I’m sorry if this comes out a little too long. I'll just try to go straight to the point. Sometimes I hurt myself. It's not something I always do, there are like, some episodes once every few months. It started when I was 16 and got in a terrible and violent fight with my parents. Alone in my room, I cut my wrist with a small knife I had. I don't know why, I always thought self-arm was a pretty stupid thing to do. I don't want to offend anyone: I know there are people who can't help themselves and that is pretty serious. I'm talking about those kids around me who cut themselves for no particular reason, sometimes just to show off the scars to others. I thought, well, even if someone IS suffering, that isn’t gonna solve any of their problem. However, that night I tried that on myself, and it was somehow relieving. I was thinking, at first, about suicide, and I think I was very close to that point. I am close to that point, every time I hurt myself. It’s like, when you have too much on your mind and you are in pain and you don’t know how to make it stop, cutting yourself and feeling the physical pain let me clear my head, and I was finally able to get some sleep. For, like, 2 years, I didn’t do it anymore. As I said, I felt stupid, especially when someone asked me what I did on my wrist and I had to lie about it. Then my girlfriend went abroad for work, and started ignoring me and treating me badly, and I did it again, multiple times, this time, I think, both to relieve the pain and to get her attention, to let her see I was truly suffering. I despise myself for that, but it kinda worked. I later promised my girlfriend, who started being scared for me, that I would never ever hurt myself again, not even if we fought, and I didn’t, despite being depressed most of the time. After a few months, I had a rough coming out with my parents. My mother was insulting me, threatening me, hurting me in any way she could without laying a finger on me, and one night I had a fight with my gf and did it again. Since it made her angry, I tried again not to do it anymore. She was the only person who knew. Anyway, I still felt uneasy about explaining my friends where did my scars come from, and pretty stupid about myself for thinking cutting me was somehow a good idea. I felt a little, weak attention seeker and I didn’t want to be like that. Lately, my problems with my family were still going on, plus I met another girl and fell in love, despite being still very fond on my girlfriend. And I cut myself again, then I left my gf, ‘cause I felt it wouldn’t have been fair to hide my feelings from her just ‘cause I was scared of them. Now, I like the new girl very much but I also get in a lot of fights with her, plus I miss my ex, sometimes so much that I cry myself to sleep. Again, I have a big mess in my head and don’t know what to do, since it seems that everything I try is the wrong thing to do, and it causes me more and more pain. So, none of the previous cut was bad: they bleeded a little bit, and left scars, but weren’t dangerous. This morning, though, I brought it a little too far. “The new girl”, let’s call her that, got angry at me yesterday ‘cause she said I didn’t text her all day so I didn’t care about her. That is just not true, and I tried to explain: I text her a lot through all the day, sometimes hours passes before she even sees the texts, so I think she is busy and I think maybe I text her too much and she gets tired of it, since sometimes she doesn’t even text back to all my messages. Therefore, I just thought it would be better to wait for her to start the conversation. Moreover, I always think of her, no matter what, I make drawings for her, send her my favorite songs, travel for miles just to see her for 15 minutes when she gets out of her classroom. I mean, I don’t think you can estimate how much one loves you by how many texts he sends to you (I’m 21, she’s 27). Well, she hasn’t talked to me since yesterday, and since I have the constant fear of being abandoned I texted her multiple times, left her 40 missed calls, and still nothing. Furthermore my ex texted me how was I holding up a couple of days ago, and I didn’t text back ‘cause the new girl would get jealous, but I miss her, and I was in pain, I wanted to call her, I wanted the new girl to answer my calls but I didn’t know what to do, so… I cut myself. Hard, this time. There was blood everywhere and I panicked, I didn’t know who to call, then I managed to stop the bleeding and all, but… What if my mother sees the bandages? She doesn’t know about that. Since she judges me badly for being gay and for suffering for love, I’m just afraid she’d only get angry at me and call me an attention *****. I know she’s my mother, but you wouldn’t believe what she’s said and done to me through these months: I just don’t know what to do, what to tell her, what to tell anyone, who to tell this, if she’s gonna believe any of my lies, and how to stop doing this to myself, ‘cause I know I can control this, it’s just that sometimes… I don’t want to. If you took the time to read this whole post, I thank you with all my heart. Please excuse my English, I’m not a mothertongue.
