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MTF coming out scares and “passing” and my anxiety and depression

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by Jessica090, Jan 7, 2018.

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  1. Jessica090

    Jessica090
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    I am a closeted mtf trans. I’ve felt like this since I was about 9 and I am now 15. I don’t want it to be too late to get on hormone blockers. I’m too scared to come out. I know my mom will take it well because there is a few lgbtq people on her side of the family. I know my dad won’t though. He already hates me enough, we have a horrible relationship and if I tell him I’m trans I don’t know what he’ll do. I’m lost and I don’t know if I should come out or not but I don’t want it to be to late. I have no self worth as is I’m 6’2” and I wear size 16 shoe and I feel like I’ll never “pass” I’ve attempted suicide and I’ve been diagnosed with depression and anxiety and none of my family members know why. I’ve never come out to anyone and I have no friends at school so I can’t trust them with the secret. My school itself is very liberal and pro-lgbtq such as the bathroom situation so I’m tempted to tell my consuler. Anyway my mom might be on to something anyway because she tried to hint at wether I was gay or not (which I am as well) but I’m just too scared and I’m lost. Also my boy name was Jake but I’ve had a girl name picked out for 3 years. I have thought about Jessica or Jade but I’ve decided on Jessica with Jessie for short cause I always thought it was a cute name. Also my only friend at my school is gay and he’s popular but I’m not sexually attracted to him and we’ve been friends for 10 years but if I tell him he’ll tell everyone at school.Someone please help me
    I just feel like I can’t “pass” and that transitioning will be a mistake but it’s truly what I want to be, but no one has ever cared for my feelings so maybe I’m worthless and a waste of space
     
    #1 Jessica090, Jan 7, 2018
    Last edited: Jan 7, 2018
  2. Harjus

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    Hi Jessica!

    Could you write a letter to your mom or talk to her individually? Could you tell your counselor at school and also talk about the situation with your dad? I mean if you are afraid of your physical safety etc. you have to think about that too. They could have some ideas. Your school sounds ok.

    Coming out is really scary. I was ten years older than you are when I came out and I was still very scared. You can't avoid being scared. It seems like this is affecting your mental health a lot so it would be better to talk about it. Try your mom and that counselor first. Think about your friends later. Take this step by step. You have already taken few steps. Now it sounds like you need to tell somebody.

    There are plenty of tall girls with big feet. Passing is difficult for most transpeople for some time. It's going to be tough but your height or foot size won't make it impossible.

    You are not a waste of space! You are not worthless. You are just in a very sad situation right now and when you are there it takes lot to just survive. You have a low self-esteem and your mind can tell you that you are worthless but it's not true. These voices in your head are vicious but they lie a lot. It's hard to prove yourself that you are worth something. It can be harder than proving it to others. Some day you will be an adult and have a different kind of life. You are worth fighting for and taking these steps towards what you need no matter how scary it is.

    Believe it or not, there are people who will respect you and accept you even if it doesn't always feel like that.

    I don't know anything about how things work in US but if you could find support groups or anything like that it could be helpful. Stay safe!
     
    #2 Harjus, Jan 7, 2018
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  3. Jessica090

    Jessica090
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    Thank you Harjus! Your kind words help me more than you think because I have no one else to talk to. Also getting called the name I want feels great! Yes my school has a support group and club for LGBTQ and allies! I’m not worried about physical more like being kicked out or sent to some conversion thing. My mom is stay at home so it’s not hard to talk to her individually but knowing her she’ll go tell my dad.
     
    #3 Jessica090, Jan 7, 2018
  4. Jessica090

    Jessica090
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    Also I go Back to school on Tuesday so I’ll consider talking to the consuler this week
     
    #4 Jessica090, Jan 7, 2018
  5. Jessica090

    Jessica090
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    Update- I came out to my mom! She was upset at first, not to tears but she said she knew I was gay at least, she said we’ll take everything slow for now which I agree. She will not use pronouns and name if my dad is home to keep it secret but when he’s gone she will. She was pretty estatic about me doing makeup nails and mall shopping and making outfits and girly stuff so that’s great. She’s going to come with me to school Tuesday morning and we’ll go talk to the consuler. I think me and my mom have bonded and we will more in the future. Funniest part of it all was that the other day I said she tried to hint at me being gay that she said she could tell on my face I was lying when I said no. lol anyway thank you so much you’ve made a day where I’m gonna be honest I was about to cut myself this morning but then you responded... I feel like my life is just gonna get better from here. And get this the website I have to special order shoes from offer women’s which is great it sounds like tommorow she’s gonna let me buy women’s clothes for around home! My dad is gone for days at a time so he won’t know. And I’ve been inconspicuously growing my hair out saying it’s because I like heavy metal(which i do) and she was hesitenet before and was gonna make get a haircut next weekend but I asked her and she said “of course I’m not gonna make u cut ur hair now your my DAUGHTER” and omg I started crying to be called that. Anyway thank you I feel like my life is on the up and up and your part of it. I won’t forget you. I will message you if anything else happens.

