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Coming out to my mom - a full circle experience

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Woodswoman, Dec 30, 2017.

  1. Woodswoman

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    Hi there! I have a story to share that may or may not speak to somebody out there...a 21-year journey of my mom dealing with my sexuality. Sorry...it's crazy long. I don't know how to keep it short lol.

    When I was 16 or 17, my stepdad cheated on my mom. She found out and they decided to try to save their marriage. My mom, raised Catholic but not practicing during my childhood, turned to a local church for support. She became immersed in the doctrine. She started incorporating bible verses into cards, emails, and everyday conversations. Though I am now deeply spiritual, at the time I just rolled my eyes and tried to stay as far away from her new 'hobby' as possible. She missioned to everybody, trying to share the joy that she had found for herself in Jesus. My stepdad, I don't know. He played along but I don't think God and the church entered his heart like that.

    By this time, I had confessed to a few select friends like I thought I might be bi. I had a couple of crushes throughout 10th-11th grade (girls+guys), then, at the beginning of my senior year, one of my girlfriends kissed me. It was incredibly intense. I was hooked.

    Shortly before 'H' and I kissed, she spent the night at my house. We talked late into the night and it was heavy stuff. We were just at the point of admitting 'feelings' but nothing physical had happened yet. H had asthma, and ended up having an attack that night, not necessarily unusual for her in stressful situations. My stepdad got up to check on my baby sister and apparently heard...whatever he heard. Talking, heavy breathing, some gasping? Omg to think back on it now, I can only imagine what he thought. But seriously, it was just an asthma attack!! His mis-perception would come back to haunt me.

    So my parents noticed that H and I were very close, but I told them nothing. We went on to have a relationship for the rest of the school year. H and I wrote love letters to each other, exchanged sappy Hallmark cards regularly, and spent as much time together as possible. There was a lot of making out and touching, but no full-on sex I suppose you could say. (Sometimes difficult to define with 2 women lol). Our closest circle of friends knew about us, but no one else. Towards the end of senior year, things at home got even more tense than before. My stepdad wasn't changing, I was resentful and wanted nothing to do with either of them, and my mom was frustrated with us both. She was in my mind insane with her new evangelical approach to literally everything. I took great care to hide my sexuality and my relationship with H because I knew....

    Within a week of my graduation, my mom and I argued terribly. I don't even remember what it was about. All I know is that she went into my room and started looking. My parents until that point had always respected my room as my personal space. I don't even know what she was looking for. But what she found was a pile of cards and letters from H.
    Boom, my world seemed to explode.

    This was the week before graduation. The culmination of my entire life up until that point. And I felt like my mom ruined it. She forced me to sit and be interrogated, a couple hours one day, an hour the next, etc. Her and my stepdad asked me so many questions. I lied as much as I could to protect myself. I felt so humiliated. My stepdad brought up the asthma attack night with H. I was of course unable to convince them that nothing had happened. Even in the months that followed, we'd never had 'sex'! It didn't matter what I said, truth or lies. The cards and letters they'd found proved an unnatural romantic relationship. My mom and stepdad were convinced I was seriously troubled, acting out, that H had manipulated me, that I was likely also doing other derogatory things like drinking and drugs. Then, layer all of that with my mom's relatively newfound faith that I had zero respect for. She reached out to church leaders that week, organizing a sort of intervention. The church decided to involve H and her parents as well. She went through her own hell at home. Me, H, and both sets of parents were called in to a church meeting where there was further humiliating interrogation. The church gave my mom pamphlets on gay conversion therapy, the sin of homosexuality, one about how gay relationships are really co-dependencies brought on by lack of proper love and role models in childhood. Of course, she tried shoving all of this nonsense down my throat. While making me feel like a criminal, heathen, and worst of all, unloved.

