I'm an early 20s gay male. I have never successfully pursued interest in another guy, either on apps or in real life. I'm terrified of rejection. Every relationship or hookup has been started by the other guy. I feel my dependence on being someone else's choice is holding me back. My friends consider me to be funny, quirky and fun to be around but they say that when I'm in the company of a gay/bi guy I become really awkward. My fear of rejection also leads me to read too much into situations and burn bridges. A recent example, I was chatting to a nice guy online for ages and agreed to travel 40 minutes across the big city I'm in to meet him at a bar. We got on great, he invited me back to his place and we watched a Netflix series in his bed. It got to 11pm and he said he was tired, I asked if I should leave and he said he had work at 8 and would appreciate it. I left. I immediately came to the conclusion he wasn't interested or wouldn't have asked me to travel 40 minutes home that late at night. I got home and saw he was online. I was upset he hadn't messaged to ask if I got home safe and... just blocked him. Part of me felt empowered, that he couldn't reject me if I blocked him but I regret doing it now. I know that any chance of seeing him again is now gone. How do I learn how to stop taking everything so personally? I want to approach someone successfully. I want to be able to handle my date getting up for work without taking it as a rejection. Thank you in advance.
What do you mean, exactly, when you say "never successfully pursued interest"? Do you mean you haven't asked someone out and gotten a yes? Do you mean that you haven't asked someone out and had it turn into a relationship? Perhaps one thing to do might be to reconsider your definition of "success." To some, simply asking someone out, regardless of their answer, is a success - after all, deciding to ask them out and then doing it is the only part of that process under your own power. Why define your own success by someone else's thoughts and actions? Also, do you know many gay people outside of online dating? If not, I would recommend getting to know some for the purposes of being friends. Maybe you could get to know people at a venue other than a bar, or find a place to volunteer for LGBT charitable causes. The more you know people when the pressure of dating isn't a factor, the more comfortable you may feel around them.
I'm shy too and any relationship I have had has always been initiated by the other person. However I think if you can overcome this you need to be prepared to be rejected more than you might be accepted ie if you ask say 10 guys out be prepared for 9 to turn you down - it happens to everyone so don't feel alone.
Have you got any idea where this fear of rejection comes from? Often people close up like you are doing because they're scared of being rejected AGAIN. It's usually caused by an experience of rejection. Not with everyone though, with me it's not either. Because I had/have the same problem, I digged very deep into my own fear. How it works (with me): "If I don't let you close to me you won't be able to hurt me." This fear of mine jumps on every little thing and is very paranoid about things like texts or like your example with that guy. It's difficult to fight, but what you should do is try not to listen to that voice. Try not to listen to that little voice telling you to block him. Be aware of it, but don't listen to it. Because truth is that that little voice is completely insane. It only talks crap, but can be very persuasive. Changing the way you think is very difficult. Your mind will want to cling to that self defence system you have made for yourself called "If I don't let you close to me you won't be able to hurt me." Fight it, is the only thing I can tell you. If you're scared of coming close to someone, get closer. If you're scared to ask someone out, ask him out and ditch that little voice. I call it the fuck everything and everyone technique. Next time you're scared of something you KNOW is ridiculous, don't listen to that voice. I've even created a persona for the voice, to detach it from myself. He's called Wormz and he has curly hair. I'm not saying you should do this, it's just how I deal with it and I can tell you that in just one year, this technique and way of thinking has changed everything for me. Yes, in a good way.
First I want you to know that I have a very low opinion of myself, and I think that's what jerks use to manipulate me. But my experience with guys are similar. Just know you are not alone, and it is just a bad experience. I have been working on myself confidence, and I encourage you to do the same. "I'm cute, and any guy would be lucky to have me!" keep repeating it till it get stuck into your head is a start. Also I been taught to avoid bars, and online. I should of listen, because I can tell a lot about a person who dances. So going to clubs, and bars that's where you have to put up them boundaries. Online you have to be especially be careful. Because jerks they love to scope out easy pray which are people with low self confidence, people who don't know what they actually want, etc. If you are wanted a relationship shoot for it. Ask the guy out and don't put out unless you are ready. One more thing I learned this recently. What would happen if he was waiting for you to look for "him". Go out and be safe and find "Him" Because trust me he will be worth those heartbreak's and times more. ~ I Believe in you!
