My 20 year old son just came out to me and I feel....

brainwashed · Nov 24, 2017

JakersMom said: ↑

Brainwashed,

...... He even told me that he never had any attractions to ANYONE in Highschool. He has always been a very mature kid. He didnt go for the name brand wearing, follow the pack of popularity kind of thing. ........
Click to expand...

Interesting. Yout son's traits sound very similar to mine when I was in high school. The exception is, I had attractions to guys in high school but didn't know what that meant.

The forum thread has been fun and informative. I've learned a lot.

silverhalo · Nov 24, 2017

brainwashed said: ↑

Ya, reflecting a bit, I guess it's not out of range of possibility for a mother to not ask, is my son gay? Good point. Thank you.
Click to expand...

No worries. I think it's easier for me to see it because I didn't know myself. My girlfriend who knew but repressed it for a while struggles to understand how I possibly couldn't of known so I think it depends on our own experiences.

JakersMom · Dec 19, 2017

I wanted to start a new thread but messed it up, so Ill continue here with a question for all that might want to respond.....

Last weekend my son came out to his buddies. It sounds like it went well, but in my imagination no one can really knows until he lives life around them with his reveal. My heart hopes that nothing changes for him because he is happy! Fear and reality tells me that not everyone will treat him the same and he will feel it. That is the nature of the beast I suppose and I will be here if he needs.

My reason for writing is for my own selfish reasons. I have kept this under wraps because it hasn't been MY story to tell. I have a need to talk about it because I hate secrets, especially when faced with a moment where I have to avoid or stretch the truth. But, even though he has started his journey of coming out, he has yet to tell his Dad. I'm torn between my own need to share it with people close to me, and the respect that I have for him and his timing.

When is it ok to talk about it? I suppose the answer is to ask him, and that is most likely what I will do, but there is a part of me that feels very gagged and restricted and its VERY hard.

Being a loyal and loving parent is difficult, especially if you consider we have our own needs to deal in our own way.

JakersMom

EmH25 · Dec 26, 2017

Hi Jakersmom, i am a 23 year old woman who was ousted while still figuring out i liked girls, i was raised a Jehovah's witness, now some say it is bad, i don't think so, it is strict and generally anti gay practicing meaning you cant act on attraction to same sex, so for me being outed was EXTREMELY upsetting

, i kinda roundabout came out to a girl id been friends with since we were young she is about a year younger this was almost 2 years ago now, she told her mom And the elders in my hall, who told me they needed to talk to me w my mother, who is very homophobic and judgemental about anything she doesn't like, so i think she thinks i was just trying to get attention, she just looked dumbfounded really haven't talked much, but she seemed to increase her anti gay comments after finding out, when gay stuff was on TV she would comment on how gross it it, i have Aspergers, i was adopted by maternal aunt at birth, i still live at home, am on disability, currently don't have a liscence working on getting one, have a 7 year old brother with medium severity autism, and am stuck knowing i can never have a relationship w a woman, my biological mom accepts my sexuality, but she lives in Az and i live in Mo, and most times i dont want to have any association with witneses, but if i don't keep pretending i will lose my home, my family, and any friends i have, which actually i have no friends outside witnesses except maybe one...kinda, besides on here of course

, i have no hope to ever live my life how i want to live it, so if anything, be glad you are a good kind person who loves their son enough he can be fully himself around you, having to hide even a small part of yourself, which i hide betwen 75% and 85% of myself every hour of every day, u gave your son the best gift you could have given him, you love and acceptance, and hope, for the future, that he can have a boyfriend, and that you will probably want to meet his special someone☺.

Chip · Dec 26, 2017

Hi,

It's been a bit of time now, and your son sounds pretty mature, so it seems like it would be very reasonable for you to go to your son and just directly talk about the bind it puts you in, between two people you love and care about. Talk about the concerns or fears he has, and perhaps he would like you to tell him, or perhaps he'd like to write him a note or letter or something.

It should be his call, but he should also be considerate of you and your situation, and hopefully be willing to work with you on that.

As for his friends... what happens sometimes is it takes them a few days to sort of think and consider what this means, after which they are generally fine. Unless he has friends that are ultra religious or conservative, I seriously doubt there will be any issues.

Wesley007 · Jan 12, 2018

Thats so cool. Wish my mum was as cool about things

heyrita · Jan 16, 2018

You are shocked by the truth the reason why you are sad, and there's nothing wrong with that. He trusts you more than any other person in the world that's why he told you who he really is and who he wants to be. I am happy that you are there to support him. You are indeed a great Mom.

