ok, it may sound weird but I seriously think I’m suffering with HOCD (ps I hate the name). Im 21 and totally accept that sexuality is fluid and I could fall in love with a girl, but it has not happened (yet?), I have only crushes on 2 guys and it crushed my soul when they rejected me. But there is this driving force in me saying that I’m gay, and it causes really deep anxiety and depression, I constantly just tell myself I’m gay so the anxiety eases and force myself not look at men, I constantly watch gay YouTubers and do quizzes, and read articles about coming out and realisations, and I even told my sister that I may be gay, the only driving force that pushes it, is the fact that I have mainly enjoyed lesbian porn among others since like 11/12 and have lesbian dreams and thought nothing of it, until I started questioning/obsessing 5 years ago. I would kiss guys in nightclubs and check if I get turned on, i have also kissed girls and checked and not really feel anything. I’d have a sex dream about a guy/girl and check in the morning if I got wet. Constantly questioning myself/ if my crushes were genuine, if I deserve to be loved, or if I’m in denial. I feel I should just experiment and date a girl, yet I hate hook up culture, and can’t find someone sexually attractive until I develop feelings. The idea of having sex with a woman doesn’t disgust me I just feel ‘meh’. I think it’s the porn. What causes the most anxiety is the idea that I am lying to myself, or I don’t know who I am and the idea of being in a realtionship/ marrying a man and then realising I’m gay, crushes me. I’ve never really imagined a relationship with anyone but a guy who is my best friend. The idea of breaking a guys heart hurts makes me so scared. I try to just imagine myself with a woman as it relieves the anxiety, but I don’t feel anything when imagining it, i just feel ´meh’, it may sound bad but the idea of breaking a girls heart does nothing for me, another meh feeling. I don’t feel bad just meh, and the anxiety is telling me it’s internalised homophobia. I just feel like a horrible person. I just want to be 100% gay so the knots in my stomach stop, and I can move on with my life. The idea of staying single eases the anxiety a lot too, but the the thought comes back and it feels like a hell, like the feeling to get when you are being forced to go on a rollercoaster and you don’t want to. Is this just severe denial or am I just going insane.
I'm a straight guy and I've had OCD for a long time and only recently, has it started to fuck with my sexuality. I'm not a fan of the name either. It's just OCD. You can use term "HOCD" to specify a certain fear that you have though but it's not it's own standalone experience. For me, it's more bisexuality rather than homosexuality. I only crush on women and men do literally nothing for me. I haven't really had any sort of sexual and romantic experience (Other OCD obsessions are to blame for that). The idea of sex with a guy is "meh" for me and the idea of sex with a girl is "Uhh. Fuck yes" Men don't attract me in any way, whether it be emotional, sexual, or physical. Before, I was grossed out by gay male porn but now, I alternate between "Meh" to "Ew". I think the main thing to do is just accept the presence of the thoughts and eventually stop feeling anxiety over them. I was getting to that point and then, it popped back for me.
As someone who has chronic anxiety and believe there is, it mainly fear based and has nothing to do with actual sexual orientation. Many gay people have HOCD about being straight, many cis- gender people have ocd about being trans
No they do not. They go online and look at what people say they have and then they self diagnose. It’s like medical student syndrome. Hocd, as a stand-alone disorder, does not exist. Good try though.
Hi ulm, Sorry to hear things are difficult for you. It sounds like an identity crisis about who you are and what you want. Do you mind if I ask how old you are? I ask only because if you are in your teens or early 20's then you may still every conscious of how other perceive you which would exacerbate the stress you are feeling. Have you sought professional help at all? CBT might be a good way to help you control your thinking and to minimise the impact of doubtful thoughts. I would suggest that if you want experiment then maybe find a local LGBTQ group who you can spend time with and see how it goes? (I don't know what your situation is regarding freedom to do that.) More importantly, sexual orientation is not just about sexual attraction but also about emotional and romantic attachment. So porn and wet dreams are not the best indicator. Crushes are not necessarily reliable either although probably a better one. What you probably would need to figure out is whether you could spend a life with a man or a woman or both.(Don't rule out being attracted to both.) Having said that this is not something that can easily be resolved and most of us spend a long time questioning and doubting ourselves. It would seem that you maybe should focus on trying to control your thinking as a short term goal and see determining your sexuality as a longer term thing. @Johnny Gee Whether it exists or not is beside the point for this thread. Helping someone figure things it is more important than a puerile argument about whether HOCD exists as a recognised condition or not, or should be treated as a manifestation of another condition. The feelings and experiences are what we should be focused on.
I I’m sorry but you are coming across pretty rude, I am just asking for help, but thanks for your response.
Thanks for the response I am going to see a therapist in the next two weeks, and it’s not the fear of being gay, No one gives a shit in my environment,I fully accept that I can fall in love with anyone of any gender and it would be cool with the people around me, I t’s an anxiety rooted that I may be lying to myself, and hurting someone in the future (Male/ female/ whatever) and realising I’m straight or gay, I also have other anxieties in different areas which I don’t want to share, which cause depression, and in the past 6 months I have been counting to 7 just to relieve the anxiety, thanks for your advice, but therapy would just be a better place to ask for advice I just wanted others opinions
You have a horrible history with this stuff, you specifically made a thread in the past about HOCD where you said you wanted those who feel they suffer from OCD relating to their sexuality to feel horrible and kill themselves. I acknowledge that I didn't leave the cleanest of responses in your thread and did use very harsh words then but even so, you've shown in that thread that you have absolutely no desire to help and instead only wish harm on anybody who says that they think they're suffering from OCD relating to sexuality. If you're only going to do the same here, please stop.
@ulm I see. That's cool - I thought you might be looking to work out some plan or something. I think you are right that therapy would be the best place to ask for that kind of stuff. So I think I was pretty clear on what I think about OCD or HOCD. As for hurting someone in the future - well that can happen whenever you get into a relationship. You might start something and find that you don't like them as much as you thought and that may have nothing to do with sexuality. You can't really avoid it at some point when you are trying to develop a relationship. I don't know if that helps but it is a part of dating.
