To wait or not to wait? Any ideas?

Congrats on all your achievements so for! See? You can do it.

As far as talking to your partner, you could have small general conversations about the state of your relationship, planting that seed that it may be/is most likely over. I don’t think you necessarily have to bring up your sexuality right now. I suppose if he refuses to acknowledge that it could be over, you’d want to explain to him that, yes, it is and for this reason.

Are you still in contact with that course mate who split with their partner? Maybe you could meet up for a chat about how that went. Get a bit of live support.

Maybe after the three months, you’ll have a better idea of which way you’re going to go with this. Have the hard conversation and move on or get your job sorted and then make the move.

You’ve got this!

 

@Really summed this up.
You know I may be the last person to advise as I am dealing with my own mess..
There needs to be balance between time, your feelings, and finances. Really gave you advice on 3 months mark - very reasonable. Thats a great idea. You have daughter and need to be good financially so that at least it is easier to focus on your emotional well being if you separate.
Hugs to you..

 

I agreed with most of what was said above but with one exception: I don't believe there's such a thing as "planting a seed" for breaking up your marriage. I think any slight hint at wanting to separate is going to rock that boat in a potentially serious way. So if you're not ready to do that, I wouldn't plant any seeds yet.

Your first priority is setting up your situation so you can have a roof over your head and basic expenses paid once you separate. Bravo to you for doing all that you've done already towards that goal...you're almost there! Once you feel you can support you and your child, I would say that's the time to have the conversation about separating. I just don't see the purpose of talking about that now, before you can actually separate. Honestly, what would that do besides make life hell at a time when you're stuck there?

 

Sounds like you have made a lot of progress so far. I agree with much that has been said. You want to make sure you have your basic needs covered. I’m not sure if talking to him will lead to the topic being off your mind like you hope. When I started talking about things, I found it harder to concentrate. I work in sales, and my numbers were impacted for a period of time due to the stress. After my boss pulled me aside, I took a little time off to regroup and I’m more on track again. Ultimately you have to decide what feels right for you. Best wishes as you figure this out

 

Hey good job on your progress so far! I think you've taken great steps in the right direction!
Hmm I agree with taking the 3 months to further evaluate your job/options, and it will hopefully give you time to build a small financial cushion. However, the day care thing is tricky. You say it will be more expensive if you and your partner don't agree to another term? Then maybe you should agree to it and just plan (If you can) on contributing your half even if you end up in separate homes.
Again, good job! Keep us updated

 

Your workplace doesn’t have daycare, does it? Or employee assistance for daycare? Couldn’t hurt to check.

 

A potential student once approached Socrates and asked him how one is to learn philosophy.

Socrates took the youth to a lake, and brought him into the water. When they were up to their necks, Socrates suddenly plunged the youth underwater and kept him there, flailing, until just the last minute when he finally pulled him up out of the water. The youth, gasping for air exclaimed "What did you do that for? Did you want to kill me?! Socrates answered that if he wanted to kill him he would not have pulled him up.

Socrates went on to explain "You must desire philosophy to the same extent that you desired that one breath of air while underwater..."

It isn't a question of how, it is a question of how much you desire to live a life that is better. Until you get to that point, of certainty and commitment, you can endure any how...as long as you have a why!

 

Coming out to my husband was the hardest thing I have ever done. After years of me being miserable in the marriage but not yet in touch with my sexuality, then the last 12 months coming to terms slowly with understanding who I am but still fighting against it and trying to convince myself I could stay together for the kids. Finally after watching my husband try and try and make huge changes and even moving our whole family to save our marriage, I had to come out, I couldn't live another day without doing it. 2 months later and I am now living a new day to day hell of sorts but I have hope. I have hope that this time next year we will all be in a much better place. Whereas this time last year I felt so trapped, so confused and so so scared. Time will heal all of us. You will be the only one to know when the time is right for you. Sending you courage and strength.

 

Ok that makes sense. Hmm tricky - talk to your partner about your unhappiness before Feb to avoid this huge expense, yet risk a blow-out of sorts when the confrontation happens, before you're ready to move out?

That's tough...I guess I would really need to think about that some more...maybe a little 'prayer' in whatever form thrown in.

 

Nothing rash is perfectly rational!

With the proper mindset of intentionality and purpose, of transforming wishes and dreams into concrete goals, you will find a way forward that works for everyone. I see that you are getting there already...working out the details, thinking through alternatives, that is the very essence of sensibility!

I've read somewhere that goals are dreams that one takes seriously.

 

Definitely educate yourself! Not sure what your laws are but in Canada it doesn't matter if you are legally married or if the house is in his name, it is based on how many years you lived together and is still considered common law marriage and you are entitled to assets and part of the estate. Because you share a child he will have automatic legal responsibilities there to pay at least 50% of the costs and more if you are going to be raising her more than half of the time. It is so important to be informed of these things. I was so scared to leave for so long because I just didn't know my rights as a wife and mother. The more I learn the more confident I get in knowing what I am entitled to. I know my worth and I will not settle for anything less. It has helped me a great deal with working on my inner self worth too.

 

Definitely agree, you need to engage a lawyer, or, at the very least learn your rights. It is still better to go through mediation as it is the most cost-effective option, but you must keep in mind that this may, or may not, provide you with the best agreement. A fair agreement will happen IF there is goodwill between the two of you.

A personal example: after we separated, my ex-wife agreed to mediation, but I only learned later that this was a ruse. In our province, the parties getting divorced are obligated to at least try mediation before going before the courts, so we attended one session, which was simply a preliminary discussion, with nothing substantive discussed, she then inexplicably (at the time) refused further mediation and went straight to litigation. Upon advice from her lawyer, this appears to have been a formality, her intention all along was to sue me via the courts...an example of the complete absence of good faith...

 

Yes! Take up running! (There are a nice handful of gay women lady runners in my group. :] )