NEed someone to talk to about FTM Trans. Having trouble really knowing what I want

My best advice is to not rush it. Experimenting irl and thinking through it on here helped me most. By experimenting, i bought boxers and a binder and such and tried those, saw how i felt with them. Another thing i did was to practice pronouns and names in the mirror and in the shower, cause that's as close as i can get to figuring out the social aspect. Practicing w/ male pronouns in your head - like in your head calling yourself by he/his/him and seeing how it feels. There's a lot of stereotypical questions too that others can add, but that's my two cents. I've admitted to myself i'm trans, finally, and am only now at the stage where i want my name changed at work but not pronouns. Not that brave yet. Plus i'd need to move away for that to happen. That would not be safe to do in my hometown. I'm not out at all save online.

 

I'm currently transitioning, if you have any questions or want someone to talk to I could try to help.

 

I'm pretty far into transition, I've been on hormones for about 3 years and live full time. I also have my name legally changed and my gender marker on my ID updated. So if you need to talk about anything, you can either send me a pm or you can write on my wall.

For me, the first thing I did was experiment with my expression. I dressed more masculine and I began to act the way that I really wanted to. Before, I had acted the way that I was expected to since I was seen as female. As time went on, I pushed the envelope more.

 

I have transitioned quite a bit. I am sorry if I sound patronizing (you know when people apologize for doing something before they do just that... Yep, here we go...).

Honestly it can be hard to know. You might have other package. Don't rush it. In my country you can't get a diagnose if your identity hasn't been solid for minimum two years and even then they hesitate. If you are very young (under 20) you have to be careful.

Detransitioned people or in this case detransitioned women are not very often talked about but I think that it's important. I watch them on Youtube because I find their content interesting and helpful even to me. I know I am a man but still. Many of them speak very openly and honestly and they usually are not against transitioning. I have great respect for them. They have a deep understanding of gender I think. I suggest that you look into that too with an open mind and just listen.

Even I don't know what makes me a man. I am a bit of a paradox because I knew I was a man/boy since I was 13 but realizing that it means I am trans took years longer. I suggest that you leave the term "trans" for awhile too. Your focus is wether or not you are a man inside your head. Then you can decide what to do about it. I can't exactly tell you how you can determine that but I don't think anyone can. It's up to you.

I used to look older people a lot. I tried to imagine myself as an older person when I was thinking about transitioning. Getting older as a woman felt devastating to me. I couldn't really see that. Old men aren't pretty either but I will still be happier like that. Think about your future. What do you see if you think about living as a woman for the rest of your life? What about living as a man? Are you willing to accept the negative effects of transitioning medically? Like balding, being stinkier and hairier (you grow hair in places that shouldn't grow hair), the expectations by society, being possibly infertile?

When and if you start hormone replacement therapy you can't pick and choose what you get. It will also change you mentally. It has changed me. It's a big step. If you feel like you are not ready to decide on that you shouldn't. For now you really can experiment a lot but do it without any pressure. (If you experiment with binding, be safe! It can be harmful if you do it wrong)

Transitioning is tough. Well, usually it is and it has been for me. Are you prepared for that? There are people who won't respect us as who we are no matter what. It's hard to deal with and your dysphoria could get worse while you are waiting for treatment. You need a plan for those times. I wish I had one when I started. You might need support from others like you. Do you need to transition to survive and live a happy life? Answer that when you are ready.

Whatever you are experiencing some support won't harm you. Figuring out yourself is a tough job.