So Im a thirteen year old male who is confused about my sexuality. I have had relationships with the female gender but none of them lead anywhere.... nowhere... I was always getting dumped. Maybe it was me taking it to slow or they didn't know who I really was. Or it was them. Either way my relationships with females don't usually end well. I know for fact I'm not strait. Right now I'm not sure if one of my friends who was previously my "girlfriend" who moved schools still thinks were in a relationship. Because if we weren't I would talk to her about my sexuality. And if we were still in a "relationship" I would still have to talk to her about it. Since she's moved I only contact her through text... I tried to call her no reply. My other friends a grade ahead of me and I don't know how they would feel about me being gay or bi. I have a friend thats a guy but hes is so Christian it's not even funny so I would probably be frowned upon if I told him about me being gay or bi. My family consist of a somewhat christian mother, a hypocritical non-religious dad, dads nieve girlfriend, moms very tuff and mechanicy boyfriend, a straight video game playing brother in his late twenties, a somewhat bi sister, and my sister who always jokes about her being a lesbian nun which I believe she truly is. And then there is my dad's family he had two gay siblings; a female and a male. The male let's call him Steven passed away about 11 years ago so I can't remember him, but my aunt who is a lesbian but not very open about it (her gayness) she is a very uplifting women who I plan to stay with her over the summer. I have plans to move in with her once I reach high school so I can perform at very good high school where she lives also this community is very open minded on gay and bi relationships. Over the past few months/weeks I have been asking myself if I'm gay.... I knew scratch that know I kind of am. I want to come out because I think it would be nice to have a relationship. But I don't want to disappoint or have my friends/family mad or disapproving please help!!!! What should I do should I wait or should I come out?
Oh also I'm not very enthusiastic about a therapist or counselor (I had a bad experience last year with one).
Chartmann2....Hi and welcome to empty closets! OK there are several things here to talk about. First since you are 13 a lot of adults aren't going to believe you. They'll say it's a phase or you can't know when you're that young. Which might be true, but usually just turns out to be a lot of BS because they don't want to believe you. I knew by 10 that I was not like the other guys although I was a little naive and didn't know for sure what that meant until I was 14-15. It sounds to me like you are a little unsure yourself about being bi or gay, which honestly, is not unusual at all. So here we go with some thoughts from me to you! 1) There is no hurry to decide exactly what your sexuality is. While some folks know pretty early, others don't really feel completely sure until late teens, sometimes later than that. 2) Trying to rush the decision about your sexuality so that you can have a relationship is just not a good idea in so many ways. It can lead to some serious heartbreak with you and a B/G friend. It can cause even more confusion for you if, for example you choose gay and then discover that you have way more feelings for girls than the guy you might be dating. You are probably in the beginning to middle of that wonderful process called puberty, which can really suck at times. So getting into a rush about any of this is not the best choice! 3) You've described your parents but didn't say anything about your relationship with them. That is really, really important. Thinking about how they would react to you coming out is pretty important. Again, this is another situation where getting into a rush may not be a good idea. As I said earlier, many adults just don't believe younger folks when they come out. So, how do you think they would react? If there is ANY chance that their reaction would put you in danger, then waiting is a good idea. What I mean is...will you be punished, phone taken away, access to computer and/or internet restricted, not be able to see friends, made to feel like you are less than a respected person/family member? Some younger LGBT guys/girls have even been sent away to "Camps" to "help" them be straight. That is terrible, doesn't work and makes things worse. I am NOT trying to scare you at all....just want you to think through what results coming out will cause. Hey...in your next post how about telling us here on empty closets a little more about how you and your parents get along? That might help us make better suggestions! 4) Staying with your aunt might turn out to be a good idea, but how do you think your folks feel about it? Would coming out to them and then wanting to stay with a lesbian aunt make them want to say NO? You said "perform" at the new school...did that mean you're into the Arts (Music , drama , etc.). Not really that important, but I am a musician and I just wondered! 5)I have another suggestion for you...I see that you and Naters2000 have exchanged posts once. Nate is a guy who has impressed me a lot with how clear thinking and knowledgeable he is. You and he are the same age...so is he someone that you might become long-distance friends with? Someone who you could talk to and even help each other? I'll post a message on his Profile and suggest it to him...why don't you post a message to him too? Just post on his Profile page as you can't send PM's until you are a Full Member. OK, I have gone on long enough! I hope all of this helps some...don't forget that empty closets is here for you. We will help you out in any way that we can. Keep us updated. I know that my life would have been a lot different if I had had a place like EC to go to when I was 13...I want that for you too! Hey....YOU BE YOU!! ....David
Thanks David, for the kind words. Okay, so just to get a feel for it, I’d come out to someone you feel really comfortable with. The first one is pretty tough, but it’s so nice to come out to someone. After that, it will get much easier. As for your parents, I’d wait. Mine didn’t believe me, but they failed considering how much thought goes into coming out to someone. If it may put you in any danger, please, don’t come out until you are financially independent of your parents. Post whatever you feel like on my wall, it’s nice to get what you need out there. Yours, Nate
