me. I am concerned about how my family would react, but they already complain that I might be "mistaken" for a girl, or that I'd look better if I was dressed up more in suits and other formal "male" attire. Which doesn't help. But my brother's teenage child has been going through their own gender identity exploration too, and has been supported by the family, which has been good news. But, it did suck the air out of my own confidence coming out to my family, because it feels like I'd just be trying to take attention away from their own journey. And it's been hard to regain it in the face of that. At least for the time being, hang the label. It's not important. What's more important right now, in my mind, is that you get the opportunity to explore these feelings and get to the root of them, so you can find confidence in what you believe the next step should be.
Big thanks to all of you! It's been a month now and I'm currently working on presenting myself differently (just little things for now) and I've expressed my feelings to a few trusted friends, who were supportive.
you are someone who has friends in your life that care Trans or not I am glad to call you my friend now. I am sending you love and support to where you are. trevin michael
