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Realizing later in life

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Inhfoml1, Dec 29, 2017.

  1. Inhfoml1

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    Hello! I am a 30 year old woman who has been married to a man for a little over a year. Up until a few months ago, I believed I was strictly into men. Of course, I always found women attractive, but I was never really exposed to many lesbians or any women who were technically available to me in a sense. Also, I always assumed being gay I would either have to be attracted to women who were more masculine or "girly girls". Neither of which seemed to fit for me. About 4 months ago, I ran into a friend of mine from high school who is a lesbian. She is neither butch nor overly girly. We hung out at the bar all night ignoring everyone and I ended up coming onto her. The kissing was more intense then any kissing I'd ever had with any man. I ended up taking her home where we continued to hook up. My husband was actually there and got slightly involved however it was mostly her and I. Side note, at this point in my life I felt like something was missing and life was just sort of blah. Once this incident occurred I instantly felt happier, livelier, and peppier. A sexual awakening would be the best description. All I could think about was hooking up with her again without my husband being involved. So much so that I even asked him if I could do this. He obviously told me no. The urge never went away, in fact it has only intensified. The girl and I have continued to keep in contact. We text from sun up to sun down essentially. I feel such an insane emotional and physical connection with her and she has expressed the same to me. We have hung out several times since then and have kissed among other things. I know this is wrong and I have felt guilt over it. However, I have noticed since this that it was almost as if a flip has been switched. I feel no attraction for men as of late. Zero. And all I can think about is hooking up with her. Also, I feel attraction to other women now. I began to notice things in my life before that may indicate I have always been gay and it was just subdued. Ever since I was young the thought "am I gay" would pop into my head. This has happened my whole life but I just ignored it. I waited until I was a senior in high school to actually kiss or do anything with a man. The opportunities were there I just never took them. In college I would always hook up with men but never have sex. Overall I have had sex with a few men in my life but only 2 have been consistent. My first real relationship with a man where I had consistent sex was in sophomore year of college. I never really loved sex with a man. Of course I have had some enjoyable sex with men in my life but overall I've always felt kind of indifferent about it and most of the time I found myself wishing it would end sooner. At some point in our relationship I found I was avoiding sex and felt something was missing. I thought it was just the guy and I was no longer into him so we broke up. I shortly began dating my now husband. I had more attraction for him and we were together for 4 years before we got married. However, again I felt something was missing in my life, this feeling of not being fully happy but not knowing why and I again had no interest in sex. Given this, i still always have a high libido and masturbate almost daily. I have always been overly intrigued when I've hung out with a lesbian. Asking a million questions about their sex lives and relationships. I watch a lot of lesbian porn and find myself fantasizing about women. I have begun to realize the intense emotional connection I feel with a woman is something I crave in contrast to the emotions/communication with a man. I have gotten to the point where being around my husband makes me feel anxious and uncomfortable and I have no desire to be intimate. I feel like I need to end things with him and be true to myself but I just hate the pain that will come out of it for him and our families. I'm just looking for advice and support really. Any thoughts on the situation. Thoughts on being gay and not knowing it until now. anyone who had experienced something similar.
     
  2. LostInDaydreams

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    Hi, welcome to Later in Life. :slight_smile:

    Our stories aren't exactly the same, but I can relate to many of the feelings you describe.

    It's a really tough decision, whether to your husband/partner and explore these feelings or not. It's one that I'm still working my way through.

    What's your relationship like generally? Do you think your husband is aware that something is up? Would he be open to you exploring these feelings, perhaps just going along to LGBT group? There are lots of different ways to move forward.

    Well done on your progress so far. :slight_smile:
     
  3. Inhfoml1

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    Up until this point I felt like my relationship was fine. I loved my husband, he's a great guy. We got a long well. A bit before the encounter I had begun feeling like my life was stale and I had these feelings of blah and I guess this is life but couldn't place why. It wasn't until the experience and talking with her that I realized maybe what was missing in my life what that I am not meant to be with a man. I started to realize qualities In a woman that were not there in a man. Such as a more fluid communication, more emotions, listening and understanding that I have never gotten from him or any other man. Now the fact that his and my communication and our emotional connection is no where on that level is all I can see. It sticks out like a sore thumb. Among other things I'm realizing, including no sexual desire to be with him or any man anymore. When he touches me I feel anxious and uncomfortable. Ive had sex with him once since everything, and I just wanted it to be over.

