Hi, I know that I am the only one that can tell really, but sometimes it is good to get things out there and hear what others think. I am 26 years old and have been out as gay for abou 1 year, to family and friends. (And whoever asks) However I am not sure if I am actually gay, or bi or maybe something in between. The reason is simply because I feel sexually attracted to women in some way. My dreams are always about women and watching porn it is all about women. When I started watching porn it was lesbian, because I had an idea that I was going to fix myself. Gay porn still does nothing for me. I experimented with a couple of friends when I was younger (from I was 11 to 13 years maybe) in a way that we would take off our clothes and play. It was always 1 on 1, so it was with different friends. This turned me on at the time, but I wasnt at a point yet where I had considered being gay or straight. I somehow felt though that there was something "wrong" with being together with a girl at the same age. I then had kind of a breakdown mentally. About at the same age. An anxiety attack at night before bedtime, where I told my parents to help me, as I felt that I was losing my mind. After this I got a kind of OCD that I had to confess everything that I did or thought that could be wrong. So I told them all about what I had done with my friends, and everything else that went on in my head. Luckily my parents are the best, so they were understanding and loving all the way. Even though, I said that I was not gay. I didnt want to be either at the time. When I was about 15 I "fell in love" with a guy in my football (soccer) team. We were driving quite a distance to a match, and we sat next to each other in the car. We talked about everything and on the way back from the match we thought the same thought about locking the car so that another teammate couldnt get into the car. Our hands touched as we hit the button. I obsessed about him all te way since. Never told him, and he has been in relationsships with several women, so he is straight I think. (Even though we kissed one time like 7 years after this incident) WOW, now I am drifting. After this I think I started to deny to myself the fact that I was gay. I have only ever had sex with women, and that works fine physically, but there is never a connection beyond tha, so its just one night-stands. Somehow I feel that my emotional connection is towards guys, but my sexual connection is towards girls. I do get aroused by guys that I know, and that I like the looks of, but very rarely strangers. When I am in public I crush on guys, but I notice girls too. Last year I was again feeling somewhat of an anxiety attack, but better controlled this time. I felt that I had to tell my family that I was gay, and that I couldnt go through my life without admitting it. So, I am a 26-year old male, out as gay wondering if I am really bi or in denial. I am also sorry for the long post, but my fingers and brain just connected and wouldnt stop. It could actually have been longer. Anyone experienced something similar?
Anyone? I know there is no research suggesting different sexual and romantical attraction, so most likely its bisexuality or just not being able to fully accept the situation. Would be interesting to hear from others that have experienced something similar, at least remotely.
To me it sounds like you are bi. I have more of an emotional connection with guys but more sexual experience with girls although at the moment I am quite biased towards guys so things can fluctuate.
This is pretty much how I am feeling as well. I notice guys more I think, but have been with more girls. Some days it might be guys and the next day, not so much.
I think it will be clear with time. Give yourself time. Be open to whatever the outcome would be. The truth that exists at your core will come out if you allow it to. Personally I place importance on emotional connection. Having sex with someone you have an emotional connection is different. But then that is just me. Hopefully others in EC will help you out too. Porn is not a relable indicator.
Thank you for responding, and for the advise. I also think that I put most importance in the emotional connection. I dont think it would be possible to build a long term relationship without it.
I might lean more in the direction of gay, for the simple reason that it sounds like that's where the real attraction lies. Unless I'm misreading you, it sounds like the attraction to guys is stronger than girls, so it may be that the attraction and hookups with girls were more about wanting to "fit in" and be hetero than in actually following your heart. If OCD-like symptoms are still playing into this, you'll need to get that under control before you can get a clear picture of where your attractions lie, because the OCD really messes with what you're thinking and feeling.
Thank you for input. No doubt that ny attraction is stronger towards guys, at least the emotional connection. I rarely see a random guy and think: «I want to have sex with him» but I think that is more because I want to know people a bit more closely at first. When it comes to the OCD, I do not think I suffer from it to be honest. I am comfortable being gay, but some days I get confused and want to know my exact lable. As mentioned in OP I have experienced some OCD issues earlier, but not related to this. I dont know if that makes it likely to experience it later in life as well.
