Well, hello. Now that I've started this thread I don't know how to begin. I really don't know what I'm doing, or what I am. Geez this is hard to even write, what is wrong with me. I think I may be either bi or lesbian. Where did this come from? How do I suddenly get such an unexpected crush at this stage of life? My current problem is I don't know how to figure it out. And even if I did figure it out, what can I do about it. I have no one I can talk to. Found out in a probing conversation my best friend has religious objections to same sex couples. No one else I know is approachable on the topic either. What do I do when I am not sure, and don't want to treat anyone like an experiment. So I suppose unless someone magically approaches me, and why would anyone- they have no reason to think I would welcome it, I will never know. I've looked for meetups/groups something to at least meet people. But I chicken out. One major hurdle, even if I got up the courage to go through with it to begin with, everything I find has someone I know involved. I just want to find somewhere I don't know anyone so I can figure out what I need to figure out without making a fool of myself. I don't know how to do this.
Hi @fireami. Welcome to EC It's difficult to know where to start, isn't it? So, well done on writing your first post on here. Big step! I also have nobody in real-life to talk to about all this, for different reasons. I've found EC to be hugely insightful and supportive throughout this process. You can talk to us and we'll try to help. How long have you been questioning?
@fireami most of us start out here on EC for many of the same reasons you have mentioned. I have found for me that this outlet has allowed me to articulate my true feelings without feeling judged for them. By the responses I receive my feelings I have for women no longer seem wrong to me. You ask the question-why me, why now. Perhaps those questions have always been there, but in our youth we are told what is right, what we should do, and how to act. As we age opinions from others become less important and we begin to find ourselves. This happens in all aspects of life as we mature, not just sexuality, but as you become more confident in yourself you can become more true to yourself. Are you a lesbian or bi, I don’t know, but in time you’ll figure it out. When I first started questioning I thought I was bi, I had only ever been with men, I’m married to a man and I have a child. Now I know I am a lesbian, it doesn’t change the person I am, just who I am attracted to. What you do know is you have feelings for the same sex and in time you will figure out what that means for you. We are here when you need us!
I had such such second thoughts after posting this last night. Thank you for the welcome. It's been several months now. It started, boom, out of the blue earlier this year. Maybe it doesn't really matter, I can't do anything about it at this stage in my life anyway. It'd be easier to ignore if I could just stop thinking about it.
Welcome @fireami You're in the right place. Lots of folks have come here feeling like there is no hope for change, only to learn that they aren't alone and there are in fact options. If you'd like to share, what is your situation? Married, kids, etc.?
At times, I think a lot of us have wished we could just stop thinking about it. I know that I did. Why do you feel that you can't do anything about it?
Ok, deep breaths. I was previously married, which is where the kids came from, lol. So I have kids but am single and have been for a while. For the question I assume will come up, marriage broke up for different reasons way before I had any inkling of any of this. Why do I feel I can't do anything about it? Various reasons. Partly fitting it in with child responsibilities. Mostly that I have no idea what I'm doing or what I should do about it. And honestly, fear. Fear of the unknown.
Speaking as someone who fell in love with someone unavailable and finally realised in her forties that she is not straight, who has children and is now separating for a variety of reasons, including sexuality, who felt so lonely and sad that she went on an online lesbian dating site and found someone in a similar pickle (in the process of separating, with kids, but had never slept with a woman) - I would say just be true to yourself as there is no correct way to be gay - you are what you are....And yes, the unknown frightens me every day and it frightens her...but when you think about it nobody has any certainity in this life...they just think they do...
@fireami I can understand your concerns with regards to childcare, but unless I'm missing something, the obstacles (i.e. time) would be the same for heterosexual dating. Are there any LGBTQ groups near you? Perhaps you could go along, see how you feel about it.
Hey. Welcome to EC. Sorry to hear that you’re struggling with this. Can I ask, was there a particular trigger that made you start questioning yourself? For example, for me, I was watching a program that had lesbian themes in it and at one point a couple were affectionate to each other, and I don’t mean sexually btw. But my brain spoke up out of no where and went ‘awwww I want that’ followed by ‘oh not this again’ then followed by ‘oh not this again what?? What does that even mean? Wtf?’ And my questioning begun. Along with a lot of fear and anxiety too... Now after a lot of soul searching, processing and being truly and brutally honest with myself, i now identify as gay whereas i would have sworn blind that I was straight as an arrow only a year and a half ago. My point being that You’re not alone in this believe me, we’ve all been there that’s for sure.
