I think my relationship is real issue...

Omg you sound like a new woman! What do you think triggered this transformation in your mindset? Can you bottle it up and sell it? Haha

Congrats to you!! It sounds like you are doing the right thing by confronting your current relationship first, then you can work on next steps. Seems like a voice in the back of your mind has finally admitted that not only can you have a happy future, but that it's worth the undoubtedly bumpy road to get there.
Keep us updated!

 

It does seem like an important realization and I'm really happy for you. But please don't be too harsh on yourself. The questioning is not just an escape, it was and is a valid and important part of the process that got you to where you are now. You needed to do exactly what you did.

My situation is a little similar. I have been in a non-relationship for years. We decided to divorce some four years ago but we haven't yet and still live together for various reasons... financial, our daughter, neither of us has anywhere better to go... maybe it comes down to fear of the unknown. My biggest stumbling block is finding work and being economicaly independent. I seem to remember from your other posts you've managed to do that. I admire that you're working towards your freedom in that way... I've been in therapy for three years. Came into it asking - why did I end up with a man who basically can't stand me and me him. The gay questioning only started a year ago. My therapist never addressed it as a separate point which I was initially a little disappointed about and I'm sure some people here would see as wrong and would recommend a special LGBT focused therapist (which mine is not). But I've come to think she's actually right for me. For me the questioning is very much part of a bigger picture where all my feelings, not just sexual ones, have been coming to the surface for the first time in probably decades. This includes questioning my relationships in general and realizing that I have needs and what they are. I somehow never thought that anything better than the non-relatonship I had with my husband was possible or that I 'deserved' any better. I thought relationships are about putting up with things. Well, I'm beginning to see that maybe not. Like you say, it's tied up with self esteem. And although it seems obvious on the mental level, I think this process is about experiencing it not just in your head but in your body and it has its own slow, laborious schedule. Because it's like giving birth to yourself and that shouldn't be rushed not to spoil it.

 

LostinDaydreams- Excellant thoughts to start this thread. Glad to see you facing life head on.
And just maybe somewhere down your path you might find that special someone. Maybe she will be there waiting. Or maybe he will be there.
"Sweet dreams are made of these..." (Eurythmics)
As I've said before-
You go, girl.

 

I think it's an important realisation to come to, but taking it to the next stage and untangling yourself will be difficult and it's one of the reasons I always come back to the same advice about relationship counselling. I think a lot of people see relationship counselling as a process to keep them together, but it's often used to help people to separate and maintain a level of decorum, and when kids are involved we desperately need that. The last thing we want our kids to see is a broken relationship with lots of hate and enmity.

I think you have reached a crossroads now and maybe you are not so LostInDaydreams anymore. Big decisions from here, but I hope we can help you as you begin to branch off.

 

I meant a new "he". A different person, instead of the current person in your life.
Or maybe not. I may have miss read.
Anyway, It is a new year, a new day. Moving forward is what counts. : )

 

I can relate to this - and why, for me at least, my fantasies don't seem real and are possibly symbolic of something else.
I do think confronting reality first would help clarify if the meaning of those fantasies .

 

Ok that makes sense.

Yes, but the question for me at least, are my fantasies something I want in reality or are they symbolic, like a dream?Especially because (and this is where I think are experiences are different) I really like looking at women, I have never seen a man in real life I am attracted to.

I think it remains hidden. But continuing to dwell on fantasies for me at least, is not helpful.

 

That is an interesting question. And I get what you say in your thread about heresy. It's good to be open to all sorts of answers and see one's experience through the lense of different worldviews to see which fits. It may not be relevant to you at all but I have come across something in Jungian literature where same-sex dreams and fantasies are interpreted as finding a connection to oneself, especially to one's body and feelings. The 'other' in them who is not the opposite but somehow the same (because of the same sex) is symbolically a part of oneself. This psychological process of finding oneself on some level (symbolised by the fantasies) doesn't determine whether one will actually be gay in outer reality. I find it interesting that for people who question their sexuality later in life it often seems to go hand in hand with greater self-discovery, self-acceptance, awakened sensitivity, depth of feeling, connection to one's body etc.

 

Thank you! This is very helpful.. a literally said "ah ha! ' when I read it! I have had the weird feeling that my 'gay' fantasies are narcissism, almost having sex with another me...or who i would like to be
@LostInDaydreams for me, personally, (I am not saying this is yours or any other person's experience here) I get a strong hunch the answer for me lies in something like this .... off to Amazon for Jung

 

Ok I think you pretty much nailed how my wife was looking at it. I knew she was bi so I didn't think too much of her reading lesbian erotica (a lot, like she'd always have a story or two on her phone that she would be reading at a time), and she once told me she used to fantasy about leaving me for a women (that's when things were really bad between us). We decided to go to therapy and work on our relationship. We were able to become friends again, I know it's not going to work for everyone but working on the relationship so when you're able to come out to your spouse it's as a friend, its pretty helpful. Not to say it's easy now... but we're working on it. We both want each other to be happy, now we have to go figure out how's that's going to look for us and individually. Currently my wife is at her GFs for new years and I'm good with it. I know this isn't right for everyone, but it was the being friends with my wife that allowed for us to even try and figure out what happy looks like for us.

PS. Getting that friendship back after years can be pretty tough

 

Well, it's a possible trail to follow but even with that I'd be wary of jumping to conclusions. The stuff I remember reading wasn't in Jung himself, I think it was in a book by Marion Woodman and it related to women's experiences while in analysis. But when you said about it being symbolic like a dream, that made me think of how Jungian dream interpretation sees a sexual encounter as a more symbolic union with a part of yourself. So even, say, a disturbing dream involving sex with somebody totally inappropriate can mean the psyche is trying to contact the part of itself that the person symbolises for you.