Hi guys, So if the last 2 Christmas' are anything to go by, i'm in for a rough enough time over the next couple of weeks. So i may need some support off you guys. I should be ok, but ive just got a few things i could do with getting off my chest. The first is that i feel incredibly alone. A guy who i had confided in quite a bit has moved away. The therapist who i have been seeing seems to have given up on me. He just sort of said its up to yourself if you want to come back and see me again. And even though my friends are really good and some have told me i can talk to them about things, i cant. I cant tell them the things that are really bothering me. I dont understand them and they definitly wouldnt. The other main thing thats been on my mind is ive kind of started seeing someone. Well i just spend a lot of time with him. Theres a big age gap being im 25 and he's late 40's. Ive read every post and article on the internet. I know its messed up. I know i should stop it. But i cant. Ive never been able to embrace my gay side without being heavily drunk. With him i can. Its a bit morbid, but i have never woken up beside a guy or slept with a guy and didnt wish i was dead after, but with him it feels right. I just feel good when im with him and i havent felt good about myself in a long time. I know the issues with an age gap. But i already know im messed up so what difference does it make. Why shouldnt i just enjoy myself. Anyway. Just a few things i needed to get off my chest. Since i have no one else really to talk to. Thanks for reading
Hi Questions93, Hopefully, by this time, the worst of the holidays is behind you! I'd like to comment on the second issue first. From your description, it sounds as if your gut is telling you this relationship is okay; it's comfortable and there is obviously some trust there. What you read on the Internet is general information. Your personal experience is very specific to the two of you, and it sounds good. Age differences can sometimes create problems, but they are not insurmountable. (I speak from my own times.) In some ways, the first issue relates to the second; can you confide in this individual? Can you discuss your problems in an honest and helpful way? When something is bothering you, can you come out with it and have a constructive conversation? The answer to these questions might help you decide just how "right" your new relationship is for you. I know you just wanted to get some issues off of your chest, but hope you find my comments helpful. Milan
Hi Milan, Yes your comments are really helpful, thank you!! We have spoken about it and we both know that an actual serious relationship is unlikely as we are both at very different stages of our lives. But we are still going to keep seeing eachother. Honestly, i know that with the rate things are going, i am going to find it very hard to just stop seeing him when the time comes. But thats just the way it goes! I have been able to talk to him more about some stuff than anyone else (except therapist) but even still, not really. I had a bit of a breakdown a few weeks ago and i told him via text messages some things that i regretted after. Mainly things about how i am never going to be ok with myself. He insisted that i meet up with him and we talk through this. He said that he has gone through this before and he can help me. But at the time i was starting to have a panic attack and i couldnt let him see me like that. This was only ever suppose to be a hook-up. He doeant deserve for me to offload all my shit on him. So i made him promise we forget about the conversation. We have spoken about some things and are going to talk a bit more after christmas when i see him again. But i would never actually tell him how bad things really are. I dont think i can tell anyone. The topic of suicide actually came up in coversation with my family this weekend. And i actually realised how bad my family view it as and how much they dont understand. I know they would be different if they found out i actually have suicidal thoughts but its not a conversation i can have with them. How would you even begin to explain? I have so much going on in my head and no where to off load it. So for the time being i'm just going to have to do it here! I dont know what else to do really! Anyway thanks for reading
Hi Q93 He sounds like a good man. He is supportive and willing to help. I think you should be open and honest with him. He is a mature man and can decide for himself what the limits to the conversation should be. Telling him is better than telling no one. As for stopping seeing him, if he is a friend, what's wrong with friends for life? Be positive, be optimistic. With a lot going on in your head, it's a better perspective to look at things with. Try it. Okay? Hang in there. Milan
Hey Milan, Yes he is a good man. After just a couple months he's already helped me a lot. I just feel bad using him like that, when all we both thought we were getting into was a bit of fun. We didnt mean to get this close. But we'll see how things go! He actually suggested this a couple days ago. So hopefully it wont end on bad terms. Thanks again Milan
