Hi: Bear with me here, as I'm not sure exactly if I'm asking the right question or even if that question needs to be asked. Maybe I'll just tell the story and go from there: I'm middle-aged (50's) and in the last year it has really hit home to me that none of the things that I thought would come to pass in my life actually have. I seem to have not gotten anywhere at all with the usual stuff of life like a university education, a good job, house, partner, children. I have tried to make these things happen and they never have and it seems that I am the only person that I can think of in my peer group to be in this situation. I've never even had a single long-term relationship. This has become a source of intense shame to me, shame that feels so overwhelming at times that I start thinking about suicide (thinking this happens randomly, I have no plan to kill myself). I always believed that at least some of these things could and would happen and they seemed to happen so readily for other people that it (apparently) makes no sense that they haven't come to pass in my life. So I'm wondering if there is a common thread to all this "failure". Is there something that I do or don't do that prohibits me from getting anywhere with these things? What did you or other people do to make these things happen - was there a commonality in your approach to achieving what you wanted? And for anyone who might be thinking "wow, first world problems", yes, I agree. I'm very aware that a great deal of the world's population live in dire circumstances and would risk a lot to have my small degree of relative security. It just seems so strange that despite certain abilities/advantages that nothing should ever come to fruition. Thanks.
Hi Wicked, Since each situation is so different, it's hard to give advice in this manner, but maybe I can share my experience. I have had success and failures in most aspects of life...personal, professional, etc. For me, the underlying thread that I see when comparing my successes to my failures is that most of my failures have occurred at times when I wasn't happy with myself for some reason. I know everyone is different, but for me, I know that when I'm not happy or content (even at a very basic level) with my life as a whole, I tend to not have the motivation to succeed in anything. I know this is very general, but I think maybe a good starting place would be exploring what about yourself and your life you like/dislike. I was told by a therapist that when we have emotional baggage, it hampers our ability to do anything to perfection, thus hampering our potential. We all have some level of emotional baggage. So I guess you have to see what things motivate you to achieve goals in life. I think therapy is great for this.
I think @Rana's suggestion of exploring your motivations is a good one. I don't think we can really say what you may or may not have done to prevent yourself from achieving these things. Do you actually regret not achieving them for yourself though, or is it more that you feel they are things you should have achieved? They are certainly all things that I felt I needed to achieve just to be normal or seen to be successful. There are plenty of other paths to follow though. When I was at school, particularly between the ages of 16 and 18, it felt like university was the only valid option. For me, going to university was just a case of applying and going along. I really enjoyed undergraduate, but not so much postgraduate. I found finding a career really hard, much harder than I'd anticipated it was going to be. I think there's sometimes an element of being led to think that if you go to university, you'll automatically just get a great job. Not the case, it's actually a lot of hard work. Similarly, I think media, TV shows, etc. can led us to think we'll just get married, have children, etc. and again, that's not always the case. I've got those things, but I'm not really happy in my relationship. So, all the people with all those signs of success might not be happy either. They don't guarantee happiness.
@wickedwitch I am sad to hear you feel shame, i know from experience how awful that can feel. It may sound silly but music really helped me keep going when i was at my worst. I used to sing (for lack of a better term) along with Frank Sinatra to the song thats life. Something about it picked me up and helped me keep going. 'I've been a puppet, a pauper, a pirate A poet, a pawn and a king I've been up and down and over and out And I know one thing Each time I find myself flat on my face I pick myself up and get back in the race That's life (that's life) I tell ya, I can't deny it I thought of quitting, baby But my heart just ain't gonna buy it And if I didn't think it was worth one single try I'd jump right on a big bird and then I'd fly' It always made me think what if i give up now and miss out on finding a bend in my road. Best wishes to you
wickedwitch- Sometimes social construct is a difficult thing to deal with. When I was still in my parent's house, all of the things that you mentioned were there. Nice house, nice cars, nice vacations, family life, etc. But the problem was there was no unity within the family. No relationship. Just a group of people. A mother, a father, and four children. My dad was successful in his line of work. The money he made was really good (upper middle class). No lack of anything. He would walk into a car dealer and order a couple of cars (one for him, one for my mother), pay for them on the spot, take delivery of them and drive home. And then turn around and by a boat the same way. The "things" of life were there. The "relationship" of my parents really wasn't a relationship. A lot of arguments. Sleeping in separate beds. A lot of tension in the house. And as a result there was a separateness between us children. And tension between us kids. I'm just saying that not all looks like a rose garden. It isn't always peaches and cream. Yet, I'm sure there is a lot of situations that are as "Camelot". I have always longed for all those things. But I have found that finding me is a very crucial part of it all. I guess I'm just trying to say that maybe you could find out who you are (if you don't already know). Building the foundation within yourself might be the start of the "success" you are looking for. And it is a basic human need to want the successful relationship. Just a matter finding the right situation. Just encouraging you to keep trying to go forward in your life.
