1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

First time advice

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Paddy2018, Jan 1, 2018.

  1. Paddy2018

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jan 1, 2018
    Messages:
    9
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Ireland
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Hi guys,

    I would hugely appreciate your advice. Basically I'm a 30 year old man who came out gay at 28 after a long battle with self acceptance re: my sexual orientation (religious reasons, homophobic environment also played a part)

    I feel great for having come out and being able to express my sexuality is very liberating and has done wonders for my overall confidence. However I still have a few issues which I am desperately struggling with that I think about all the time and are causing me so much angst.

    In truth I am a virgin. I have never dated girls before coming out nor did I ever wish to, I just couldn't lead someone up the garden path like that. Plus I always knew I liked guys so I just figured what's the point in trying to persue a hetro relationship? I had kissed several girls but this was merely to save face on nights out etc.

    Re: guys, I have been on two dates and made out with 4 guys since I came out but nothing more. I really want to hook up with a guy (sexually) however the biggest issue holding me back is fear. I have major body hang ups. I am extremely lanky/thin and I am so ashamed of how I look. I know it's the single biggest factor re: why I have been celibate all these years. I just can't bring myself to be naked around guys. I aim to tackle this though and will definately join a gym to help with my body confidence.

    I'm not quite sure what I'm looking for. The idea of having a boyfriend seems really lovely to me and I could imagine myself in a relationship. However part of me feels I need to experience some no strings hook ups before settling just to get it out of my system.

    I have always had a thing for slightly older guys 40's even 50's and I am seriously flirting with the idea of hooking up with a guy within this age range. I wouldn't wish to be in a relationship with a guy in this age group but I think I would like my first time partner to be a bit more mature than me. To learn from I guess?

    Even re: hook ups I'm a little apprehensive. I find it a little daunting meeting a complete stranger for sex and having to explain to them that I'm totally inexperienced at 30. I feel so much shame about this. For me it's not much of an issue. I have grown accustomed to celibacy, it's just the shame in admitting it to others.

    Despite my lack of relationships/experience, every other area of my life is going well. I have a steady job which I enjoy and I have an active social life. I have been told I am attrative by several people which is nice to hear and I honestly feel I would make someone very happy in a relationship as I'm a pretty caring/loving guy.

    My questions now are:

    Have I left it too late to come out?
    Would a guy run a mile if he knew I was inexperienced?
    Is it common for those who are late coming out to be virgins also?
    Should I play the field a bit before settling for a partner?
    Should I aim to hook up with a guy closer to my age range for my first time?
    Would it be wrong of me to 'partly' lie to a potential hook up by telling him I've had experiences with women before just never guys (this was my plan). It's a half truth I guess. I just feel it would help to ease my embarrasment about my virginity.

    I really appreciate any responses. I want to make 2018 special and hope I can find my place in the gay world I guess.

    Many thanks

    P
     
  2. LostInDaydreams

    Moderator Full Member

    Joined:
    May 10, 2016
    Messages:
    4,300
    Likes Received:
    2,096
    Location:
    UK
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Hi @Paddy2018,

    Welcome to EC. :slight_smile:

    Hopefully someone (with experience) will along soon with some advice, but in the meantime...

    It's absolutely not too late. Reading through some threads in this section will hopefully show you that. I can't speak for any guys, but there's nothing wrong with waiting until you're ready and with the right person. If your lack of experience bothers them, then they're not the right person. Everyone's journey is different and levels of experience on coming out later in life seem to vary, but there are quite a few people with no experience of the same-sex (I'm one of them).

    I hope you're able to get all your questions answered. :slight_smile:
     
  3. justaguyinsf

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    May 30, 2016
    Messages:
    603
    Likes Received:
    375
    Location:
    San Francisco, CA
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    A few people
    I think you're on the right track. First, you're getting yourself in shape, which will help you quite a bit I think. Second, you've made out with guys so obviously your'e attractive. Third, I think you're making too much of your virginity; as long as you're open to experiencing what makes you and your partner feel good only someone really picky would be concerned with your lack of experience ... some might even find it a plus (I was in my early forties when I started with men and it didn't make a difference other than making me anxious like you are). Fourth, I get your being apprehensive about hooking up, which has never been something I like to do, although I tried; but you might find the experience of trying valuable anyway. But either way perhaps you should try moving toward sex in a dating context or as part of a brief fling if you happen to meet someone with whom you click but you aren't really dating ... for example if you're on a trip somewhere and you meet someone. Good luck ... I think you can get over this "hump"!.
     