Frankly I've got all the time in the world here. I read your story, it seems like you're in a genuinely difficult situation. Your written English is excellent, honestly - it's better than quite a few native speakers actually. So no worries there, hon. I'm in a boat of a different sort right now. Can totally relate to the parental struggle, I get almost no consolation from either of my parents anymore, especially not from my ass of a father. I feel like a disappointment and a burden to them. Personally, sharp blades kinda terrify me and I faint at the site of blood, so I've never tried that route. Even if I was seriously desperate, I doubt I would have the fortitude to literally gouge myself. I've engaged in a different kind of self harm for years: not eating, avoiding most everything, and taking meds totally off-prescription. On Thursday I ended up calling 911 because I was scared I messed up with the pills. My parents were just angry at me and I felt devastated. I guess I hoped they would show they understood how unhappy and painful this period of my life is. I had to drop out of college for mental health reasons and I've been doing some...less than safe experiments with my collection of old meds. I get it, it's like...trying to feel like you have control over something. It's kinda claiming ownership of the body you feel helpless in. Also, lately I too feel totally alone in my shame and self-pity. It makes sense to cry for help to...anyone really, especially when not even your family will comfort you or you can't mention it to your friends because it's humiliating. My parents are currently treating me like a pathetic failure which only makes me feel like...more of a pathetic failure. Hang in there, I'm here if you want to talk.
As a self-harmer, I could relate so much to all you've said here. I understand the relief you get from self harming and I know and understand how sometimes, you just can't help yourself and you resort to cutting. I've been self harming since I was about 12 I think. My methods weren't cutting, but they all led up to cutting. That's my main go-to self harm. I once pressed my hand against the hot oven rack, on purpose, just for the heck of it. So it's not just when I feel depressed or in pain that I self harm. It's become like a comfort blanket, a type of pacifier if you will. It's hard to break the habit once you start, but I know that sometimes, all you want to do is feel. And any way you can feel, is to cause physical pain to yourself, by means of cutting. I don't try to talk anyone out of cutting, because I know how hard it is to just stop, when that was all you knew for so long, to make yourself feel better, or just feel. When I say I don't try to talk anyone out of cutting, I don't condone it, not even close. I simply mean that I emphasize with them because I've gone through (and am still going through) the same thing. I've used many different objects to self harm, but won't go into details. I've learned to use better coping mechanisms when my mood was low or I was otherwise upset or angry over something. What I do, is I write poetry. There are, of course, many other ways to handle emotions (Exercising (Even going for a brisk walk is good), snapping a rubber band, punching a pillow, screaming at the top of your lungs, taking a very cold shower to "wake yourself up" and break the habit of self harm). I hope that my post has made you feel less alone in this never-ending struggle. Don't give up. And if you're really worried about your own safety, speak to a mental health professional, who will be able to help you find alternative coping mechanisms that work for YOU, and lend a listening ear so you can vent to them without judgement. Therapy is very helpful, and has been a great source of venting, to me. And if you feel that therapy alone won't help, and you need to be watched, try booking into a mental health facility for a few days until you feel better. I've been to such a facility and it has helped me tremendously. No, I didn't feel like a crazy person, and still don't. But I'm eternally grateful that my psychiatrist could help me overcome it. This was 2012. I'm currently on medication (Have been diagnosed with bipolar 2 disorder in 2010). There's help out there, you just need to reach out. I've got many scars from self harming, but I wear them proudly because I know that I am now a stronger person, and apart from the oven rack "incident", I can't really tell you when last I harmed myself. But I'm still a work in progress...
