I need advice: To start off, I am gay and am in 8th grade. I met a guy (let’s call him Lucas) last year that goes to my school because of cross country and we became friends initially after. We got closer as the school year went on and I realized I started to have feelings for him (I didn’t know I was gay btw) I kept it a secret from him for a while. He was always very touchy with people but he did it a lot more with me. We hung out more and more and there was this one time we went on a walk (were very competitive with each other) so we challenged eachother to a race. We ran so far that we were out of breath but I won so he playfully shoved me and we laughed then when I stopped, I looked up at him to catch him already staring at me. We slightly started moving closer but then he made a slight chuckle and said “race you back” then raced back. A week passes by and we get closer and I finally decide to tell him I’m gay. I did but it didn’t go so well. I didn’t sit him down and tell him, my friend (let’s call her Gem and I already told her I was gay) went up to Lucas and asked him what his opinion was on gay people and he paused and said “it depends on the person but they’re weird and it’s wrong”. I broke down almost crying and told him “if it’s so weird then why are you even friends with me!” He looked so confused then looked as if he regretted everything he said as I ran away crying. A day or two later he apologized by saying He’s sorry for the way he acted and that he was cool with it but his parents wouldn’t be due to them being slightly homophobic. We started hanging out again and it went back to exactly the same and he was still touchy. I then decided to take some friends to knotts for my birthday. He and I went on most rides together but then we went on one ride that spins and swings people back and forth threw the air. We sat next to eachother and he started getting scared because we both are scared of heights. We grabbed my hand and looked at me and said “I don’t care if your gay just please hold my hand” and he would let go but then right after would grab it again. My other friend (let’s call her Amy) saw this happen as she was on the other side of the ride and she asked him In private after the ride “do you like him? I see the way you act around him” and Lucas got defensive and said “no..no.. I’m not like that” and she later told me. It hurt me and I finally decided to tell him because it hurt me more to keep it inside. I wrote a note telling him that I like him and that I don’t expect him to feel the same way. He was initially going to not talk to me again but then my friend Gem talked to him explaining that it was stupid to do so and he started talking to me and asked questions of when it started and stuff. We became slightly distant for a while but we kinda talked. A little while passed by and I realized he looked really hazy the entire day but at the end of the day, he pulled me aside and told me he needed to talk to me. These were his words “ok so I need to be honest and tell you something. When I first met you, I thought you were really cute and then cross country started and I got to get to know you and I started to have a little bit of feelings for you, but then I started dating cristina (his ex gf) and she made me straightand I am straight” FAST FORWARD SEVERAL MONTHS Things with Lucas became distant but we still talk a lot but we don’t hang out that much so I had a birthday party and I missed the connection we had so I decided to invite him to my birthday party. I had a bonfire outside with some friends and it was the point of the party where we were all laughs and all loose so we played truth or dare. I realized the fire was gettin low so I went to get firewood and my friend (let’s call her Amanda who knows about the entire thing) decided to ask him “have you ever had a gay moment with him?” And he got really defensive and said “no..no..no...Ugh...why would I” although some friends told me different things but the most common was this. A week later I went to knotts with Amanda and we passed by the ride I mentioned before with the hand holding and I broke down and I texted him a picture saying “#YourGayestMomentEver Remember!?” And he said he didn’t remember so I said “I don’t care if your gay just hold my hand” he later said “oh..”. I later apologized because I wasn’t in the right mindset to do that and he said “it’s okay But thank you for bringing it up because I want to remember sometimes too”. Idk how to interpret that. Please help, Tips to remember •his friends say that he acts different around me than his other friends in good ways •he hasn’t had a relationship since his ex gf •he remembers exact pages in the Bible that mention anything against gay marriage(he doesn’t use it against me, he just remembers it for some reason) •we almost kissed on numerous occasions but it wasn’t like super close it was more we make eye contact for about 10 seconds and we slightly and I mean SLIGHTLY move closer but then he tries to change the subject and I haven’t told him how I feel since the first time I did.
Hi JoeyCarter, From what you described, I can relate with your friend a lot. At that age I did the same things. I denied I was gay, was even terrified of being gay. I found friends (like you) who I liked very much. And I became defensive if someone questioned me to be gay. Although im pointing out these similarities, that does not necessarily mean he is gay. Lucas is the only one who can answer that question, and it comes only when he is ready to answer it. For me, I knew I was gay when I was around 12-14ish (around your age), but ran from it until I was 20. Everybody has their own journey. My advice for you is to be there for him as a friend. It sounds like you really like him, so be there for him. Id suggest telling friends to leave him alone about it, as its not their business. Let Lucas know that you’re there if he would like to talk about it, but don’t push for answers. Pushing could make it him mad, I know it did for me, and there’s no reason to mess up your friendship over it. Like I said, he has to come out (if he is gay) when he is ready, and it could take time. I do want to add that it sounds like you both have a close bond. I know at that age, I wish I had a close friend who was openly gay who I could talk to and be open with. That’s awesome! I hope this helped Joey Also, Welcome to EC!
Thank you so much. If I would like to talk to him about making him feel comfortable with talking about it, how would I do that? In other words, what would I say?
Joey, Just keep it simple. I think its best to let him know that you like him, and value his friendship. He has told you that he thought you were cute and felt a bond between the two of you, although he is straight. Lastly just let him know you can see that he is struggling with something and if he ever needs to talk to someone about it, that you are a safe person to confide in. Mostly just make sure he knows that you’re there to talk if he would like to, even if its 5+ years from now. Don’t pressure him to talk about it if he does not want to. I mentioned it in my last comment, but ill say it again. Everybody has their own journey. If he is gay, he must come out in his own time and on his own terms. Good luck!