    #3 justaguyinsf, Jan 1, 2018
    Last edited: Jan 1, 2018
  4. Peterpangirl

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 19, 2017
    Messages:
    846
    Likes Received:
    662
    Location:
    UK
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Some people
    My experience as a woman in her forties with no same sex experience until a few short months ago has been - there is no correct way to be or to express one's sexual self.....it's what feels good in a respectful relationship between two consenting adults. It can be gentle and tender or rough and raunchy. I know this is going to sound corny but I think you just need to find someone who attracts you with whom you feel safe with - by this I mean someone kind with whom you click and who you feel is not going to judge. This could be someone nice and experienced - or it could just be someone nice and inexperienced - I personally found that being with someone equally inexperienced has helped us to relax and just explore each other. My partner and I are naturally shy about sex and desire, but have gained confidence expressing it. Whether you prefer a hook up or short relationship make sure you are not being manipulated by another and that you are also honest about your intentions in order to avoid hurting someone else. I think if you are comfortable with another person you will intuitively know how to be intimate with him.

    Looking after your body and eating a healthy diet always make someone more attractive which ever gender you are attracted to, but perhaps more importantly doing these things is indicative of healthy self love.
     
    #4 Peterpangirl, Jan 2, 2018
    Last edited: Jan 2, 2018
    LostInDaydreams likes this.
  5. Paddy2018

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jan 1, 2018
    Messages:
    9
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Ireland
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Hey guys,

    Thank you for your replies you have all given me food for thought. It's nice to hear someone else's thoughts on the issue for a change rather than my own.

    I've just been overthinking everything. It's the biggest stressor in my life at the minute, this whole sense of me lagging behind everyone else and the embarrasment associated with it.

    I think what makes it all the more painful is when I read posts (in other forums) from people who say they would never dream of dating a virgin 30+ and that there must be something wrong with me in some way, when in reality I'm one of the most normal people I know.

    My lack of intimate relationships arose largely from me not being able to accept being gay I just couldn't face up to it and depriving myself of a love life seemed like the only option I had given the amount of homophobia I witnessed over the years I was too afraid to be me.

    Then I seen attitudes changing in my country and gradually my confidence grew enough for me to face up to things. I think the fact that I was turning 30 also made me want to come out.

    I just really hope that my worries are all in my head!
     
  6. Paddy2018

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jan 1, 2018
    Messages:
    9
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Ireland
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Many thanks for your replies once again! Really appreciate them
     
  7. Sek

    Sek
    Full Member

    Joined:
    May 6, 2014
    Messages:
    372
    Likes Received:
    2
    Hey Paddy, I have to say I personally find your story quite sweet and endearing. There is nothing inherently 'wrong' with your story, it is simply a fact about you, and it is up to personal interpretation to place judgment on it. It is never too late to come out if it is safe to do so, there are people much older than you who decide to come out - there is no 'expiry date' on the closet door haha. Unfortunately, there is no shortage of shallow guys in the 'homosphere' so yes, you might encounter a few idiots who take a disliking to your story, but you won't be the first person to be rejected by shallow gay men and you definitely won't be the last. Let me reassure you by telling you that I have come out, but for the past three years I have been dating someone with one foot still in the closet slowly making his way out, and we both had never slept with another man when we met. I was 18 and he was 23. His lack of experience with other men was actually a positive for me because I am attracted to dedicated men, I am really not at all interested in dating players or people who spend their lives trying to 'get it in', having casual sex. I am still (as far as I know) the only guy he has slept with and I am so happy to be with him! There will be people out there who feel the same way, and if you are interested in having and being a committed partner then I don't think you will have many problems in the dating world.

    The other thing I would like to say is that you should live in your truth, start looking inward for validation more often than outward, the more your happiness and self-image is independent of others' opinions, the more your life will improve and you will draw in the right kinds of people. Date who makes you happy and makes you comfortable, be upfront and honest, realise that it's something different that with enough persistence will lead you to someone right for you.

    Just a quick mention as well.. my boyfriend and I are both tall and skinny, we are both 189cm tall and weigh around 70kg, we have no shortage of attraction to each other! :slight_smile:
     
    justaguyinsf and azure au like this.
  8. Godless

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jul 10, 2016
    Messages:
    150
    Likes Received:
    2
    Location:
    California
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Some people
    You are good enough how you are. You do not need to lie or pretend about anything. If someone cannot accept you as you are than they simply do not deserve to have you. There are plenty of amazing people out there, waiting to find you. Please stop beating yourself up. You are free to get out of your head and live in the present. You are gay and that is great. All things in due time.
     
    LostInDaydreams and Peterpangirl like this.
  9. Paddy2018

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jan 1, 2018
    Messages:
    9
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Ireland
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Hey guys,
    Once again thank you for your replies it's so kind of you to take the time to get back to me.

    I guess I find it hard to not beat myself up over my situation. I find that this issue weighs heavily on my mind. I often seen people refering to older virgins as defective online on discussion boards etc it's just so unfair.