    I felt so betrayed. I was a good kid, good grades, part-time job, honors in everything, helped out with my kid sister at home all the time, held leadership positions at school, had first chair for my instrument in a large metro county several years in a row, all-state, full scholarship to college, didn't party.... I felt they had no fucking right to tell me anything, let alone who I could love or even spend my free time with. Ugh!

    H and I had moments where we clung to each other even more tightly, then moments of noticeable distance as we processed who we were becoming in our parents' eyes. She was a 'good' kid too. Yet our reputations and character were quickly, aggressively chipped away by those who were supposed to love and support us the most. The night of graduation was horrible. My dad came from out-of-state to attend, and my mom decided it was the right time to tell him her conclusions about me. Further humiliation...but at least my dad still expressed love towards me. My mom only expressed disgust, disappointment, and a feverish desire to get me to acknowledge I'd done wrong and accept Jesus as my savior.

    Part 2 coming up
     
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  2. Woodswoman

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    Part 2

    So high school was over, my mom prayed for my twisted soul every day, H and I were essentially banned from having any contact. Of course we found ways around that over the course of the summer. We worked at the same place, so it was fairly easy. We were both traumatized, in a way. It definitely put a strain on things...many months later H decided she couldn't be gay, after all. She slowly pulled away, questioning. I did my best to respect what she was going through...I was having similar doubts even though I knew I loved her immensely. We eventually broke up, but went to college together and had a good friendship for the most part for years. Back in the closet I went. I guess you could say we both did. That was in 1997.

    I avoided talking to my parents about anything, not just sexuality. I couldn't trust them. Any contact with my mom was peppered with religious nonsense that meant nothing to me. They had no idea that H and I went off to the same college, until a year later when somehow it slipped out. And so began a whole new round of disappointment, humiliation, and rejection from family...this time more extended family were aware and I avoided gatherings like the plague. My mother wrote me a letter saying that by choosing a gay lifestyle, I was giving up my family and my family's love. She was done...her prayers hadn't worked. She cut off the little financial assistance she was providing. Why did no one in my family reach out to me or tell my mother how wrong her actions were? The worst part was, H and I weren't even together anymore! And hadn't been the whole time in college. Do you think anyone believed us?

    This round of drama was shorter-lived, thank god. I lived many states away and was doing my thing. My straight thing lol, but I actually wasn't dating at all. Just focused on school and work, like I was supposed to be doing. A few more years go by...

    My fourth year in, I met an amazing guy. We became fast friends and everybody thought it was inevitable that we start dating. Little did we know at first, we both had the same secret - we were gay. Once revealed to each other, we explored gay life - clubs, bars, groups, TV shows. I felt like a years-long fog was lifting from me. I was then old enough to do whatever I wanted - my parents couldn't control anything anymore. So freeing! I gradually came to accept myself and that I really wanted to be with a woman. My friend was great, in his way, he brought the best out of me in so many ways besides sexuality. I miss him! I testing the dating waters, and found an amazing woman to love.

    I decided from then on that I wasn't hiding from my family anymore. When the woman I loved was removed from my world (against either of our wishes - another long story), I was heartbroken and needed support in the worst way. I returned to my family's hometown area and stayed with the only family member that didn't have a problem with me. I slowly healed and started to rebuild my life. I gradually reached out to more family. They slowly got to know me as the responsible adult that I was. I didn't end up smoking crack in the gutters of Philly because I was gay, haha. That's the impression many of them seemed to have at first. I told my mother that I really was gay. I also told her about everything that happened with my lost relationship. I was unapologetic. She toned down her act to 'love the sinner, hate the sin.' I tried not to let it get to me because, dammit I needed my mom in my life lol.

    A few years go by and I get into a committed relationship with another woman. Right from the start, I decided that everybody in my life was going to know how it was and they could either accept it or just leave us alone. I had to be open and honest about my home life or else I'd go crazy. Hiding and lying is so poisonous, no matter how warranted. There were certainly some people and family members that didn't 'approve,' but I didn't really give a fuck anymore and so just kept my distance. I just tried to be the best person I could be - my girlfriend did too. I tried to forgive my parents for their misguided responses back in high school. This was tough.

