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What is it like for a closeted person to be pursued.

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Growing, Dec 23, 2017.

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  1. Growing

    Growing
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    I'm wondering how a closeted person would cope with a same sex friend letting them know they like the.

    I'm thinking about my married friend who is in the closet. Were he to suspect my feelings for him would it result in him shutting me out or causing him emotional distress? If it had been me in the closet my reaction would be to cut the person out immediately.

    He knows that I am gay and that I like talking to him. I'm wondering how a confession would be received in the mind of a closeted person.

    Any thoughts?
     
    #1 Growing, Dec 23, 2017
  2. Lexa

    Lexa
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    Honestly, I think he will freak out. But how do you know he is in the closet? Did he tell you?
     
    #2 Lexa, Dec 23, 2017
  3. Glitters

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    Well, honestly, it depends on a lot of things. I don't know what your exact circumstance is, so I have a few questions.

    #1 - Did he tell you he's in the closet, or do you come to that conclusion on your own?

    #2 - What is his relationship like with his wife? Are things rocky? Uncomfortable? Or are they happy, despite the circumstances? And most bluntly at all - is he thinking of getting a divorce? Or is he content with this relationship and doesn't want a divorce?

    If he is considering a divorce, I'd say wait to tell him until they are divorced. Also give him some time.
    If he is on the fence about everything and not sure how he feels, I'd say offer him support, but don't push him. When a person is in a rocky relationship, it's the absolute worst time to confess. It'll only make his situation worse.

    If he is happy with his relationship, (and he's the one who told you he's in the closet) encourage him to come out to his wife (if he hasn't already). Again, I don't think it'd be a good idea to confess until he has his relationship with his wife figured out.

    If he is happy with his relationship but you came to the conclusion that he was gay on your own, try talking to him about it and tell him if he were gay, you'd support him. Also don't be too surprised if it turns out he's actually not gay.
     
    #3 Glitters, Dec 23, 2017
  4. Growing

    Growing
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    The last bit sums it up. I am speculating and know he likes a bit on the side based on his behaviour but we've never discussed it. Everything is unspoken and cordial.

    But I'm drawn to him and ashamed of it. HR told me that "we're happy" which was an ominous statement. But I suspect strongly that he is drawn to the male body but I know nothing beyond that. It is unrequited love on my part. Not sure how he feels. I guess that is why I asked. I'm playing a movie and it's painful
     
    #4 Growing, Dec 23, 2017
  5. Growing

    Growing
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    Can a person be happy to fool around with a guy every once and a while but not identify as gay? In a way I wish that I had opted for that way of life as coming out and seeing closeted men get married seems almost unfair ;-). They get to have a family and address their sexual needs infrequently. I think my friend has no intention of coming out, has no internal struggle and just gets his needs met when required. But maybe I'm wrong and he is suffering internal conflict.....
     
    #5 Growing, Dec 24, 2017
  6. GotABeard

    GotABeard
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    I know that having strong feelings for someone might lead you to see things that aren't there (even though your brain tells you you're seeing things in a logical, impartial way), so be careful. I don't know if your friend is gay or not, but consider he might just be a friend who likes spending time with you.
    Developing feelings for a friend you see often and not being able to pursue them is horrible, I've been through that some times and I wouldn't wish that on anyone. I feel for you.
    If your friend is gay, he might be reluctant to admit it because he fears he might lose his family, or maybe he is be ashamed of what he feels or he doesn't want to betray his wife.

    Since he already knows your sexual orientation, I believe that if he had feelings for you and was ready to admit it, he would tell you.
    You can tell him what you feel if you want, but I fear that would worsen things.

    I hope I helped, I know it's a difficult situation to handle.
     
    #6 GotABeard, Dec 24, 2017
  7. Growing

    Growing
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    Thanks for reply @GotABeard. I agree about misreading a situation when unrequited love is involved. It is the story of my life. I was always at the sidelines painfully desiring someone who either didn't know my orientation and my longing or saw me as a good friend. Gradually I would learn that it could not develop and life would move me on. But the emotional hurt seems to get triggered every few years when I start liking someone.

    This person is not available to me as he has family and we are more acquaintances than friends. There is definitely sexual intrigue between us but beyond that he's a closed book (or closet). I want to get to know him as a friend. I do accept that romantically too many people would get hurt.

    But I'm wondering how he would feel hearing from me in person that I am gay (I am sure he knows fully as he knows that I like him sexually). Would it threaten him or might it comfort him to meet a guy like him who just happens to like men. I'm guessing that he is a straight identifying man who happens to like men. Most likely our acquaintanceship will remain and he'll continue as a happily married man.

    But I would like to get to know this man more. I believe we would both benefit from a friendship.
     
    #7 Growing, Dec 25, 2017
  8. GotABeard

    GotABeard
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    I know how it feels...

    Anyway, there's nothing wrong in you getting to know each other better.
    You can also take some time to try to understand him better before taking action if you want.

    There's probably nothing wrong with telling him about your sexual orientation, either. Just make sure you know each other enough for it not to sound awkward.

    I hope things will sort out.
     
    #8 GotABeard, Dec 25, 2017
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