Thank you both David and Nate it's really nice to know others have been through the same thing.... It's just all my friends would most likely disapprove I'm also from a small school so if I did open up later on it would be hard not to be bombarded with questions and people calling me a hag or something of that nature… But I feel I need to share my bi/gay ideas with someone most likely a friend who lives out of state… (I only have one of those) but yeah thanks…. -Chartmann2
Okay! That’s rough, but it’s totally workable. You could ask one of your friends what their opinion is of gay people, because you have a friend who needs help, or something like that. But, you’d be surprised. The majority of the people I’ve told have been so very loving and accepting. Plus, you live in California, a very progressive society. It will be all good, I’ve been there, and I’m a much happier person now that I can be myself. Best of luck to you, my friend. Sincerely, Nate (It’s really nice to talk to someone my age that I can relate to)
So let me add my welcome greetings I also want to back up a bit. You indicated that your relationships with girls haven't gone much of anywhere but you haven't really said what makes you think you are gay. Simply havin a. I yoke of bad relationships with girls does t mean you are gay. What's more important is who you are actually sexually aroused by. When you masturbate (without porn) what. Are you thinking about? Guys or girls? When you are wandering around somewhere (street, mall, school, etc) where do your eyes wander? Guys or girls? These are your most reliable indicators. If you are comfortable talking about that we will be able to offer clearer guidance.
I am very sexually aroused by males and the idea of gay kissing, love making, ectra and when I think about women... it just is not there.... but I'm very young but I belive I see a future for a man and me
I might have just kind off came out of the closet to my friends... I know I’m young and new to the idea of me being gay/bi/queer but it just slipped out…. I was texting her then I asked her “How do you feel about gay people” she said “I’ve only meet two but there both nice” then she asked ‘Why” I was going to say “Um… for my writing” (me and her both love writing she is past her 50 page mark without any formatting) but my fingers just punched in “Because Im rethinking my sexuality” I was scared what did I just do…. She’s going to hate me Im so stupid why did I say anything? Then she replies “Okay so how are you feeling, I promise not to tell anyone” we talk for about an hour she said that she “100% supports me” she also asked me “What sexuality do you identify with?” then I said “umm… I might be gay or queer… I think” She also asked me “When did you first find men attractive?” I told her when “When I went to Vancouver to the gay pride festival” (Now I’m super nervous) she agrees with me that I should keep quiet for now because if I told anyone, everyone should know at school. And that I should wait to highschool to come out and start “experimenting” with how I feel about men/males. But she still doesn't know that I’m probably going to a different high school in a whole different town about 90 miles away. But now I ask her about how she feels about me telling my other friends the Christian one and the ones a grade ahead of me and she said wait…. She's straight so I don’t know if I should come out or wait Im leaning to wait.
Chartmann2, as you get older you will find that people who don't support you are not worth having around you, that being said, I would wait for a could of years before starting to come out. Your age sucks enough with out the added pressure of dealing with others the same age that may not understand what you are going through. take care Dean
Well... I'd say that's pretty clear, and in spite of being young, it's unlikely to change. And as uncomfortable as it was, coming out to the one friend will probably be helpful... assuming she can be trusted to tell **no one**. The problem with telling anyone in middle school is that tends to be really juicy gossip that's hard to keep under wraps, and often, even the most trustworthy people will tell "just one person" who they swear to silence... and then pretty soon everyone knows. So I'd just reiterate the importance of keeping it to herself with her. As for waiting for high school... I don't think hooking up sexually at an early age is the best idea. While it may sound enticing, taking your time and waiting for your later teens is probably a good idea.
Me too, and I’m 100% gay. I hope this gives you some direction, and your age is irrelevant. I started having gay thoughts in first grade, and only in 2016 did I register what they meant. I know I already wrote you a long thing, but still, nice job coming out.
Hey.....Chartmann2 & Nate... So glad you two are talking! Keep it up. I think you will be great support for each other. And........Keep a look out here on empty closets for others in your age-range who are also discovering that they might not be as straight as the rest of their friends. They will need support and I think that the two of you, as you work through your own challenges, will be able to lend a hand to them. Receiving help when you are confused is so important, but being able to give that help and support will teach you so much more about yourself!!! .....David
Thanks David! If I can lend a hand some someone, I will. This is such a tough thing to go through, and I like other people to know that I’m there for them and so are a myriad of people. And I feel like we can make a big impact this way, letting people know that they’re not alone in this whole mess.
I am not a male, but I am gay and I know how you feel. The biggest thing I've learned is to just trust yourself. Know that everything will fall into place, it just takes time. This took me a while to understand, but once I did, it made me a much happier person. There are people out there who will support you and you will find those people, I promise. For now, just believe in yourself, trust your instincts, and believe in what the future holds.