    Gradually, we became just another couple. totally normal people just trying to get by like everyone else. After 10 years, I feel like its rare that anyone in our lives even thinks about the gay/lesbian aspect of our lives anymore. With my mother, I was honest from the start. I insisted on bringing my girlfriend to all family events, just like all of my cousins did with their partners. Did I push it in their faces? You're damn right I did. But I also showed love for them and a genuine care for how everybody's lives were going. Widespread acceptance didn't take very long when just being ourselves. We're not boogey-women!

    Unfortunately, my 10+ year relationship has recently ended. My mom came to the area to visit for the holidays this past week, and I wanted more than anything to be able to vent to her about what I've been going through with the breakup. But, although my mom gradually accepted that my girlfriend was simply a part of my life, like it or not, the last time we talked about the 'gay' issue, she was still blubbering religious nonsense. However, this was many years ago. Being single again after so long feels kind of like I have to come out of the closet all over again. I don't know if that makes sense, but it's true. It brought up a lot of memories and feelings from the past, where I wasn't accepted for being gay. I've never really been open with my mother about the details of my relationships.

    A good friend advised me to just let my guard down and give my mom a chance to be the support I needed. So, last night, I did just that. I tentatively began talking about all the issues with my ending relationship. My mom tentatively listened, but I could tell she was eager to hear me out. So I kept going, and going haha. Every so often I asked if she was comfortable talking about this. She heard me out, empathized, and reassured me about my decisions. I even told her about an attraction I had last year while still committed, and then about a recently developed friendship that I wished could be more. My mom was, compared to 21 years ago when this all began, a completely new person. Though I know she is still active in church, she didn't say one word about religion or her beliefs to me. In fact, the words 'no judgement here' actually spilled out of her mouth. It was like a golden fountain to me. So so healing after the trauma of our pasts. After I'd told her everything I could think of, she reciprocated and shared details of her past relationships that I had no idea about. It was bonding as it should have been so long ago....

    I feel lighter today.

    Thanks for listening EC peeps!
     
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  3. LostInDaydreams

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    Thank you for sharing @Woodswoman.

    I'm so sorry to hear about your family's reaction when you were younger. It must have been so difficult. I don't really know what to say. However, I am really pleased that things have changed recently and that you were able to talk about your relationship with your mum. It must be a positive feeling.
     
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  4. Mabel

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    Wow! I know we have talked about this stuff, , but there is so much you went through that I did not know! It makes me appreciate your bravery in talking to her the other night so much more! I’m really happy for the turn things took for you. I’m so happy you have the love and acceptance you deserve xo
     
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  5. Woodswoman

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    @LostInDaydreams and @Mabel thank you. I forgot to include the part where she picketed in the streets when the state legislature was considering passing a gay marriage law. That was tough to swallow. Yesterday, she and I were in the grocery store and I ran into a (lesbian) friend. My friend told me she was planning to propose to her girlfriend tonight on new year's eve. I told her congrats of course! Then after parting, told my mom what my friend was planning. My mom said 'whoo-hoo, exciting!'

    I can't believe what a 180-degree change has taken place. It's incredible and a bit disorienting lol. So glad I have better times to look forward to with her!
     
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  6. Silveroot

    Silveroot Guest

    At first when I read this I didn't know what to say. It seems like it took a lot of patience, resilience and courage for you to go through all that. You are what someone might call a hero. You have been brave, I don't know if I would be as courteous to try and rebuild bridges with family after what took place if I were you.

    I hope all goes well, may you have a Happy New Year.
     
  7. Woodswoman

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    Thank you. A hero haha - far from it! Honestly, it's just that I knew they didn't understand. People are afraid of what they don't understand...the unknown.
    My family (and my mom even) are generally good people. They acted out of fear. I feel like if I didn't give them the chance to learn and grow, I'd be selling both them and myself short.
     
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