Hey Guys and Dolls, Looking for some relationship advise... I suppose I'll start by saying.. I'm 5 years into the Bi gig (well the gay side of it anyway). Almost a year back... I got back with a former BF of mine... still loved him, just first time around I didn't really know what to do with it... So we broke up (for his sake) and he took the Breakup quite heavily.. went from a heavy tobacco smoker to taking everything he could get his hands on ended up in the chem sex scene and caught himself HIV... anyway.. skipping back to here and now... Since we got back together it's been fantastic in a lot of ways... I've worked hard on myself to learn to relax into this... I've come out fully and everything is going quite well... except one thing... he still craves the drugs and promiscuous sex... I'm a recovering Polly-drug addict and old skool (Faithful) from a relationship standpoint. I've tried to give in and give a little in this give-take dynamic... but it never feels like it's enough... I've got back to (very cautiously) using which makes me nervous.. as I could very well slip back into addiction... and I've tried the whole group thing with him... I couldn't relax and didn't enjoy it at all... I thought this might be enough to calm the situation for awhile.. give me time to adjust and I can try again and maybe be a bit more relaxed next time... however this doesn't seem to be enough for him... with him it's all or nothing.. I'm either shooting meth with him and having unprotected promiscuous sex with randomers with him.. or his not happy and gets angry and emotional about it. He says that he wants the relationship open sexually (but not totally open as he doesn't want to risk losing me) so he can do what he wants in that regard (and not have to cheat on me like his has everyone else.. although that hasn't stopped him cheating on me 1ce so far...) but, he also wants it so that it's both of us engaging in it... as I'm worried the open aspect will kill the intimacy we have... I feel like I don't get time to adjust or even process as theirs always something new coming down the track... and yes I've said all this to him... his response is to go on a rant about being ungrateful (no shit) and not deserving me (again no shit) then it all simmers down and goes back to the passive-aggressive shit. He says that I'm possessive... but I don't see it that way... unless wanting a stable relationship with a guy who commits himself to you is possessive... I mean.. I'm fine with him seeing his friends... and having a life outside of the relationship... once it doesn't involve drug use as he can't be trusted to stay faithful when out of his mind... otherwise I'd be fine with the occasional drug use as well... Now to add insult to injury... it's winter... and I suffer from winter depression... which he knows about... one of the things that happen to me during the winter is a total loss of sex drive... which again he knew about before we got back together... I figured as he knew what was coming... it would be tough but he'd give me a bit of support and I do the best I can and we would get through it... what it's turned out to be his him... calling me pathetic for not having the energy to engage... making me feel horrible as a BF for not meeting my commitments to the relationship and generally just impacting on the already shitty time I have in winter... as well as forever going on about how it wants drugs and sex with other guys... We both love each-other and he say's he's willing to change and make sacrifices for the relationship... I just don't see any evidence of it and anything he does... he hangs over my head... (Way to make a guy feel special right) Neither of us wants to see the relationship end... although I'm really starting to wonder if there really is another way out of this so everyone is happy. I'm open to input from both camps (Pro/Anti open relationships) and advise in gen from people who maybe have a bit more experience in this whole thing. I'm willing to put in the work... and work on becoming more ok with the promiscuous sex with randomers... I'm even willing to entertain the drug use (and risk my own recovery) if we can find a happy medium... and it's not always a case of now now-now with him. What you guys think... Thanks, Shifty
Read up on narcissistic personality disorder. Your BF raises a few red flags. He is managing down your expectations and he seems to always be the victim. You deserve better.
I'm not certain on the NPD, but i can say that your boyfriend is incredibly selfish, self-destructive, and doing his best to pull you down with him. You don't mention which drugs you are using again, but it is near impossible to casually or recreationally use meth, and if you stay with him, it is near certain you'll be pulled back into addiction. The fact that he doesn't care about this (likely because of his own drug use) is an enormous red flag that should be a deal killer for you. I suspect part of what is driving both the drug use and the desire to stay with this creep is your own sense of unworthiness. I'm guessing that somewhere deep inside, you don't believe you are worthy of someone healthy and happy and respectful of your needs and boundaries. And this may also be tied in to some level of deep, unconscious lack of complete acceptance of your attraction toward men. I know I'm throwing a lot at you and making a lot of assumptions here. ANd it's entirely possible I'm wrong on some or all counts. But one thing I feel very confident about: This guy is bad news, is only going to pull you down, and you absolutely deserve someone better. I'd end this relationship and run away from it as fast as possible. I would also seek help for your seasonal depression. (There are some very effective treatments for it.)
I agree with all Chip's feedback. You deserve a more loving partner. Love does not hurt. In your post you sound like a very nice man who is sincere but feeling vulnerable. Put yourself first, pay zero heed to your partner's criticisms and acknowledge that you deserve happiness and a life and a partner that are not dysfunctional. I wish you the best.
I've personally never taken meth... He's Keen for me try it in the chemsex setting tho. Not really my thing to be fair. Chem sex or meth.. in terms of my own personal use.. it's Polly drug so no one drug in particular I have an issue with...it's the escapism I get from any drug is where the addiction lay for me. I'm past that stage in life now and have gone from an addict to running my own business. Selfish and self destructive I'd agree with and ive told him this. I've offered to take him to get help sorting out whatever the root of that shit is... His response was ok I'll "play along" with it. In saying all this... Everything else is perfect. He comes home and turns into Betty crocker... He makes sure I take care of myself and other such things. It's just that drugs and multiple partners thing kills the lot of it... I'm going to have to find middle ground on it and if I cant then I've no option other than to walk away...which is kind of tragic... What I could use is someone who's done the whole open then and make it work so I can sort out my thoughts around it. I get no 2 relationship's are alike but maybe with the right pointers I can work thru my shit..
