Disclaimer: If you do not feel like reading a lot then do not continue. I have been questioning my sexuality a long time now. I think the first time that I started questioning was when I noticed that when I get feelings for guys, they only last around couple of weeks and then it feels just wrong. The feelings aren't sexual either. They are just romantic type feelings that end up developing because I have already developed a friendship and I like their personality, but that's about it. Just thinking about sexual relationships with guys is just ick or something. I have no desire to kiss or sleep with a guy whatsoever. Another problem is is that when I am in a relationship with a guy, they are often very patient and say that they will wait until "I'm ready", but the problem is is that I don't think I will ever be ready to do that sort of thing with a guy. So even with knowing that they are kind and patient, I still feel pressure because I still feel like I am going to have to kiss them or something in the future and that they won't understand. Of course, low self esteem issues doesn't help with this situation at all . Anyways, the fact that I feel all of this when it comes to guys, I began to think about girls. Thinking about girls just kind of opened my eyes to all of the wonderful qualities of women and how beautiful they are (at least the ones that are kind to other people). Another thought is that since I decided to think about girls, did I convince myself to like girls? That is a thought that scares me because I don't want my feelings to be fake. I want to know that what is going through my head is real and not just me being stupid. What if I just need to find the right guy? I don't know. When I'm around girls I feel like I'm a guy. For example, with public affection and the whole thing with a guy putting their arm around the girl's shoulder and me being on the receiving end of all that (being the girl) makes me uncomfortable and small. With girls, I feel like the guy where I want to put my arm across the girl's shoulder. I also like short girls (around the same height or shorter than me). This is kind of difficult because I'm 5ft 4in so yeah... Thankfully I haven't stopped growing yet. It is also funny because when it comes to liking girls I'm not afraid of public affection as much as I am with guys. I would actually want to hold a girl's hand or put my arm around their shoulder. I don't feel the nervous attraction towards girls, I feel the opposite. I feel more comfortable around them, like I can be myself. Another thing that is interesting is that I only seem to like the more tomboyish girls (like me). Most of the time I can't stand girls who act popular and like they are better than anyone else or just giggle on the most random things. Just not my type or style.(no offense to anyone who is feminine). So anyways, sorry for rambling, I just needed to get that all out and possibly get help with it because it is just a big ball of mess within my head. If you have managed to read ALL of that and not get bored then I'm impressed. Thanks for any feedback!
Well, I'm not good at advice, so take anything I say with a grain of salt. The fact that you only started really noticing your attraction to girls after you took the time to think about it doesn't make your feelings fake. It is easily possible that you were subconsciously choosing to ignore them due to the heteronormative society. (And after the large words and clinical language, I feel like a pompous idiot) Anyway, like I said, I suck at advice, but if you ever want to talk, I'm a good listener.
Like @AbsoluteNerd said, just because you only started feeling things for girls recently, doesn't mean those feelings aren't real. You were probably unconciously repressing them, and now that you stopped and started accepting them they're coming out. I went through something similar when I relized I was bi. I used to really only look at and think about girls, so I kind of assumed I was straight. However, over the last year or so, varioys things made me begin to question that assumption, and eventually I relized that I might like some guys. At first I thought it might be only certain, rather androgynous guys, but as I let myself explore my feelings more, and spent more time actually looking at guys in a sexual way, I came to relize that no, It wasn't just a few guy, it was a lot of guys. In short no, I don't think your tricking yourself, and I do think your freelings are real. So let yourself accept and explore them, and see where they take you. P.S. your profile picture is awsome
For gender identity, I may be of a bit of help. For a while, I thought I was gender fluid, but now I think it had more to do with feelings for girls that i didn’t recognize as romantic/sexual. It also had to do with some issues and prejudices I had with being outwardly feminine that contributed to me initially labeling myself gender fluid, but as I came into myself more, I shed that label and realized I liked women. I'm not trying to say that you are or you aren't cis or whatever else. I just thought that sharing my experience might help put yours into perspective.
Thanks for your advice(it doesn't suck)! And I am a grammar nazi so large words and clinical language dont bother me lol. I look forward to talking with you later and I'm a good listener as well
I see what you mean and I agree with you about feelings not being fake. Now that I think about it I do remember saying that I wasn't opposed to dating girls, but I still hadn't deeply thought about it. Thank you for the clarification! I'm glad you like my profile pic, it is freaking awesome haha.
