Just to be clear, I am... 1. Not agonising over this. 2. Totally still sticking to my plan to sort my relationship out first. Honestly! But something has come out of my recent threads/posts - essentially whenever somebody says something that indicates another man in my future is not impossible, I sort of feel a bit defensive. I think that's what it is, I can feel it building up inside me. What's that about? To be honest, I do understand it. The thought has occurred to me too. When I wrote my previous thread, I considered switching from 'lesbian' to 'other' because I don't really feel that I'm questioning, but at the same time, I'm not sure I'll know how I'll feel about other men until I'm single again. At the moment, I feel like that part of me (the part that might form an attraction to anyone) is sort of switched off. I don't really feel anything for anyone in real-life. That might be because I've got other things going on or because I'm just so used to my current relationship that it's hard to imagine anything else. On the other hand, if I imagine myself going on a date with another man, I just can't see myself getting excited about that. It just feels really boring, I guess. For me, there's also something quite empowering about the label 'lesbian'. It'd be like stating that I'm no longer worrying about what anyone else thinks and that I'm living how I want to live. Anyway, I just wanted to write this down and now I'm going to focus on my relationship, like I said I would. I just hate living with uncertainty, but hopefully it's only temporary.
As human beings, we have a tendency to want to keep things neat and reject ambiguity of any sort, and when it comes to our sexuality this is especially true. I think most of us would like to say "I absolutely am..." when it comes to our sexuality, rather than "I'm not sure, right now", but there are times when there is a bit of uncertainty and it's best to not push those feelings aside, even if they feel uncomfortable. It's usually best to let things come and go as they will and just pay attention to how we feel, and know that it usually works itself out in the end. It's fair to say that most people fall somewhere in between 100% straight and 100% gay and I'm no exception to that rule. I'm confident enough in my sexuality to say I am gay, but I don't feel repelled by women. I just know they don't give me the same vibes as men and any relationship I have with women could only ever be platonic. Have I always known that? No, but I worked it out before I came out. For some people it works the other way round though and that's actually okay. I think you're at a point of uncertainty, but you still know enough to continue the journey.
Yes, uncertainty is difficult, and the need to define ambiguities in our lives is powerful. @LostInDaydreams I can understand your defensiveness. You've come a long way and have a clearer idea of what your future may bring. It makes sense that the thought of any potential alternative path could seem threatening to your progress. I think in the long run it's good though. Being not only self-aware, but aware of the realm of possibilities out there - seems like you have a better shot of choosing the right path for you. Happy 2018!
@LostInDaydreams yes, I feel that way too. Or certainly did some time ago and like you wondered what it was about. Didn't come to any conclusions except that I don't like labels because they seem to close off the future. At the moment I'm not at all interested in men but don't want to call myself a lesbian because who knows? For me learning to live in and trust the place of uncertainty is a big part of this process. My mind sees the place as chaos but my heart calls it alive with creative potential. I imagine it like a wrapped present. Maybe even present as in not past or future? Is it about mindfulness and living in the present? Like PatrickUK says above, paying attention to the feelings at any particular moment has also been important and quite a steep learning curve. Developing a relationship with myself, allowing myself feeling reactions that may be unexpected, not taking my responses for granted. I recently read a sticky thread in the Family, Friends and Relationships section of this forum. It's called Looking for a relationship. What I took from it was the idea that one doesn't have to start from the point of wanting a relationship and go looking for the right person for the job. That it's possible to be perfectly happy single and open and meet different people and see how I feel around them. If there happens to be someone whose company I love so much that I want more of it and I want to be closer to them (and of course if they feel the same way) then I might want to have an intimate relationship with them. I really really like that idea. It sounds so beatifully open and accepting. And what a relationship that would be! Totally different than what I've known so far where it started from: I'd like a boyfriend, I could learn to tolerate this one.
Very well said Patrick. I have read peer-reviewed academic journals in psychology on this subject and it seems that the majority of people do indeed fall between 100% straight and 100% gay. I guess it's hard to know these things about oneself because you don't know until you have an experience with someone who changes your perception about which gender(s) you can possibly be attracted to. If you asked me a little over a year ago whether I was attracted to women, I would say "no"...and then I was. So, I guess the moral of the story is to be okay with not having all the answers, and being open to love in whatever form it may land in your lap. At least that's how I see it.
Some times it can be difficult to see clearly who a person is. Sometimes circumstances kind of cloud the view. Sometimes the journey may look confusing. Sometimes the steps along the path maybe unsure. But, maybe the important thing is staying the course. And as much as a person might want to think or believe one thing, if that person is truly honest with themselves then the truth will become clearer. The circumstances surrounding a person will not influence or deter that person from being who they really are. One may be able to face life with confidence and not be swayed by all that is going on around them. Life is not easy. The road is not always smooth. But if one can decide to face all that comes along, then the strides can keep moving forward. And one can seek help with what ever is needed. No need to face something all alone. "The long and winding road, that leads, to your door... Many times I've been alone, and many times I've cried... And still they lead me back, to the long and winding road..." (some lines from the Beatles song) Finding that door that opens to the true person. we each hope to find it and open it. Doesn't change the difficulties of life. Just helps to be able to better face them.
