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How to make an acquaintance become a friend

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Growing, Dec 1, 2017.

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  1. Growing

    Growing
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    I have accepted that the married man that I like has a family and that there is no hope of a long term relationship. He definitely likes men but maybe he will spend his life having discreet hook ups. I won't waste my life in that way.

    However I do enjoy his company. Our interactions are brief. We meet at gym and just chat briefly in the changing room and make polite conversation. He definitely suspects that I am gay. He never spurns my efforts to chat to him. But our chats are polite. He never asks me personal questions but I suspect he also wonders what I want from him.

    I want friendship from him but don't know how to move it from the acquaintance zone to the friends zone. He's always rushing home from gym. I am very nervous about asking him for coffee in case he thinks that I'm hitting on him. But I am lonely for male company my age and would like this guy as a friend. We are in our mid forties and he has a wife and young kids.

    I feel desperate and embarrassed but I enjoy my brief chats with him so much. Any support or advice appreciated.
     
    #1 Growing, Dec 1, 2017
  2. Blue Nails

    Blue Nails
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    Heyy! :slight_smile:

    Maybe you can get his cell number or add him on social media? You could message him on facebook or text him. Since you both seem to like working out, you could ask him if he wants to go for a run in the morning, or hiking.

    If you have your birthday coming up or maybe for Christmas you could invite him over (and ask him if he would like to bring his family as well so it clears away him thinking you're hitting on him).

    I hope this helped a bit.. tell me how it goes!
     
    #2 Blue Nails, Dec 2, 2017
  3. Shasta

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    Ask him if he wants to go to lunch with you or cup of coffee
     
    #3 Shasta, Dec 3, 2017
  4. brightside80

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    any updates?
     
    #4 brightside80, Dec 28, 2017
  5. Growing

    Growing
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    I haven't seen him in a while but I have resolved to be more direct and ask him to go for a drink. I want to rid myself of romantic notions and view him as a friend that I want to get to know. I have been clinging to a fear that he'll decline the offer and thereby reject me but now I'm of the mind that that's not the case.
    If he doesn't have time for a friendship so be it.

    But there is something there. He masturbates in the shower knowing that I have occasionally viewed. He knows that I like him and passively engages with me but doesn't ignore me as one might expect a closeted person to do. It's almost as if he welcomes some development (maybe for a sexual outlet). I cannot understand if he is a straight identifying bi or a closeted gay.
     
    #5 Growing, Dec 29, 2017
  6. Chiroptera

    Chiroptera
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    If he is married, I think your best option is to avoid a deeper relationship with him, even if "only a friendship".

    You are attracted to him, so, even if you have a clear understanding of how cheating is wrong and how it could complicate not only his life, but yours too, trying to connect with someone in the way you suggest could lead to problems, in my opinion.

    Furthermore, if he seems to welcome advance (showing a interest beyond just friendship), it is possible that he has no problems crossing the boundaries of his relationship, which, again, could quickly lead to problems to both of you, even if you are trying to tell yourself that he is just a friend. This is further supported by the fact that he masturbates in the showers in front of you, which is really inappropriate, especially for a married man.

    You say you want to get rid of romantic notions and view him as a friend. However, judging by what you said, I think your best option is to avoid pursuing a deeper relationship with him (even if "just a friendship"), and not the other way around.

    I'm not saying that a friendship isn't possible, but at the moment, you are attracted to him, and it is possible that he has some issues with boundaries and his relationship. Trying to pursue a friendship in this condition could lead to more problems than solutions in my opinion.
     
    #6 Chiroptera, Dec 29, 2017
    Growing, nebraska jones and Elendil like this.
  7. Elendil

    Elendil
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    I agree with Chiroptera, in situations where you're already attracted to someone trying to establish a friendship may not be the best idea if you're trying to accept that nothing (romantically) will come of it. Getting closer could lead to heartache for you if your feelings for him aren't totally resolved. I know as I tried this a couple of times and I ended up feeling miserable until I stopped trying.

    It's weird that he'd exhibit himself in front of you like that and it would make me very uncomfortable knowing that a married man was doing that for my benefit. Sounds like he my have issues with his relationship and that could lead to dark territory pretty quickly. Honestly I think you'd be better avoiding him as much as possible, at least until you're certain the attraction you feel has passed.
     
    #7 Elendil, Dec 29, 2017
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  8. Growing

    Growing
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    Thanks for those replies. Wise words. I do wonder about the state of his relationship behaving like that in the shower. I wondered if he was simply an exhibitionist or whether he was specifically looking for a response from a male.
    I agree that there are boundary issues on both our parts. I am craving male emotional connection (more than physical but the latter is desired also).
    Why would a married man behave like that in a shower? Do you think he is gay/bi or straight?
     
    #8 Growing, Dec 29, 2017
  9. Chiroptera

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    Maybe he is closeted and thinks that's a good way to find a partner, or maybe he simply doesn't understand why that is inappropriate. Anyway, in my opinion, even if he was single, that is a red flag: Masturbation isn't wrong, but it is something done in private, not in public places, especially near other people. Even if you just want a hook up, masturbating in front of the person you are interested is obviously not the best approach.

    Either way, as i said, whether you are pursuing a relationship (friends or more) or just a hook up, judging by what you describe, this guy seems to be full of issues. People may change and, if he is indeed gay/bi, it is possible that he changes in the future (either by breaking up with his wife or opening their relationship in an honest way and understanding that masturbating in a non-private place is not ok), but that's his path, and i don't think there's much you can do at this point without emotional risks for you.
     
    #9 Chiroptera, Dec 29, 2017
  10. resu

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    There are so many other non-married guys out there! Try not to settle for this guy because you see him so often.
     
    #10 resu, Dec 29, 2017
  11. Growing

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    @Chiroptera thanks for the response. He actually masturbates privately in the shower cubicle with the door closed but I noticed the shadows and could tell that he was masturbating. That is why I was confused why he did it every day. Maybe he has a fetish for relieving himself that way.
    When he realized that someone was stealing glances under the cubicle he didn't stop but carried on. That is why I am confused about what he's thinking.

    I appreciate that observing him was wrong on my part but I couldn't help myself. But what is he getting from it (apart from the obvious sexual release). Is he enjoying having another man deriving pleasure from this act? Or is he hoping that it prompts an actual hookup? I'm confused about his mindset.
     
    #11 Growing, Dec 29, 2017
  12. Chiroptera

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    It is impossible to understand his mindset only by your posts, really. There can be a number of reasons why he does that, and it is hard to judge that through the internet based on your view of the situation.

    As I already said, I think that pursuing something (friendship or more) with this man wouldn't be healthy for you. I understand you are confused, but asking yourself questions like "what if...", "what is he thinking...", "what if I..." will not help you to detach of the situation and your interest on him.

    As resu said, there are many men who are available for a healthy friendship or more. The best thing for you now is to try and move on from this man. Distract yourself with other things, try looking for other people (see this thread), and avoid trying to seek details that could make this possible, or you will only hurt yourself and/or making it more difficult for you to move on and find a meaningful relationship.
     
    #12 Chiroptera, Dec 30, 2017
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