HisMom · Feb 13, 2018

JakersMom said: ↑

I’m sure Im one in millions to have began a statement like this, so in that I know I’m not unique, which is why I’m here. I’m hoping to find some support and understanding, not only on what is the best thing I can do for my son, but support as I go through the process of understanding my own emotions, reactions and challenges.

I’ll begin with how he told me. It was random and unplanned. We were talking and catching up after working through a little tiff we had recently had. It was a great conversation and like any typical Mom, I asked if he had a girlfriend yet (insert forehead slap). He ofcourse said no and did his usually shake his head and smile. I told him what Ive told him before, about how I didnt get it because he was such a good looking young man that I was sure there were girls out there making themselves known (insert second slap). Then I went to laugh and say, “ok boyfriend?”, and the look on his face pushed the words “are you gay?” Out of my mouth. You now know his answer.

My reaction was “Are you kidding?”, and he shook his head no. I immediately got teared up and said “OH MY GOD”, throwing my arms around him. He said “please tell me those aren’t tears of sadness”. I told him they were absolutely NOT from sadness, but from surprise and the joy of knowing the truth. They weren’t false words. I meant it. We then went on and chatted through my surprise and he opened up about someone he had been very attracted to and hopeful for. My heart honestly beamed to see his face as he talked. I had never seen him talk like that before about any potential love interest, male or female, but now he openly could and I was thrilled but still reeling in shock, wanting to say the right things. All ended well there...

The days since that revelation have been such a mixture of emotion. After the initial numbing shock wore off, the flood gates opened. I literally became a scene from a movie where the person in the shower yells out, then laughs to the point of heaving sobs. It was emotionally all down hill from there. My husband, who is not his father, was gone hunting for a few days. I didn't know how I was going to tell him or if I even should. It wasn’t my story to tell yet as my son has not come out officially, except to his room mates. I had just been experiencing several other sources of stress that were, at the time, manageable. This put me over the edge and I felt ashamed that it did. The night my husband came home, I tried life as usual. I did tell him. I needed to... I needed him. He was of course surprised but went along with my light attitude about it and the night went on as usual. Then the damn broke. I broke. I suddenly couldn’t distinguish my different stresses and it all came out in a major breakdown. Although I’m still crying intermittently and isolating myself to lick my wounds, I have at least made progress as to what I know my wounds really are.

I am NOT upset or disappointed in my son. I am thrilled for him. He can live his life as real as it can be and that is a wonderful thing for him! He is, and always be the same Jakerman I love and respect. I’m the one who has to change and accept that the movie reel that played in my head was just that.... a movie and not real. I had NO CLUE. I'm so disappointed in myself that I didn't see it, and that I could have helped him through his own confusion years ago. The guilt was, and still is heavy. I also had put a lot of pressure on him in my head to be the one child out of my three to fall within the bell curve. I've struggled with his two older sisters for completely different reasons, and in my head he was going to be the one that came away of my parenting struggles unscathed. Now, I know I didn’t cause any of their issues, or my son’s sexual preference, but my lifelong picture of Norman Rockwell completely died a few days ago and I’m grieving.

I know its ok to grieve, not the loss of my son, but the loss of what I thought I knew and believed and the fact that I completely missed the mark. I know I will figure this out in my own head and the process of grief will give way to something better, however I will still need support for those break through emotional times as well as the how to deal with the rest of my world now and after he decides to come fully out. I hope to find support in all of that here, along with supporting others down the road once my experience is a bit more ripened.

Thank you if you chose to read this whole saga. It felt good to spell it all out slowly in front of my own eyes.

JakersMom
Click to expand...

I so get you. I think of all the times I joked about how his wife would continue the nagging in adulthood... like those are a million little messages I wished I'd not sent. Parenting is... full of these moments and regrets and love and... it's all just a little more complicated & we want to protect them. It's easier in the middle of the bell curve - but then we'd miss all the fun.

FinallyOut2015 · Feb 27, 2018

You sound like an awesome parent, and you seem to be doing all of the right things, It is important to be respectful of his privacy, but also to address your own emotions. PFLAG is a good organization, but don't become too active in public activities without speaking to him. The stereotypical PFLAG MOM is not compatible with a mature guy who is still partially closeted. Also, PLEASE don't try to set him up with anybody. That is his job. It is good to help him network with LGBT friends, but the romance is up to him.