    I definitely think he knows something is going on with me. I just can't be as intimate and affectionate as I was before. It just so happens that my father was diagnosed with brain cancer last month so I think he may be attributing a lot of how I'm being to that.

    I know I will eventually tell him the feelings I'm having and things I've discovered about myself but I know he will be devastated. I can't see staying in the marriage and exploring women as that is not something I think is fair to him or anyone else. But I also can't see just going back to normal life and ignoring the things I now know and feel.

    Just a side note, I've always wanted kids. Once we got married I became terrified of having kids and decided I didn't want them. He adamantly wants kids and has told me if I didn't then we wouldn't work out. We haven't discussed this in some time. I'm not sure if the decision to not have kids is because I really don't want them or if it's this subconscious part of me knowing I shouldn't have kids bc I have not been true to myself and I will be stuck....

    Thanks for your reply!
     
  4. LostInDaydreams

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    I'm sorry to hear about your father's diagnosis. That must be difficult for all of you.

    There's no rush for you to do anything. It's a lot to process and work though. I've not discussed my sexuality with my partner either, so can't really offer you any advice on that one. There are others on EC who have, so hopefully they'll be along soon. There's no right way to do this. You have to do what's best for you and your husband.

    I wouldn't say that you'd necessarily be stuck if you had children. There'd be more to consider, but you wouldn't be stuck. If you do separate from your husband, it doesn't necessarily mean that children will never happen either.

    No worries. Any questions, just post/ask.
     
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  5. Lipstick Leuger

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    Pretty much my story actually....
     
  6. Inhfoml1

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    I'm sorry to hear you're having a rough time as well. If you ever want to chat let me know!
     
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  7. beenthrdonetht

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    This is a pretty important point, and I think the correct diagnosis is your second option. Just a side note, hah! (I'm teasing don't feel bad.)
     
  8. DesireEyes

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    Your story sounds almost identical to mine except I have been married for 11 years and have 2 children. After I had kids I was so focused on motherhood, but that feeling that something was missing in my relationship was always there and just got bigger and bigger as the years went on, which led to more unfulfilment and misery. It wasn't until I met someone like you have that shook my whole world and who I could not deny my feelings and attraction towards did I truly start to understand myself and the root of my emptiness inside. I came out to my husband 2 months ago and we are in the beginning stages of separation. This year is going to be hard but I finally see a light at the end of the dark tunnel I have been living in. All I can say is you are lucky to have recognized this before having children with your husband. He and I both wish we could split and not have to be in touch anymore and move on, but we are linked for life because of our kids. He will always be in my life and that makes it so much harder to move on but our children are the most important people in our lives and we are committed to being good parents for them. I have not come out to my kids yet and don't plan on it until I am publically out or in a non-closeted relationship.
     
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  9. pasinhose

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    the thing is they come in small steps at first. often with a lot of denial. but they do intensify over time. as someone who discovered his true sexuality later on in life looking back I would join a support group such as meet up and meet people of the same sex. from there you would get to talk, touch and feel everyone's stories and from there you can make a decision on whether to move on or stay with your marriage. I am not an advocate for marriages breaking up however I know of two couples that were friends where both wives came out as gay and moved on. yes, there was pain involved but ultimately it was for the better for all. do not put a timeline on it and say....well oh by June or July. it makes take weeks or months or years....or just days. its how you feel in your heart and your head.
     
  10. Inhfoml1

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    Haha I don't feel bad! Tease away! Thanks for your reply
     
  11. Inhfoml1

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    Thanks for your reply. I am sorry to hear that you will be going through a rough time, but I am also happy that you figured this out for yourself and are making steps toward you're own happiness. If you don't mind me asking, how did you approach the subject with your husband? How did he take it? I understand every situation is unique, just looking to hear someone else's experience!
     
  12. Inhfoml1

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    Thank you! Yes, I definitely feel like the feelings have intensified just over the last few months. I can only imagine how they will develop over time. I have a few gay friends who I have been sharing my feelings with and they have been very supportive. I will definitely look into some support groups. I understand these things take time as well. I guess I'm just not sure how to keep going forward like everything is fine when I do not feel like it is. Especially when I can't seem to act normal around my husband even when I try to. I don't think it's fair to keep him in the dark for too much longer when I know he can tell something is going on. I am planning to see a therapist to sort out these feelings and hopefully figure out what needs to be done. I appreciate your response!