I am dyslexic and recently began suspecting that I also have some type of Attention Deficit Disorder (I keep forgetting things, small and big; my attention strays out of control; I have practically no recollection of my childhood; ...) AND YET, as many times as I have ignored or forgotten my gay feelings, as many times as I shave upressed them and kept them for the absolute privacy of my innermost thoughts, as many times as I rationalized that am a father of two young boys, at this stage in my life I cannot deny the pleasure (pride?) I get when I tell myself, silently, that I am gay. I am not out--well, I guess I am out to myself now. And I plan to share my thoughts and feelings with a therapist I had visited a few years back for my marital problems, so I have fears and hesitations--but also a great inner joy, or at least the feeling that there is some wonderful joy to be experienced in 2018. I guess all these years I too was telling myself that "I can't do anything about it at this stage in my life anyway." Today being my first day in Empty Closets I am doing something! All the best to you for the coming new year!
I don't claim that all the reasons are strictly related to non-mainstream lifestyle issues. Childcare is simply an issue that complicates my life, yes either way. I am not comfortable with the idea of the LGBTQ groups I am aware of. People I know are members of those groups. I want to figure this out without/before outing myself. I have no desire to look like a complete idiot. And so I cycle back to feeling stuck, unable to figure this out. I developed a crush on someone. And after that, also began taking more notice of women in general.
Apologies, I wasn't trying to suggest that's what you were claiming. That's understandable if you know people who are members of those groups. However, I would hope that nobody would think you were an idiot, particularly if they've also questioned their sexuality. But, I can relate to your concerns, I've worried about getting it wrong and having to back track. Perhaps tell us where specifically it is that you're getting stuck and hopefully one of us will be able to help you.
Oh ok, I see. Do you still have feelings for this person? I know this is annoying but the main thing for me was time, yep it sucks as I just wanted answers straight away. My mind would constantly flick back and forth, do I like women? Do I like men? Maybe I like both? Why has this happened now etc... But when I really took the time and thought about it there were actually a lot of signs growing up that I was never as straight as I always presumed, it was just heteronormativity that kept me going along that path even though I never felt particularly comfortable or happy with that. One of the main things that helped me was that when I used to think of my future with a man it made me feel very sad but mostly disappointed like I would think ‘is this all there is’ and I just supposed that I had to go along with it as it’s what everyone did. But those thoughts made me so unhappy But when I pictured my future with a woman I felt happy and like ‘yes this is it, this is right’ and i actually look forward to it instead of dreading it or feeling like I was resigning to my life. Also don’t forget that sexuality is fluid and it changes and shifts all the time. I’m sure you’re not the same person you was yesterday in other aspects of your life, an opinion may have changed because of new info or whatever. And you won’t be exactly the same person tomorrow as you are today etc... The main thing is to give yourself time and to not stress about it. Just give yourself a break and pay attention to what you feel as and when those feelings, whatever they may be happen. Oh and listen to your gut instinct too, the brain is very powerful and is great at talking you out and into things. Try to bypass the bullshit if you can and pay attention to what makes you feel comfortable and happy. Just a few things there to consider maybe
Thank you SquareBiz for your reply. Yes, I still have feelings for her. I can't do anything about it, no matter what I decide. She is unavailable. So many thoughts, maybe I can make more clear sense of them in a bit. Need time to elaborate more.
I began questioning the same way, I realized I was attracted to my best friend, and she to is unavailable. Once I allowed myself to accept that there was nothing wrong with the feelings I was having, it became easier to accept myself for who I am. You’ll get there. Keep sharing, it really does help the process.
Fireami - I know it won't seem like it now, but in a way there are advantages to not having been able to act on your feelings for this particular woman - as they will always be mixed up with the pain and trauma of this period of self-discovery. If you - at some later point - find you have feelings for another - at least they will be untainted by the pain of realising so late in life that you are not straight....if that makes any sense? Do you think you will regret not acting on your attraction to women as you review your life on your deathbed? Take the time to disentangle your feelings and attractions to people in general....and to accept that they may not be black and white...
