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Need Encouragement

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by OtherMe, Jan 15, 2018.

  1. OtherMe

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    SOMEONE PLEASE ENCOURAGE ME. Right so basically just seen that I first posted on here 4 years ago and that’s made me mad depressed that still I haven’t come out. I’m going round to my mates in a few days and just really want to finally say something but the issue is I’m pretty sure he already knows (like there’s reasons why he definitely must know) and he’s quite passive a lot and obviously cause for me it’s a big deal I’m worried he like won’t care enough (which probably sounds strange but I want him to like understand how tough I’ve found it). I’ve been in his car a lot recently and wanted to like tell him but I just physically can’t like I stop breathing and my throat goes all dry and then I end up just doing a long sigh. I watched the movie Call me by your name the other night and it just made me so sad realising how shit being like this is. SOMEONE OLEASE ENCOURAGE ME TO SAY SOMETHING.
     
  2. mask1985

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    I came out to my friend as bi just the other day after years of keeping it to myself as a promise I made to my boyfriend of years ago. Although he was surprised he was absolutely fine about it and if your friend really is a good friend he will be the same. I found that writing about my early same sex experience helped me immensely as it crystallized all my thoughts about a particular period in my life. Maybe this might help you
     
  3. heyrita

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    You can do it, please do it once you are 100% ready, and avoid making a conclusion if possible for that might just stress you out. I am sure that they will understand you, just explain it well. We are all here to support you.
     
  4. Laughsalot

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    Practise saying it out loud beforehand. It might sound a bit daft, but someone once recommended it to me on here and honestly it does help!
     
  5. greatwhale

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    I always recommend the following: choose a place that is relatively discreet and a time when neither of you is rushed, then; say it: in the first few words of the very first sentence, just blurt it out all at once at the start of the conversation.

    Then let it sink in...just keep quiet and look that person in the eye, try to project confidence, even if you may not feel it, then answer the questions that will inevitably follow...

    Do take the advice given above by our other members and before you meet, practice saying the words physically when you are alone, but don' overdo it, just listen to the words you are saying and remember how it feels to say it.

    You'll be fine, even if there may be surprises, your friends are your friends for a reason!
     
    #5 greatwhale, Jan 15, 2018
    Last edited: Jan 15, 2018
  6. Orie9

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    I know exactly how you feel on a smaller scale. I’d been trying to come out to my best mate for the past year. We live far away now so every trip we made to see each other, I always really wanted to get it out but just couldn’t. Finally did it last night on the last day I was there visiting him this trip.

    Definitely agree with what others said, practice and do it somewhere where other people aren’t going to listen in and distract/worry you. Find something that makes it comfortable for you. For me that was starting by asking if he wouldn’t mind going for a walk around his neighborhood so I could tell him something right after we parked his car coming back from dinner. For you maybe it might be sitting down in your house, or somewhere. Personally I find walking to be a good way to have serious conversations like coming out because it gives you both some other distractions during a pause in the convo if needed instead of just staring at each other.

    I also found it helped me personally starting out with the whole “can we go on a walk so I can tell you something” part. Because it isn’t coming out in of itself, but it sort of marks the point of no return. Kind of like a stepping stone. I hope it all goes well! It did for me and I realized I wished I’d said it a whole lot sooner because of how accepting he was.
     
    #6 Orie9, Jan 16, 2018
    Last edited: Jan 16, 2018
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  7. OtherMe

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    Hi thanks for this, no disrespect to others but this really does sound like what I was looking for. My only worry is he’s been quite passive recently when I’ve said stuff or recommended stuff, saying like “cool” or “nice” or just straight up saying no if I’ve asked if he wanted to do something. My worry is if I ask about a walk he might just be like nah and that leaves me in a really awkward and shitty position cause then I will feel weird and will lose any confidence to tell him, then what if he goes to like another mate saying I was weird last night or something and said I wanted to go for a walk, idk I’m just worried. Also my worry is he won’t understand how big a deal it is for me, which may seem selfish cause I realise him not caring about my sexuality is great but it’s more like he wouldn’t care how hard it has been to come to terms and open up to him. So the lack of caring might hurt me a little like if I tell him and he’s just like “cool” then goes back to whatever he’s doing or something.
     
  8. OtherMe

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    Oh wait sorry greatwhale meant that for Orie9’s comment, still find your stuff useful I just like the walk idea aha
     
  9. OtherMe

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    Hi thanks for this, no disrespect to others but this really does sound like what I was looking for. My only worry is he’s been quite passive recently when I’ve said stuff or recommended stuff, saying like “cool” or “nice” or just straight up saying no if I’ve asked if he wanted to do something. My worry is if I ask about a walk he might just be like nah and that leaves me in a really awkward and shitty position cause then I will feel weird and will lose any confidence to tell him, then what if he goes to like another mate saying I was weird last night or something and said I wanted to go for a walk, idk I’m just worried. Also my worry is he won’tunderstand how big a deal it is for me, which may seem selfish cause I realise him not caring about my sexuality is great but it’s more like he wouldn’t care how hard it has been to come to terms andopen up to him. So the lack of caring might hurt me a little like if I tell him and he’s just like “cool” then goes back to whatever he’s doing or something.
     
  10. OtherMe

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    I’m with him now but I just don’t feel like I’m gonna do it
     
  11. OtherMe

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    We haven’t really talked today and like it’s only us in his house and we’re not talking. He told me awhile ago he thinks I bring a negative vibe to things. I don’t say anything but neither does he but it’s not like awkward it’s just like neither of us want to talk yet I really want to just wait for him to say something cause whenever I say something he just give one word responses often idk maybe there’s no one I can really tell but I feel like I should tell him cause Weber been friends for so long
     
  12. OtherMe

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    Like we literally sat in the car and said nothing, then walked into his house and he just went on his laptop and put his headphones in idk fuck this i guess
     
  13. Incredibull

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    Hey man, I came out at 20 yrs old and I had the same feeling... my first friend I came out to I just kind of kept it in the back of my mind until he gave me the biggest opening, "so man, hows the sex life?" hahaha.... But I have driven my sister for 2 hours collecting random supplies at CVS's until I finally told her. IDK if you can expect someone to care that much, in my opinion being bi is only a bit of what I am. I only wanted my friends to treat me as the same person. It is the most difficult thing to do to just come out and say it and the first 5 ppl I told was the same exact feeling. However, it is very liberating and something you owe yourself. Even if it is just randomly burst out in a quiet car, if he is a good friend he wont mind at all... may have questions... but in a couple weeks you two should be cool again... if not, then it is for the better anyway. Be yourself man! Hope you come out soon.
     
  14. Orie9

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    Don't worry, hang in there! When he says theres a negative vibe he may just be picking up that youre a little solemn, without realizing its because you really need to say something important. After I came out to my friend Monday, he later made a comment along the lines of "yea I could tell something was up, you seemed really quiet all day."

    Like @Incredibull said, just gotta try to wait, or if that doesn't work, create that opening. I tried to tell my friend on five separate days over two trips 4 months apart and finally got it out the last day I was visiting him. Like I said earlier, for me, creating that opening was just saying "Hey, question, can we go for a little walk? There's something I really want to talk about with you." It got him to realize I had to say something important, so he was willing to come with me, while I could then get it all out. Of course, the whole walking thing is just personal preference, but anything comfortable for you works too. Like sitting down somewhere, or saying it during some sort of activity you both like.