First of all, I'd like to thank you guys for taking the time of reading through my post and replying. It really means a lot to me, hearing the opinion of somebody who understand. Yes, I too feel like a total failure and a burden- to anyone. It seems that anything I do, I do it wrong. I've been struggling with depression for some years now. I also got into a fight with that ass of a girl. She made me feel awful, saying stuff like I ‘should think about people who got cancer and stop being depressed and harm myself'. It made me feel selfish, and I’m the least selfish being one could know. I’m willing to hurt myself in order to help people. I don’t mind about taking a bad grade because I had to use my time to cheer someone else up, for example. I tend to give everything I have to other people- I don’t have money, not much, but I still can give all my love and support, all myself. And seriously, it breaks my heart to think about people who don't even have this little I do have. Knowing that millions of people, everyday, suffer, for any reason, doesn't make me feel better at all. It just makes me think 'if people suffer this much everyday, what's the frickin' point of living?'. Anyway, I didn't even reply to her. If we got stronger thinking about other’s disgraces, depression wouldn’t even exist, would it? I know that there are people in worse situations. But I still feel my own pain. I’m quite an introvert, you know. And I feel completely alone, I felt lonely most of my life. I don’t think many people can understand what it truly means to be alone. I don’t mean just spending some time by myself, or being single. I mean not having a true bind with anyone. I mean not having that friend that comes pick you up when you are moody and spend an hour or so with you to cheer you up. It means not having anyone to take care of. It means that if you want to go out, you go out alone. It means if something happen, bad, or also good, or funny, I don’t have anyone to talk about it. It means I’m a videogame geek, and I’ve never had someone to play with. It means feeling like nobody understands you. I had all these things with my ex ex, even when we were just friends, and God I miss her so much now, I wish I never had to do what I did. I can’t even manage to make new friends, at college or so, ‘cause the thought of only seeing strangers terrifies me. I can’t talk to people. I don’t think it’s just a matter of being shy. I am scared, like I am scared of spiders, for example. I know they can’t hurt me, but still only thinking of being near them makes me sweaty and uneasy. And I know that there are many things that I could do by myself that would make me happy, but at the end of the day I just feel it- the loneliness. Not having anyone who cares enough about you to talk to you even for a short minute. I know it’s anything near about having cancer or knowing you are about to die, but these are thoughts that slowly eat through your soul, leaving only an empty shell of a human, who can’t do anything except surviving, day by day. But, I think, there is quite a huge difference between surviving, and actually living. Enjoying your life, having fun, being proud of yourself. I feel like I can’t really do any of those things anymore. I can’t concentrate on studying, reading, writing stories, playing a videogame, playing my guitar. Maybe I just need someone to talk to, someone willing to give me what I’m willing to give, or who could at least accept it. I’m thinking about seeing a therapist. I have been for a really long time. I just don’t really know why I never did: maybe I could have fixed this a long time ago. Thanks for all your love and help
I can give you the viewpoint of the person who was in a relationship with a self-harmer. And I would preface by saying that I don't want to make you feel guilty or worse about yourself in any way. You obviously are a caring person with a lot of insight into what you are doing and why. But, it is really horrible for the other person. My ex-wife did it in front of me after a short spat. She had thrown something at me and broke some glass. She picked it up, looked at me, and started slicing her arm. I'm a man. Physically I'm much bigger and stronger than her and I was terrified. When you're on the other side you don't know what is happening. Are they going to stop? Will they suddenly attack you? Will others think that YOU hurt her? It doesn't matter even if you understand that it's an emotional release and intended to just be superficial and relieve anxiety. Then afterwards you carry the fear that you may come home and find them seriously injured or dead. You may feel ashamed because you can't help them. I still have moments of panic about that and it was months ago. You also feel manipulated and trapped. Anything you do might set them off to do it again. What do you do? Who can you tell? It is a horrible feeling. Here's my suggestion. Do not be in a romantic relationship with someone until you get treatment and have this under control. This is just a symptom of a much larger problem that can't be fixed with "love." If you don't get treatment Anyone you become involved with will be at risk of being hurt as well. You have to get help. You may be right not tell your parents as they've been on the offensive already about your sexuality. Just one more reason you need to seek help as the family support that should be there is not. Good luck.
Hi zen, thanks for the feedback, and don't worry, I could never be offended by anything you just said. It's helpful to hear from someone who has been on the other side. My mother saw the cut anyway. Surprisingly, she offered her full help, understanding that it was a much bigger issue than just a teenager being rebellious. She probably will never accept my sexual orientation, but that is a problem I shouldn't deal with yet I think. At first we talked about therapy, but then today she said that she preferred not to take me to a psychologist as it would "put me in a difficult situation". I think she means I could be followed very stricty. She said she was willing to help me going through this on my own and I told her I didn't know if I could, since this stuff has been going on for years. I remember the look of fear in my ex's eyes when she saw me hurting myself. That was what stopped me from doing it for a long time. You being scared means you care and you understand how deep is the problem. What you say is very true- love can't fix it- damn, I would not want to be a problem for anyone... And the thing goes way beyond the self harm. I mean, being loved surely helps a lot- it's just that depression often comes with uncertainties and anxieties. For example, I always fear other people lie to me and don't really care about me, even if it's not true, even if I trust them, the fear of losing them always leaves a stain on my relationship. I just wish I had someone who undestrood, someone to talk to and spend time with, not necessairly a lover. Truth is, though, many people don't actually understand. The other girl, for example, mocked me about this. And I think you should never judge the struggle someone is going thorugh...
I'm alarmed at your mother's offer to "help" if you'll do it on your own. She may have her own reasons for not wanting you to use a professional. I suggest thanking her for her support and finding someone who knows what they're doing.
I'm alarmed at your mother's offer to "help" if you'll do it on your own. She may have her own reasons for not wanting you to use a professional. I suggest thanking her for her support and finding someone who knows what they're doing.
