This is my first time posting in any forum such as this. I am a 33 year old male, married to a beautiful woman with whom I have been for about 9 years. We have sex relatively infrequently; maybe 2-4 times a month. Here is my story: As a young person (ages 9-17), I was strongly attracted to females. I had constant romantic thoughts about them, and when my body was ready, I masturbated (constantly and satisfyingly) to fantasies and images of females. I had almost exclusively male friends, for whom I never experienced a sexual or romantic attraction. At age 15, I began dating a girl my age. We did everything but have intercourse, and it was highly satisfying. I was very much "in love" with her. As much as a young man of that age can be, I suppose. We finally had sex when I was 16, and it was was somewhat underwhelming, possibly related to the anxiety I experienced. My girlfriend ended up cheating on me right around the time I turned 17, and I was crushed and heartbroken. This coincided with the beginning of a period of sexual impotence. Where I used to get constant erections from sexual thoughts, pretty suddenly I could not achieve an erection no matter what. Making out with girls my age did nothing for me. I felt no more sexual urges. Before leaving high school, a young girl I was kissing said "I think you're gay". I was sort of floored by the comment, and it has stuck with me ever since. For the next few years, the lack of sexual attraction continued, although I had multiple (mostly drunken) relationships with women to varying degrees of satisfaction. I also grappled with serious depression and anxiety during this time. Eventually, my erections returned, but I never felt the same intense sexual urges I experienced as a teen. All along, I questioned my sexuality. Not because of an attraction for the same sex, but because of a lack of sufficient attraction to the opposite sex. I would always tell myself that I must be gay, and I was terrified of the notion. In my mid twenties, I met my current wife. I fell in love with her. We had a satisfying sexual and romantic life for years. Fast forward to today. We've been married for two years, and I am almost totally convinced i am gay. I'm open about it with my wife and my therapist, neither of whom seem to agree with me. My sex life with my wife has become less and less satisfying and we have been having sex less frequently. However, every time we are intimate I get an erection and have an orgasm. It just doesn't appeal to me like it used to. I think I am attracted to men, but I am not sure. When I am around a handsome man, I get anxious and uncomfortable. I constantly imagine myself in sexual situations with men. I sometimes watch gay porn. The confusing thing is, however, none of these acts arouse me even in the slightest way. I can watch gay porn for twenty minutes and I won't get even a hint of an erection. As soon as I switch to straight porn, I get an erection. I can fantasize about being with a man, but all I feel is anxiety and discomfort. I feel that I must be gay and in some sort of deeply entrenched denial. It makes me so sad to think that I will eventually have to be apart from my wife, who means so much to me. I try to accept the fact that I am gay, but it is so hard to do, especially because I have never had a sexual experience involving a man. As I said before, fantasizing about men or watching gay porn does not arouse me, but I do it anyway to sort of check and see what happens. I am constantly thinking about this. All day, every day. It causes me great distress. I am just looking for some sort of guidance from people who may have experienced a similar process.
As a gay friend told me, being gay is not about not liking the opposite sex, it’s about loving and having an innate physical, sexual, and emotional connection to the same sex. To me it does not sound that you are 100% gay and that’s ok, I’m my opinion most people are bi to different degrees. The fact that you are married however makes it complicated because it retricts you from experimenting, and testing your feelings. If you say you truly love your wife it must be real, besides lack of sex is not the be all and end all of a relationship, it’s important, but by no means breaks a relationship. I hope I can help
Thanks so much for responding. It's very comforting to feel like there is someone to talk to about it that isn't directly involved, or going to judge me harshly. I've tried to "experiment" through pornography and fantasizing, but I just don't become aroused by it. It may seem strange, but so much of my mind is occupied by the idea that I must be gay. It's very hard to describe, and typing it all out for the first time felt completely bizarre.
Pornography isn't a reliable indicator. And your situation is interesting and not what we typically hear about with people in the process of coming to terms with being gay. One suggestion that might help is to give up porn entirely and masturbate using fantasy only. Try fantasies of men in one session, and fantasies of women in another. Usually this will give you a fairly accurate indication of where your attraction lies. The secondary concern I would have is the intrusiveness of the thoughts. Has your therapist screened you for OCD or otherwise for obsessive thoughts, or other underlying anxiety-related disorders? While it is normal for someone contemplating being gay to have anxiety about it, constant and intrusive anxiety and obsessive thoughts are not normal. This would be something to explore in therapy, and could complicate getting an accurate answer about where you are on the spectrum. I would explore those things first. Feel free to discuss further and report back with any further insights.
I understand how you feel, but trust me, there is nothing wrong with thinking that way, there is nothing wrong with being gay, I feel you are giving too much power to the label rather that just thinking of it as a word and it is causing anxiety, truly think of the meaning of being gay, which is a built in desire to be with the same sex, physically, sexually and emotionally, and if you don’t feel that way ONLY to the same sex, then you are not 100%gay, that’s what I have to face when coming to terms with my bisexuality, but for the most part I don’t identify with any sexual orientations. There is no pressure to define yourself so quickly, just think ‘I define the label, the label does not define me’
Yes, I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder as a teenager, and continue to deal with it to this day. I have tried medications, mindfulness, psychodynamic therapy, etc. I have had therapists suggest that this sort of questioning I experience is more closely related to my anxiety disorder than it is to my sexual orientation. Sometimes that feels true to me, but at other times I am fully convinced that I am gay and I need to find a way to allow myself to accept that. It is very difficult and exhausting at times. As for the sexual fantasizing, I often try to masturbate using male fantasies, but have never been successful at doing so. I cannot maintain an erection or achieve orgasm (sorry for being graphic, I don't know the protocol here). On the flip side, when I try to masturbate to fantasies of women, images of men tend to pop in, which causes great anxiety and I cannot continue. This has most of the reason why I use pornography. I can concentrate on the image and my mind doesn't wander, as it is wont to do. I will try your no-pornogrpahy suggestion, though, and see what happens. Again, thank you so much for your response and support. It is very meaningful to me.
You should really be after CBT or DBT or one of the specialized therapies for anxiety; psychodynamic therapy isn't the most effective for anxiety disorders, and mindfulness is helpful, but by itself wouldn't be particularly effective. It sounds like you haven't had the best psychotherapy... you might want to consider seeking out another therapist. This, to me, points pretty clearly to the issue being an anxiety-related mental health issue rather than any genuine attraction toward men. Another reason that good therapy would be advised here.