I wish I had a good answer from my experience that I could share to help you, but this is more to say you're not alone in feeling that way, including not always wanting to keep enduring this life. I did get to a few of the steps you mentioned, but they didn't make me happy in the end. I got stuck somewhere and I think it was once I realized I was gay, didn't come out and realized the rest of life wasn't going to follow the path I had been lead to believe. Never having mutual interest with anyone and feeling that human connection we all need makes me feel unworthy, rejected and an outcast. In the past year I've come to realize that even if I was straight I couldn't have a ltr due to some issues I'm unwilling/unable to change and don't see being able to share them with a partner. I don't think keeping secrets is healthy for a ltr so I just can't get into one and having that realization crushed any hope I had for finding a bf. I think that loss of hope infects all areas of my life so I wonder if lacking hope is a problem for you too. People who can pick themselves up must have some flicker of hope remaining and I know how that ember dies a little each time you fall. It dies for some faster than others because we all have different levels of support and resiliency. I hope you have a spark still and it can grow and you find your way. Take care!
I'd never think of these as "first world problems". We all struggle with things, and our only point of reference is ourselves and what we have experienced. One thing I eventually realized I was doing was having such a wide view of all of my future goals that it was really impossible to attain any of them. All of those dreams, the partner, children, degree, good job, etc. end up being terribly hard to attain when you're thinking that you have to have all of them. One way to start is to pick just one goal, the most easily attained one, and focus on that. It's not a cop-out to start with something easy. You walk before you run, and speak in single words before phrases and sentences. Pick up a few night classes that might move you in the direction of a degree, or speak with your boss about what it might take to get a promotion. Don't try to do it all; work in bite sized chunks to manage what you can without being overwhelmed. Some form of therapy or counseling is a good idea. I've always had problems connecting with people, and I have come to accept that I have some personality traits that can keep people at a distance. There's a chance I could work through them, but I found it much more realistic to accept those traits as part of my personality, and stop expecting to have the crowds of long-term friends that my brother has, and realize that I am allowed to be a loner and prefer solitude, without being somehow damaged for it. Sometimes the things we see as flaws are really just that we can't accept ourselves for who we are, and we compare ourselves unfairly to the people who we think "have it all" (and really, they rarely do). You might also want to look into the possibility that you have some form of adult ADD. My teenage daughter has ADD, and talking with her about it has been eye-opening. So many of the things going on in her head sound painfully familiar. Even though I have managed to have a degree, decent job, wife and now male partner, children, I still look at my life and feel as unfulfilled sometimes as you describe. The degree was chosen after changing majors for 4 years and finally picking a major out of the subject I had the most credits in, and I've never used it at all. I've spent over 20 years with a company and in positions that I managed to do well at, but have no real interest in. My sole motivation was providing for my family, and now I am only a few years away from being able to downsize the job, stress level and paycheck and do what I really want, but at 56, I have no idea what that might be. It all sounds so much like what she has experienced with her ADD, and I am wondering if that would explain my general lack of direction and motivation. It could also explain why those aspects of your life seem so out of reach or unattainable. Whatever you do, remember that you need to set realistic goals based on where you are and WHO you are, and the best way to do that is to start with the most attainable. It may only take a few "wins" to be much happier with your life. Hugs....you're definitely not alone in this.
Hello @LostInDaydreams @azure au @butterfly1 @mnguy and @Choirboy : Thank you all for your supportive comments. Both writing all that out, ie: telling someone, and your comments and suggestions have helped a lot with the shame. I really appreciate your support.
I agree with Butterfly1. And if you not had a safe environment on psychic level next is happening. What i think is when you are bisexual you never come to your real self. There is always a part of you, you got to hide. So a lot of bisexual people build up a wall; you won't open your personality totally. When you're going out to socialize not so many people care about that. But if you got to do business or going for a job, people try to read you if you can be trusted. They feel you are difficult to read. So thats making them doubting. And who is doubting does not make easy the next step. So for you its way more difficult to do business or find a job. Than you start to be unsure about yourself and that makes it even worse. The spiral downwards has started. A good recipe for endless fighting against something you don't understand and a good recipe for a burnout. Yep that's me, I got the same experience as OP. Still fighting to break of that wall. The wall you once build in your most vulnerable time, read puberty. Very hard to break down but not impossible.
One of the hardest things I have had to deal with is deconstructing and breaking through the self imposed walls I have built. This prison of my own design has been very restricting. And has limited my progress in life. But I can say that when those walls come a tumbling down, things become clearer. The steps more assured. The walk becomes more free. The struggles don't necessarily go away. They just become replaced with other situations, other struggles. It is the way life is. What does happen is a person can face things with the confidence within themselves. One can hold their head up and know that there is hope. wickedwitch- I am 64. The struggles have been there for me what seems like forever. It is not too late to find your true self. There is always a way to find the other end of the tunnel. Even if it seems impossible at the moment. There is hope for a person.
What in yourself do you need to look at? May I suggest that you look at that you are a good person, and a worthy person. Because you are.