    I'm here trying to change my life for the better following my coming out yet I'm forever being bombarded by negative information re: older virgins. It can be very hard not to take it to heart. I just feel abnormal.

    I just worry that I've missed the boat re: my youth. I know I'm only 30 but I fear that the life that I always wished to live is getting further and further out of my reach. I would love the opportunity to meet guys, hit gay clubs, basically the life I could of had if I came out in my early 20's.

    I even had a family member ask me when when will I settle down recently. I don't want to settle down until I've experienced everything. I want to live my 30's in the carefree manner I should have been living it in my 20's. It doesn't help that the gay world is so youth obsessed.

    Anyhow apologies for my rant. I just don't know how I'm gonna navigate my way out of this situation.
     
  10. wrhinla

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Dec 18, 2016
    Messages:
    47
    Likes Received:
    11
    Location:
    Los Angeles
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    A friend asked me not all that long ago whether I every wish I could be 18 again and come out and live my entire adult life as gay. I had to laugh. I mean, yeah, of course. Who wouldn't like that? But that's not what happened. I made what seemed at the time like the right choices.

    The most supportive thing I can say is that what you are experiencing is not all that uncommon. I didn't want to be gay so I convinced myself I wasn't. That's what keeps people in the closet. I thought it was too late to come out when I was 20, 30, 40, etc. If I had come out at 30, I would at this point still have had more than thirty years of living as openly gay.

    Your virginity is explained by the fact that you felt stuck in the closet—didn't want sex with women, felt you couldn't have sex with men. I had sex with women, but I think I was mostly doing it because I thought I was supposed to. At least unconsciously. So was that somehow preferable to no sex? I think that complaining that the gay world is youth obsessed is a bit of an excuse. Our entire society is youth obsessed. You are not the only gay man over 30. It sounds like you are coming up with excuses not to live your life the way you want to. I don't mean that in an accusatory way. I'm just saying that you need to push yourself out of your comfort zone.
     
  11. Paddy2018

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jan 1, 2018
    Messages:
    9
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Ireland
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Hi Wrhinla,

    Thanks for your response. Without a shaddow of a doubt your correct when you say I need to push myself out of my comfort zone I totally agree.

    I guess I've been feeling sorry for myself lately. What I'm really looking for is reassurance that I'm still able to lead the life I wish I always had. Or is this now an unrealistic notion.

    I don't want to use my hang ups re: age as an excuse to not live my life as I want but in truth it is something I think about alot. The pessimist in me keeps saying you left ir too late etc.
     
  12. wrhinla

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Dec 18, 2016
    Messages:
    47
    Likes Received:
    11
    Location:
    Los Angeles
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Well, if it's reassurances you're looking for, allow me to reassure you. It's not too late to live your life as you feel you should. It's scary as hell to make huge changes in life. We tend to accept that things are the way they are because they have to be. But they don't. It's your life; no one else can live it for you.
     
  13. Chip

    Board Member Admin Team Advisor Full Member

    Joined:
    May 9, 2008
    Messages:
    16,551
    Likes Received:
    4,750
    Location:
    northern CA
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Anyone who would say this is not someone that you (or I, or anyone emotionally healthy) would want to date. So... I wouldn't worry too much about the opinion of judgmental people. Put your energy toward those who won't care about what is, quite honestly, a pretty trivial thing.
     
  14. SiennaFire

    Full Member

    Joined:
    May 23, 2015
    Messages:
    2,161
    Likes Received:
    246
    Location:
    Boston
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Hi @Paddy2018 ,

    Welcome to EC :gay_pride_flag:

    People come out when they are ready. There are people on this site who came out when older than you (including me), so there is no reason to feel that 30 is too late. Carpe diem!

    Whether you pursue a hookup or try to find a relationship really depends on what you want. It sounds like you want a relationship and have started down the dating path. Please keep in mind that it takes time to figure out your type, so be kind to yourself if you don't find the one right away.

    A hookup does not have to be totally anonymous. You can chat online and then meet in public first before things get physical. Granted these are harder to find, but a properly crafted profile makes it easier to attract the kind of guys that you want.

    Personally I would discourage you from lying about your virginity or that you've come out later in life. If you feel that you need to lie about it, you probably haven't found the right partner. If you go the hookup route, I would suggest you let people know upfront that you don't have a lot of experience and that you are looking for somebody to show you the ropes. You might be surprised at the reception you'll get when you've found the right person.

    If you are into older guys, then go for it! I would suggest that you start dating guys in their late 30s / early 40s because a maximum age gap of 10 years is a rule of thumb here on EC. This rule of thumb applies to relationships to ensure that you have sufficiently similar life experiences.
     