I am also a parent and I have always been prepared for whomever my 20-year-old daughter chooses to love. She has mild Aspergers so she is still operating at a less mature level and is not ready for dating. Her mother has asked that I remain closeted to her because she believes my daughter would have a tough time accepting. I disagree, bet respect her request, but I don't hold back on who I am. The other day my daughter made a comment when I used product in my hair that it looked more "formal" and less "sporty". I guess that is her way of saying it looked gayer. She is my only child and I accept her as she is, and I believe she would do the same for me.

scs96 · Apr 17, 2018

Your reaction is really great, thank you for loving and accepting your son. My mom has done the same thing and she told me too after I came out that she felt extremely guilty for not seeing it sooner and not being able to help me. It's completely normal to feel those things and it's really not your fault at all.

Humbly Me · Apr 17, 2018

JakersMom said: ↑

I’m sure Im one in millions to have began a statement like this, so in that I know I’m not unique, which is why I’m here. I’m hoping to find some support and understanding, not only on what is the best thing I can do for my son, but support as I go through the process of understanding my own emotions, reactions and challenges.

I’ll begin with how he told me. It was random and unplanned. We were talking and catching up after working through a little tiff we had recently had. It was a great conversation and like any typical Mom, I asked if he had a girlfriend yet (insert forehead slap). He ofcourse said no and did his usually shake his head and smile. I told him what Ive told him before, about how I didnt get it because he was such a good looking young man that I was sure there were girls out there making themselves known (insert second slap). Then I went to laugh and say, “ok boyfriend?”, and the look on his face pushed the words “are you gay?” Out of my mouth. You now know his answer.

My reaction was “Are you kidding?”, and he shook his head no. I immediately got teared up and said “OH MY GOD”, throwing my arms around him. He said “please tell me those aren’t tears of sadness”. I told him they were absolutely NOT from sadness, but from surprise and the joy of knowing the truth. They weren’t false words. I meant it. We then went on and chatted through my surprise and he opened up about someone he had been very attracted to and hopeful for. My heart honestly beamed to see his face as he talked. I had never seen him talk like that before about any potential love interest, male or female, but now he openly could and I was thrilled but still reeling in shock, wanting to say the right things. All ended well there...

The days since that revelation have been such a mixture of emotion. After the initial numbing shock wore off, the flood gates opened. I literally became a scene from a movie where the person in the shower yells out, then laughs to the point of heaving sobs. It was emotionally all down hill from there. My husband, who is not his father, was gone hunting for a few days. I didn't know how I was going to tell him or if I even should. It wasn’t my story to tell yet as my son has not come out officially, except to his room mates. I had just been experiencing several other sources of stress that were, at the time, manageable. This put me over the edge and I felt ashamed that it did. The night my husband came home, I tried life as usual. I did tell him. I needed to... I needed him. He was of course surprised but went along with my light attitude about it and the night went on as usual. Then the damn broke. I broke. I suddenly couldn’t distinguish my different stresses and it all came out in a major breakdown. Although I’m still crying intermittently and isolating myself to lick my wounds, I have at least made progress as to what I know my wounds really are.

I am NOT upset or disappointed in my son. I am thrilled for him. He can live his life as real as it can be and that is a wonderful thing for him! He is, and always be the same Jakerman I love and respect. I’m the one who has to change and accept that the movie reel that played in my head was just that.... a movie and not real. I had NO CLUE. I'm so disappointed in myself that I didn't see it, and that I could have helped him through his own confusion years ago. The guilt was, and still is heavy. I also had put a lot of pressure on him in my head to be the one child out of my three to fall within the bell curve. I've struggled with his two older sisters for completely different reasons, and in my head he was going to be the one that came away of my parenting struggles unscathed. Now, I know I didn’t cause any of their issues, or my son’s sexual preference, but my lifelong picture of Norman Rockwell completely died a few days ago and I’m grieving.

I know its ok to grieve, not the loss of my son, but the loss of what I thought I knew and believed and the fact that I completely missed the mark. I know I will figure this out in my own head and the process of grief will give way to something better, however I will still need support for those break through emotional times as well as the how to deal with the rest of my world now and after he decides to come fully out. I hope to find support in all of that here, along with supporting others down the road once my experience is a bit more ripened.

Thank you if you chose to read this whole saga. It felt good to spell it all out slowly in front of my own eyes.

JakersMom
Click to expand...