    #trans #pride
    -Sincerely I Thank you
    Jessie
     
    #5 Jessica090, Jan 7, 2018
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  6. Jessica090

    Jessica090
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    Don’t you just wish that mtf and ftm people could just switch bodies that would be wonderful cause then everyone would be happy. I’m gonna say it now I WILL figure a way to switch conciseness between people!
    I’ll be some top doctor lol I wish!
     
    #6 Jessica090, Jan 7, 2018
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  7. Hanyauku

    Hanyauku
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    Hi, Jessie! I just wanted to say congratulations on coming out! I started reading your post and got super worried because you seemed to be in a rough situation, but then you talked to your mom and she called you her daughter and I was honestly about to start crying (I cry easily!) because that it is so sweet and amazing. It's refreshing to hear a positive trans coming out story. Like you, I've struggled a lot with depression as a result of hiding who I am, but my New Year's resolution is to come out. And I'm finally in a position were I can make that a reality. Hearing a coming out story that actually goes well gives me hope, not just for me, but for all of our trans family. So, good luck on your journey! Not all days will be as great as this one, but stay strong and be true to yourself. I hope it all works out!! :slight_smile:

    P.S. Don't worry about being tall! A lot of the girls in my family are six feet or taller. You don't have to be 5'5 to pass!
     
    #7 Hanyauku, Jan 7, 2018
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  8. Jessica090

    Jessica090
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    Thank you! It was my New Years resolution too! I feel better after telling someone so good luck in your future endeavors!
     
    #8 Jessica090, Jan 7, 2018
  9. AbsoluteNerd

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    Ohmygod jessie, your story here is so inspiring! When I started reading your original post, I was honestly getting super worried, but then things took a complete 180 and I am so happy that things worked out for you!! The beginning of your journey gives me hope that my rough path will smooth out as I continue to walk! Here's hoping the rest of your path will be just as smooth!
    -Christine
    (Side note, you said you like metal. Any favorites?)
     
    #9 AbsoluteNerd, Jan 7, 2018
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  10. Jessica090

    Jessica090
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    Thank you Christine! Good luck getting through the rough patches of your transition!
    My top 10 are

    Pantera Motörhead Metallica Korn SOAD Black Sabbath/Ozzy A7x Rings of Saturn Slipknot Infant annihilator

    I also like classic rock and grunge like
    Beatles Jimi Hendrix queen the kinks the animals

    Nirvana stp soundgarden temple of the dog Pearl Jam Alice In Chains

    Those are in no particular order just as they came to my mind
     
    #10 Jessica090, Jan 7, 2018
  11. Harjus

    Harjus
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    I feel so happy for you! Congratulations! I am so glad your mom took it so well. It's so great that she will also come to your school to talk. I am sure that took a lot of courage from you but you did it. :slight_smile: Have fun with all that girl stuff!

    I am sure your life will get better. There might be bad moments but at it the end you got to do what you got to do. And now you have more support.

    Try to seek help for cutting and self harm too if you can and if you feel like you can't stop. I have been there too. Show mercy, acceptance and love to yourself. Treat yourself like you would treat somebody you really care about. You can be broud of yourself.

    Feel free to seek support and help from this site or me. :slight_smile:
     
    #11 Harjus, Jan 8, 2018
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  12. Jessica090

    Jessica090
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    Thank you again Harjus! I’ve been to consuling things before for th self harm but I couldn’t stand being in them so I got out. At the point in my life now after coming out to someone I have no reason for self harm. Believe me I feel much better then I did yesterday. I’ll keep you updated with anything that happens with school and family on this thread.
     
    #12 Jessica090, Jan 8, 2018
  13. onlyhuman33

    onlyhuman33
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    Jessie,

    I'm so happy for you!!! I also agree totally with what Hanyauku said. This is a great victory in your journey of self fulfillment. There will be, however, some really tough times ahead. But you have your mother in your corner, and when you have someone who loves you so much, they can help you through the tough times. It's crazy to think about, but eventually, it will stop being a thing. You will find that you are just living your life as the most true, and authentic you. You'll have a lot of people that will accept you, and there will be some people that won't, but as long as you stay positive, and focused, the negativity will eventually just become insignificant background noise. Listen to the people that love you and support you. Jessie, your story is truly inspirational. It will help a lot of people that come on here for the first time feeling just as lost, isolated, depressed, and confused as you did when you posted your story. They now have a story that can give them courage and hope. Please, remember that when you are feeling your own self-doubt, depression, and anxiety. Remember that you have impacted others in such a positive way. I hope that thought evokes lucidity and serenity in your times of need. Knowing that you helped others, can sometimes help you.

    Anyways, congratulations again!!! Good luck, and be well!!
     
    #13 onlyhuman33, Jan 8, 2018
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  14. AlexJames

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    congrats on coming out jessie! thats so awesome that your mom accepts you!!
     
    #14 AlexJames, Jan 8, 2018
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  15. Jessica090

    Jessica090
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    Thank you Alex James everything with it is going good so far I got to order my clothes for home
     
    #15 Jessica090, Jan 8, 2018
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  16. Jessica090

    Jessica090
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    Thank you onlyhuman, like you say I hope my whole transition goes well so I can speak and inspire trans youth or people questioning their gender identity. I want my story to be herd in the sense of hope.
     
    #16 Jessica090, Jan 9, 2018
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