  15. brainwashed

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 29, 2014
    Messages:
    2,141
    Likes Received:
    494
    Location:
    Phoenix, AZ
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    no

    Ahhhh you see Paddy2018, this is the crux. If another person cares about you, he/she will stick around.

    Id say not in this group. Not with it's record of oppression.

    Id say find a partner you have FEELINGS for. I wouldn't put a time clock to it.

    Id go for the FEELING thing and wouldn't worry about age.

    I wouldn't lie. Id practice full disclosure. If there is FEELINGS there is acceptance and understanding.

    My general comment(s): Not that I'm hitting on you Paddy2018 but I really like skinning, thin guys. Being a runt myself, there's just something hot about skinny guys. It seems your trying to "social engineer" this. Pull up a pad a paper and ponder why? List possible anxiety fears. Then list assets and ponder them. Put deep thought into this process. You may have to go for long walks to get your brain to work out responses. It's not always a cooperative organ, it has a brain (sub-section) of it's own you know.
     
    #15 brainwashed, Jan 6, 2018
    Last edited: Jan 6, 2018
  16. brainwashed

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 29, 2014
    Messages:
    2,141
    Likes Received:
    494
    Location:
    Phoenix, AZ
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Bingo! Thats me. I've had sex with women, it never felt right. Why? Because there was little to no emotional feeling.
     
  17. brainwashed

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 29, 2014
    Messages:
    2,141
    Likes Received:
    494
    Location:
    Phoenix, AZ
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Lol, hum let me see 70kg to pounds.....equals ~154 lb. Very hot. 189 cm to feet equals ~6 feet. Ok super hot. Errrrrr!
     
  18. Paddy2018

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jan 1, 2018
    Messages:
    9
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Ireland
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Hey Brainwashed thank you for your detailed response. You guys are really helping me to put things into perspective. You have no idea how much I appriciate you taking time to reply. I don't feel comfortable to talk openly about these issues with anyone in my life so it helps to open up here. So glad I foud this website.

    Can I ask you, when I asked if people who came out late were generally inexperienced too do you feel this is the case? I ask because I hear of so many gay guys having been intimate with girls prior to coming out or atleast experimenting with guys. I did neither and feel like I a loser to say the least :frowning2:
     
    #18 Paddy2018, Jan 6, 2018
    Last edited: Jan 6, 2018
  19. wrhinla

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Dec 18, 2016
    Messages:
    47
    Likes Received:
    11
    Location:
    Los Angeles
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    All I can say is that there is no "right" and "wrong" way about any of this. Everyone has regrets. Almost everyone thinks he or she fucked up in some major way. The only people who don't think that are deluded and dangerous (e.g., Trump!). Stop comparing your own experience to that of others. It is ultimately of no consequence.
     
  20. AmberRose

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jan 7, 2018
    Messages:
    20
    Likes Received:
    13
    Location:
    Manhattan
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    My opinion...sometimes it is best to not deal with someone too experience. My personal experience is what happens with a very experience person (someone significantly older or has more romantic experience) it can turn into something unhealthy quickly. Not saying that always happens.

    I would advise more going with someone who you feel is more closer to your emotional level. Just make sure you find someone that respects you. Respect is very crucial no matter what age the person is or the difference in age. Each party should respect each other's emotional, mental, and physical well being. So first chose someone like that.

    Have I left it too late to come out?
    No you haven't. I don't see anything wrong with you being 30 and not having any sexual experience with the same sex. Anyone who has gone through accepting and understanding their sexuality should be understanding that it takes time and is not always easy. Find someone who doesn't shame you for taking your time. Sex and relationships are very serious matters and shouldn't be rushed into.

    Should I play the field a bit before settling for a partner?
    I don't think you should "play the field" before settling. I do think you should go on dates and build something with someone before having sex. But, I wouldn't tell you to just hook-up. Sex is a vulnerable state.

    Should I aim to hook up with a guy closer to my age range for my first time?
    I think you should date someone before becoming sexually active with them consider this is your first time. Chose a caring and respectful partner and you can only make that choice through going on dates with the person for a few months or more. I see nothing with age, but there are people out in society that don't respect people who are younger than them and there are people that will act predatory toward people with no experience. So that is why I say chose wisely.

    Would it be wrong of me to 'partly' lie to a potential hook up by telling him I've had experiences with women before just never guys (this was my plan). It's a half truth I guess. I just feel it would help to ease my embarrasment about my virginity.
    I wouldn't. I would just say I never had a sexual experience with anyone and I chose that for myself because it was the right decision for me. If they don't respect a choice that is right for you they aren't a right choice either.

    Wish you an amazing, happy, and fulfilling 2018!!
     
    #20 AmberRose, Jan 7, 2018
    Last edited: Jan 7, 2018