I'm not so sure Norman Rockwell would really appreciate the association with heteronormativity he is given. His close friend and semi-teacher J.C. leyendecker was gay, and probably one of the closest to out celebrity figures of the time until the Great Depression, when his subject material became unpopular.

Love4Ever · May 6, 2018

First of all I have to say what a great mother you are. Your reaction of loving acceptance is what people dream of getting from their parents. Your son is probably so grateful to have the support of his mom! What you are doing is great, he trusts you and will come to you if he needs you. Sometimes it is good to let the other person lead the conversation, but if you sense he wants to talk but can't, just keep giving him gentle reminders that you are there for him.

BiBarefeet · May 6, 2018

JakersMom said: ↑

I’m sure Im one in millions to have began a statement like this, so in that I know I’m not unique, which is why I’m here. I’m hoping to find some support and understanding, not only on what is the best thing I can do for my son, but support as I go through the process of understanding my own emotions, reactions and challenges.

I’ll begin with how he told me. It was random and unplanned. We were talking and catching up after working through a little tiff we had recently had. It was a great conversation and like any typical Mom, I asked if he had a girlfriend yet (insert forehead slap). He ofcourse said no and did his usually shake his head and smile. I told him what Ive told him before, about how I didnt get it because he was such a good looking young man that I was sure there were girls out there making themselves known (insert second slap). Then I went to laugh and say, “ok boyfriend?”, and the look on his face pushed the words “are you gay?” Out of my mouth. You now know his answer.

My reaction was “Are you kidding?”, and he shook his head no. I immediately got teared up and said “OH MY GOD”, throwing my arms around him. He said “please tell me those aren’t tears of sadness”. I told him they were absolutely NOT from sadness, but from surprise and the joy of knowing the truth. They weren’t false words. I meant it. We then went on and chatted through my surprise and he opened up about someone he had been very attracted to and hopeful for. My heart honestly beamed to see his face as he talked. I had never seen him talk like that before about any potential love interest, male or female, but now he openly could and I was thrilled but still reeling in shock, wanting to say the right things. All ended well there...

The days since that revelation have been such a mixture of emotion. After the initial numbing shock wore off, the flood gates opened. I literally became a scene from a movie where the person in the shower yells out, then laughs to the point of heaving sobs. It was emotionally all down hill from there. My husband, who is not his father, was gone hunting for a few days. I didn't know how I was going to tell him or if I even should. It wasn’t my story to tell yet as my son has not come out officially, except to his room mates. I had just been experiencing several other sources of stress that were, at the time, manageable. This put me over the edge and I felt ashamed that it did. The night my husband came home, I tried life as usual. I did tell him. I needed to... I needed him. He was of course surprised but went along with my light attitude about it and the night went on as usual. Then the damn broke. I broke. I suddenly couldn’t distinguish my different stresses and it all came out in a major breakdown. Although I’m still crying intermittently and isolating myself to lick my wounds, I have at least made progress as to what I know my wounds really are.

I am NOT upset or disappointed in my son. I am thrilled for him. He can live his life as real as it can be and that is a wonderful thing for him! He is, and always be the same Jakerman I love and respect. I’m the one who has to change and accept that the movie reel that played in my head was just that.... a movie and not real. I had NO CLUE. I'm so disappointed in myself that I didn't see it, and that I could have helped him through his own confusion years ago. The guilt was, and still is heavy. I also had put a lot of pressure on him in my head to be the one child out of my three to fall within the bell curve. I've struggled with his two older sisters for completely different reasons, and in my head he was going to be the one that came away of my parenting struggles unscathed. Now, I know I didn’t cause any of their issues, or my son’s sexual preference, but my lifelong picture of Norman Rockwell completely died a few days ago and I’m grieving.

I know its ok to grieve, not the loss of my son, but the loss of what I thought I knew and believed and the fact that I completely missed the mark. I know I will figure this out in my own head and the process of grief will give way to something better, however I will still need support for those break through emotional times as well as the how to deal with the rest of my world now and after he decides to come fully out. I hope to find support in all of that here, along with supporting others down the road once my experience is a bit more ripened.

Thank you if you chose to read this whole saga. It felt good to spell it all out slowly in front of my own eyes.

JakersMom
Click to expand...

You sound like a great mother, very caring and understanding and accepting...lots of us wished we had parents like you.

My 20 year old son just came out to me and I feel....

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My 20 year old son just came out to me and I feel....

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