I’m an 18-year-old male seriously questing his sexuality and I’m hoping that you could help me better understand myself from what I’m about to tell you. Back in elementary school I had a crush on a girl for about 3 years and when she finally gave me a chance I got really scared. In fact, I was so scared that I ignored her. While all this was going on I remember having erotic dreams about a boy from my class. I was really turned on by that boy, but I blocked those fantasies out. Perhaps I got scared again, because the society I live in isn’t exactly welcoming of queer people. Just today my father said he would kill all gay people. He said it was a disease. Anyway, forward into my high school life. Currently in my last year I no longer feel any desire to have a girlfriend. I get excited by women and regularly alternate between straight and gay porn, but I don’t have any romantic interest for women, and even though I watch straight porn If you were to put a woman in front of me right now I would newer have sex with her. I might thing about it but newer do it. The same boy from elementary school I met in high school. We hung out every day but recently I had to stop it. He would always talk about his girls, putting them on a pedestal. Every time I tried mentioning gay people he was very insulting. I just got depressed every day and Now that I ended that I feel alone and unloved. Got a bit distracted there. Basically, I don’t know if I am gay or just resent women for some reason. I find 95% of men disgusting and just like twinks. For instance, Suga, Mark Tuan and so on. Also, I don’t think there is anything wrong with being gay. I want to be gay.
I don't think that not being attracted to a gender does, or has to, equal resenting them. I don't think you mentioned anything that made me feel you resented women at all, just that you aren't interested in the reality of sleeping with them. You seem to have the capacity to get turned on by women, but not wanting to act on those feelings can make you just as gay as a guy who doesn't get turned on by women at all. I don't believe we can choose our feelings, but we can choose how we label them and what we do with them. I think that the label comes from what we do with our feelings. Although there are probably straight people who fetishize being gay, I think that wanting to be gay can be a good indicator that you are gay. Of course, not all gay people have that experience (I think the stereotype is that all gay people are ashamed and in denial), but those who feel comfortable with gay people and with gay labels usually do because they're gay themselves. It seems like you have some figuring out to do still, but it gets easier! I promise.
I don't think you resent women. Just because a girl is not attracted to girls doesn't mean she resents girls, if that makes sense. Another example is that personally, I'm finding that I am a lot less attracted to guys than I thought I was. I don't have any desire to kiss or have sex with a guy at all, but I don't resent guys. There are a lot of guys out there that have great personalities so why would I resent them? Anyways, it sounds like you are gay. Plus, you said you want to be gay so that is a good sign. (I love being gay and wouldn't want to be anything else) Just remember you don't need labels, they aren't required. They are mostly there for organization and putting people in boxes, but for some people being in a box feels safer than not knowing where they belong. What matters is that you accept and love yourself for who you are. It's easier said than done, I know, especially when you have a lot of nonsupporting people around you and you feel trapped within yourself. And remember that your feelings are valid and if they change then they are still valid no matter what, as long as they feel right for you. Anyways, sorry for rambling, just wanted to make sure I covered everything and tried to give good advice. And if you continue feeling unloved and unaccepted then you can always talk to me, anybody else, or anywhere on the forum cause we will accept you. I hope all of that helped
Thank you very much. Your replies did help me. A bit off topic but do you ever think about your future? I can't imagine being with a woman but coming out would mean loosing all of my friends and would probably get thrown out of the house. To add to this there is not an openly gay guy in a 10 mile radius. Am I supposed to be alone the entire time I need to stay here. I mean if things go on like this I will get my first gay kiss in 5 freaking years. How do people deal with that? The years when I as a teenager want to experience the most(sex) will be wasted.
