I need advice: To start off, I am gay and am in 8th grade. I met a guy (let’s call him Lucas) last year that goes to my school and we met because of cross country and we became friends initially after. We got closer as the school year went on and I realized I started to have feelings for him (I didn’t know I was gay btw) I kept it a secret from him for a while. He was always very touchy with people but he did it a lot more with me. We hung out more and more and there was this one time we went on a walk (were very competitive with each other) so we challenged eachother to a race. We ran so far that we were out of breath but I won so he playfully shoved me and we laughed then when I stopped, I looked up at him to catch him already staring at me. We slightly started moving closer but then he made a slight chuckle and said “race you back” then raced back. A week passes by and we get closer and I finally decide to tell him I’m gay. I did but it didn’t go so well. I didn’t sit him down and tell him, my friend (let’s call her Gem and I already told her I was gay) went up to Lucas and asked him what his opinion was on gay people and he paused and said “it depends on the person but they’re weird and it’s wrong”. I broke down almost crying and told him “if it’s so weird then why are you even friends with me!” He looked so confused then looked as if he regretted everything he said as I ran away crying. A day or two later he apologized by saying He’s sorry for the way he acted and that he was cool with it but his parents wouldn’t be due to them being slightly homophobic. We started hanging out again and it went back to exactly the same and he was still touchy. I then decided to take some friends to knotts for my birthday. He and I went on most rides together but then we went on one ride that spins and swings people back and forth threw the air. We sat next to eachother and he started getting scared because we both are scared of heights. We grabbed my hand and looked at me and said “I don’t care if your gay just please hold my hand” and he would let go but then right after would grab it again. My other friend (let’s call her Amy) saw this happen as she was on the other side of the ride and she asked him In private after the ride “do you like him? I see the way you act around him” and Lucas got defensive and said “no..no.. I’m not like that” and she later told me. It hurt me and I finally decided to tell him because it hurt me more to keep it inside. I wrote a note telling him that I like him and that I don’t expect him to feel the same way. He was initially going to not talk to me again but then my friend Gem talked to him explaining that it was stupid to do so and he started talking to me and asked questions of when it started and stuff. We became slightly distant for a while but we kinda talked. A little while passed by and I realized he looked really hazy the entire day but at the end of the day, he pulled me aside and told me he needed to talk to me. These were his words “ok so I need to be honest and tell you something. When I first met you, I thought you were really cute and then cross country started and I got to get to know you and I started to have a little bit of feelings for you, but then I started dating cristina (his ex gf) and she made me straightand I am straight” FAST FORWARD SEVERAL MONTHS Things with Lucas became distant but we still talk a lot but we don’t hang out that much so I had a birthday party and I missed the connection we had so I decided to invite him to my birthday party. I had a bonfire outside with some friends and it was the point of the party where we were all laughs and all loose so we played truth or dare. I realized the fire was gettin low so I went to get firewood and my friend (let’s call her Amanda who knows about the entire thing) decided to ask him “have you ever had a gay moment with him?” And he got really defensive and said “no..no..no...Ugh...why would I” although some friends told me different things but the most common was this. A week later I went to knotts with Amanda and we passed by the ride I mentioned before with the hand holding and I broke down and I texted him a picture saying “#YourGayestMomentEver Remember!?” And he said he didn’t remember so I said “I don’t care if your gay just hold my hand” he later said “oh..”. I later apologized because I wasn’t in the right mindset to do that and he said “it’s okay But thank you for bringing it up because I want to remember sometimes too”. Idk how to interpret that. Please help, Tips to remember •his friends say that he acts different around me than his other friends in good ways •he hasn’t had a relationship since his ex gf •he remembers exact pages in the Bible that mention anything against gay marriage(he doesn’t use it against me, he just remembers it for some reason) •we almost kissed on numerous occasions but it wasn’t like super close it was more we make eye contact for about 10 seconds and we slightly and I mean SLIGHTLY move closer but then he tries to change the subject, but then again it could have been in my head and I haven’t told him how I feel since the first time I did.
