In addition to mourning the fact that i will never be completely me down there, i'm also wrestling with the fact that i never got to just be a boy as a kid. I got to be a tomboy to a point, but i was still dressed up in frills and pinks every occassion possible. The farthest my parents went was letting me buy books and toys for my interests of childhood - the lion king, dinosaurs, animals, and space. I redecorated my room a bit - changed curtains and bedding, bought 2 decor pieces. But it still feels like its lacking. There's some really detailed little cars in the toy's section i'd like to buy one or two of cause they look cool, but every time i got back there there's just one left. They sell out quick, i guess. I just don't know what to do about it. Living vicariously through movies and fanfiction only go so far.
I've been struggling with this ever since I realised I was trans, and I still feel this way honestly. Luckily I didn't have gender roles strictly enforced on me as a kid, but it still hurts that I had to grow up "as a girl," and miss out on the experiences that boys around me had growing up. And spending my adolescent years feeling depressed and dysphoric, it kind of feels like my youth was wasted.
I think about this all the time! I was wondering if other people felt this way. I consider it a form of dysphoria, because it causes me a lot of stress and just makes me angry. I feel like someone who was wrongly incarcerated, and had twenty years of their life taken away from them. Even before I knew what being trans was, I felt so disconnected that I basically checked out from the world, and am just now starting to rejoin it. There is so much that cis girls got to do growing up that I missed out on. And most of them don't even think about it. I always wanted to do ballet, or to go shopping with my mom for clothes. I have to learn how to put on makeup from videos instead of from my sisters. When I painted my nails and my family saw it, I passed it off as a joke, then went and cried in my room. My childhood was wasted, and I won't get it back. I still feel like I'm wasting my days, but hopefully that will change soon.
I too feel the same ways. I wind up locking myself in my room minus the lock since I'm not allowed to do that and stay in playing a video game or reading a book or being online. :/ I cringe at hearing how I "loved" Minnie mouse and I "loved" pink and girly things. I feel like my mum is trying to force me into remember something falsely so I stay a girl if that makes sense.
Yeah my mom has photos of me in dresses and a picture of me in our first apartment playing with baby dolls. I don't remember ever willingly playing with baby dolls but apparently at one point i did. My mom doesn't know anything yet she'd blow up if she found out. And call me every insult in the book. Plus i feel bad cause i'm not your stereotypical guy either. I'm a gamer anime nerd who'd rather watch a war or action movie than a sports game and i like a few 'girl' things like wax scents and the aromatherapy essential oil diffuser i got for christmas...ugh. So complicated. This and that. At least i was friends with boys and a tomboy girl in elementary, so i had that going for me. I didn't get to go to karate classes or have photos of me as a little boy hanging up on the wall.
Hmmm. You need to take time to grieve, probably. But you know, I had the same issue, and you can get some of it back. Do whatever stupid thing you want to do. Moms see and photograph what they want to see.
Yeah I understand I too am not into many sports but I do like boxing and mma and other "manly" sports but I don't really understand why I was told I played with dolls. I remember I had a whole case of barbies and a ken, I played more with Ken than the rest.