Advice on when and how to come out to kids

DesireEyes, thanks for being such a considerate person. You notice that your children "reacted with relief more than anything" to the separation and not being married anymore. My guess is they will handle your news, your coming out, "reasonably well" too, if you are ready. Sometimes it is the underlying "music" that conveys the message - not the words you choose, but whether or not you can be reassuring in your manner. I believe it is good for kids to see their parents face big changes, it is a life lesson. If your husband blames you, what is the best emotional place you can be in (or at least mimic well) to discuss that with the kids? Straight couples break up and go through this, and offer counseling to the kids too if it seems like a good resource to add to the mix. Be you, for it gives permission to your kids to be themselves as they grow up.

And sometimes it isn't so bad if they blame you or say you ruin their lives. They will get a little older and need to test limits, and may like being able to complain to friends about their parents... but that helps them follow your good advice without looking bad in front of their peers.

Best wishes to you in this process!

 

Hi DesireEyes,

I would recommend you check out a website called Colage it is a valuable resource for the coming out process to kids, and for how kids can live with the knowledge that their parent(s) is(are) LGBT, and living with this fact in your family's life.

In my opinion, your kids are at an excellent age to find out, but, I would give them a reasonable gap of time between the end of the marriage and settling into a new life before the big reveal. It would also be advisable to seek an LGBT-competent counselor for additional advice and support.

Best of luck!

 

I'm a father to 4 kids. I understand where you're coming from but I'd wait just a little while. First let them get used to the break up and also wait until the business/legal side of the break up has been dealt with.
Kids are a lot hardier than adults, my guess is that it'd take 6-12 months, if that and then come out and move on.
Good luck and best wishes.

 

Chiming in perhaps a bit too late here ... I'm a long-divorced dad (one daughter, now 28) and I agree with MBM4K54 that now is not the time to come out to your kids. Let things become more stable and clear with your new lives. I also think your concerns about your ex using the information against you and the long-term impact on your kids are valid (having been through a very difficult divorce myself). I like to follow a general need-to-know rule about disclosing my sexuality, so that coming out is placed in a useful context such as introducing someone to a new partner (and thus for me generally a non-issue at this point). Were I you I would ask myself how the information would be beneficial to my kids, and I would also always keep in mind that once it is said I could not go back on it whereas if you change your mind tomorrow about being discreet for the time being you can always act on that desire.

 

My children are 6 and almost 8. I don't think they would have any problem with my wife coming out to them. I know I'm putting this poorly but they have no idea how things are "supposed to" work. For me, it's all about how you tell them and not what you tell them, if you bring a lot of emotion and stress to the conversation they're going to feel it and worry. If you feel good about it, they will. If you're not sure how to say it you might want to seek out some guidance from a lgbt counselor. About the dad using it against you.. I just don't know, probably a good idea to ask your divorce lawyer about that. Them blaming you for the divorce, eh i think you already said it with they seemed relieved. My parents divorced when I was 6, lots and lots of fighting before they finally divorced,. I'm freaking glad they divorced lol. Your kids might or might not see it yet but staying in a bad marriage is worse for children than divorcing. I know I don't know about the stress of coming out to people, but for me i'd rather have the gay talk over the divorce talk. Coming out will go something like, Hey guys, Mommy and I have something to say. Guess what? Mommy likes girls now. Yep like she likes to kiss and hug them. After that I'm not sure, probably some odd and random questions from them for a bit. Then they'll get bored and ask for ice cream or something with too much sugar in it. :/The key is to put out all the info with honesty (in an age appropriate manner) and in an upbeat way.
I can't speak much to how it will affect their identities and peer relationships, Other than it might not be the norm yet but there are lots of children around the world with two moms, or two dads, etc. It's getting more common as time goes on so I think the kiddos will continue to get better as time goes on too.
So my actual advice is, your kids probably won't understand why you're getting divorced. Sexuality is just a completely abstract term for them. So why add it to the mix right now. Focus on the divorce stuff, get that where you want it. Actually it just occurred to me that I would try to avoid talking to them about the divorce and your sexual preference in the same conversation. No reason to link those things in the kids minds. They're related but not the same.
Good luck

 

I needed to come back to reread this, now that my wife and I are not looking to stay together long term we're going to need to have these conversations with our kids sooner or later. I'm just trying to figure out the right order. My gut says have the gay talk first. Then a few months down the road bring up divorce. Idk I'm probably going to ask my therapist tomorrow her thoughts. I'll let you know if she has any good ideas.