Because he said this: “ok so I need to be honest and tell you something. When I first met you, I thought you were really cute and then cross country started and I got to get to know you and I started to have a little bit of feelings for you, but then I started dating cristina (his ex gf) and she made me straight and I am straight” It sounds like he isn't 100% straight and had some feelings for you even if he couldn't let those grow too much. He may have used his ex as a way to confirm his "straightness". It doesn't sound like he understands how sexuality works and it sounds like he is struggling with acceptance likely due to family opinions. You guys are teens so it's understandable that he hasn't worked everything out. He may have forgotten moments because he's genuinely terrified and in denial. Denial is a way we protect ourselves when we don't have another way to cope, it's a very human response we all possess. If that's all he has to protect himself, that's okay. As difficult and painful as this is for you, he needs to work this out in his own time. He needs a good support system who will support him as he works through this. Sometimes though, because we don't have a good support system, we don't have enough resources, and/or because being lgbt is too terrifying or too conflicting we don't come to a place of acceptance. So even if he is gay or bi, he may not come around. It may make things easier on you if you come to a place of acceptance too. To accept that he has a lot of issues to work out before he could be with any guy. To accept he may never come around. To accept you can't make him see or change. If you can, try to be a good friend, give him space, or both. I have a best friend who has accepted they are bi, but say they don't want a romantic relationship with me. Yet by their actions, it seems like they do find me attractive but they are trying to convince themselves they shouldn't be with me. Something has them scared and they aren't ready for love. It's been a painful and confusing road for me. I've acted in ways I shouldn't have that have unintentionally pushed my friend away. It's fustrating to see their attractions, to see their inner conflict spill out, to see the obvious and not so obvious and I cannot change anything about it. I can't snuff out hope, it grows right back, but I'm letting them have their space and focusing my energy to improve myself and my life. Whether they come to realize we are a good pair or not, I want to be ready for a good relationship with someone when the opportunity arrives. Something that might help him, maybe get him a copy of the book "Torn" by Justin Lee.
Okay first of all I'm glad to hear that you have such a good support system of friends who know you're gay and seem invested in your love life. To me it sounds like he isn't completely straight but that he might be dealing with internalized homophobia. It seems like he may have feelings for you but that he's in denial of his sexuality and is using his ex-gf as proof of his 'straightness'. But until he figures himself out and accepts whatever his sexuality may or may not be, he's not in the right frame of mind to be anything more than a friend to you. This is kind of similar to my situation, but what I've realized in my case is that until your friend figures out what they're looking for in a relationship, there's no point in pushing your feelings, or in constantly reminding them how you feel. They aren't ready for anything to happen and pushing the matter is only going to drive them away or to make things awkward. For me I've constantly felt the need to talk things out with my friend, mostly because we haven't really talked about my feelings for her in depth other than me telling her I like her, but every time I bring it up it's just super awkward and uncomfortable and only makes her feel bad because she sees what pain I'm in for her not liking me back. So yeah, your friend may or may not like you, who knows, but until he discovers his sexuality there's not much you can do. If you're really into him you could wait a while and see what happens or you could try and move on and find someone else. After all, you can't spend your life waiting for someone who doesn't want you back. It's a lot of pain for nothing. (This is coming from someone who's having a hard time moving on lol)
Thank you so much, it means a lot to me how long do you think it will take him to discover his sexuality
There's no fixed answer really. And don't forget to keep in mind that we might actually be straight. But yeah it varies from person to person and depends on so many different factors: figuring out his sexuality, accepting it, coming out to people (assuming he has something to tell people), and even then he might not be ready to date anyone or he might not be into you. So yeah, if you really want to wait for him, go for it, but personally I would advise against it. It seems like you have too much invested in him already. What will happen when/if he doesn't like you? How would you feel? It's better to get out before your feelings get too serious.
It's about a young christian guy who slowly realizes and accepts he's gay and his struggles with the stereotypes and myth about being gay. It's helpful for those who might be or were in a similar place. You can check Amazon for a deeper review
There is no page of the Bible that forbids gay marriage. The first known copy of the book of Leviticus was carbon dated to 200 years after Christmas supposed death so it hardly counts as a biblical work and it is the only Christian religious work I have ever seen that correctly references homosexuality in a clear fashion, it was also written in the context of the late romantic empire when people had begun to view the old pagan ways as sinful and since there was ritual gay sex in pagan culture it is likely it was only included in order to increase anti pagan sentiments. Aside from this, it is very likely that since he specifically admitted to thinking you were attractive that he is simply denying to himself that he likes you because of the views he was raised with. Your best chance is to try and gently guide him to understanding that what he was taught about gay people isn't true and someday hopefully he will learn to be happy with himself as he really is.
Hi JoeyCarter, One thing that others haven't mentioned yet: from what you've said, each time he is confronted in a group setting, he denies and says he is not gay. In a group setting. I know it is hard, but eventually you may find he will talk with you individually if you stop making this a group thing, where you stop telling your (dare I say "blabbing") friends the things that you feel, or the interactions you and he have together. He may need privacy, not the spotlight. And he might not be gay. And he might not be straight. Those are just two potential categories on the range of sexuality. For instance, he might be bisexual, or mostly straight but noticing an exception with you.
