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When/how should I do it?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Orie9, Sep 24, 2017.

  1. Orie9

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    Hi all..

    So I really want to come out to my straight best friend, who happens to be a guy, like me. We pretty much think of ourselves as brothers because we're both only kids and have been really close for over a decade. For the record, I haven't come out to anyone at all in my friend/family circle. He would be the first person beyond my doctors/guys that I've hooked up with that knew I was gay. As a recent college grad, I'm probably also a little bit older than most people trying to seek advice here. That last bit is important because my best friend lives in a completely different city from myself now. He's in Cleveland, I'm in NYC. I'm probably going to see him next in January.

    Anyway, I guess my dilemma is if I should just get it over with and do it over the phone now, or wait until the next time I see him in person. The thing is, whenever we see each other in person, it's in his city (due to various reasons). His house. I'm worried about coming out to him when I pretty much need to stay at his place. What if he needs time to think about it without me around, or even has a negative reaction? Should I just do it over the phone so he has space and time away from me if he needs it? Or do it in person because he's my best friend in the whole world, and I want to come out to the people I care about in person?

    Thanks in advance :slight_smile:
     
    #1 Orie9, Sep 24, 2017
    Last edited: Sep 24, 2017
  2. I'm gay

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    I'm not sure how to handle the logistics of your meeting, and you raise pragmatic concerns about how to do this. I'm not sure, and it's something you'll need to figure out. I do recommend doing this in person. It's by far the best way to do it - and your best friend in the whole world needs to be there in person when you tell him. The other stuff, figure it out - I'm sure there's a way. Have a hotel room ready in case you need it, perhaps?

    I've come out to pretty much everyone I know, and the best of those were all in person.

    Take care. :gay_pride_flag:
     
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  3. Quantumreality

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    Hey Orie9,

    I generally agree with @I'm gay's advice, but I'm going to offer an alternative advice. I was in a somewhat similar situation with my best friend of over 20 years living a significant difference away from me when I was ready to Come Out to him. The logistics of getting together at that point seemed too complicated and I didn't really want to risk the awkwardness of staying in the same house for a couple of days if he had a problem with it. So, I decided to do the next best thing to Coming Out face-to-face and told him in a phone call. Even though it took me a long time to finally get the words out, he was immediately, unconditionally accepting.

    Certainly the ideal situation would be to tell him face-to-face and I definitely understand your concerns. I would tell you that if he is your best friend and has known you well for over a decade, the simple fact that you are gay is not likely to change anything between the two of you. The (very real, for you) fear of even the slightest possibility of losing him or causing a significant change in the dynamic of your friendship with him is most likely completely overblown in your mind.

    I think that if you tell him via phone, you can easily explain that you would have preferred to tell him face-to-face, but you were concerned about the potential awkwardness of staying at his house if you had any issues/problems with it, so you just wanted to get it out of the way before you made the trip to Cleveland in January.

    Whatever you decided to do, I wish you all the best!:slight_smile:
     
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  4. quebec

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    Orie9....Have you considered Facetime or Skype? That gives you pretty close to face-to-face and still allows him time to adjust without the pressure of you staying in his house the very night you come out to him. Think about it!....David
     
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  5. StarRunner

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    I think most definitely you want to tell him in person, face to face. Coming out is such a personal thing and such an important part of our lives, I can't imagine doing it by phone or any other way.

    Based on your description of your friendship, I think you'll be fine in telling him. From the description of your relationship with him, chances are that, by now, your friendship has endured some significant challenges throughout the years that you faced together, and this is indeed another one. Remember what you mean to eaxh other, because you coming out won't change that. He may need some time to think about, but when you think about it, as gay people, we all needed time to think about it and accept ourselves. So just tell him gently and let him know how hard this is for you. Tell him that he is one of the people in this world that you trust the most, which is why you chose him to share this information.

    Also, my feeling is that when friendships run as deep as yours, your friend may already strongly suspect what you are about to tell him and won't come as a complete surprise.
     
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  6. Orie9

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    So I know this thread is old but I just wanted to give an update to those of you that were kind and supporterive to answer my original post.

    I went to visit my friend in cleveland this past weekend and let it all out last night. Tried to do it Saturday, than Sunday, but finally got it out the last night I was there after dinner. It went amazingly. Before I was even done with my preprepared comments I’d been agonizing over for almost a year, he was telling me how happy he was for me and giving me a hug that left my tearing up with happiness.

    This is probably pretty cliche, but I only wish I’d done it sooner! Even if only by a few days on the same trip so it wasn’t just me coming out then leaving a few hours later. But we’ll see each other for a mutual friends wedding again in a few months anyway.

    Next step is telling a few other long time friends that I feel like I owe it to to tell myself which shouldn’t be nearly as hard as this first time, then I don’t rewlly care how people find out. And then my parents... which is going to be a whole nother challenge lol. But that’s for another time.

    Thanks again guys! I feel so much better about myself today than I did a mere day ago
     
    #6 Orie9, Jan 16, 2018
    Last edited: Jan 16, 2018
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  7. quebec

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    Orie9....Wow! I am so glad for you. :old_big_grin: I do try to look back at responses that I have made to other folks posts and today you made me very happy! I agonized for 45 minutes the first time I came out to someone. :old_confused: By the time I finally got the words out he was begging me to just say it....he knew by then what I was trying to say! He was so great in that he waited and let me say the words. He said afterwards (he accepted me totally) that he knew that it was important that I finally say the words myself. So happy for you and I know that having made it through this with your friend that it will get easier!
    .....David:gay_pride_flag:
     
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  8. I'm gay

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    Great job! I found that I agonized over coming out far more than anyone I came out to. Once you are out to several people, it becomes so much easier to do. Good luck with the rest of your friends and family!
     
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  9. OtherMe

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    Well done :slight_smile:
     
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  10. StarRunner

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    Oh, damn, I have tears in my eyes from reading your update. It's wonderful hearing how the things that scare us can turn into such life-affirming experiences. It also strengthens the bond you have with your friend and deepens your relationship with him. It took a lot of courage, but no doubt it was worth the journey.

    As for not coming out earlier, it's like any tough decision we make in our lives. We do it when we are ready. Look forward, not back.
     
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  11. Orie9

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    Thanks for the kind thoughts everyone :slight_smile:. Going to hopefully continue the process on Saturday with a friend that's a girl. Probably going to be a lot easier since she won't have to awkwardly wonder if I'm into her or not lol