long post; summary at the end. I'd try to explain both sides of the coin in this one as I think we both have faults that lead up to his hatred of my friends. Just a bit of background for us: I'm currently in a relationship for over a year. He's 32, I'm 22. (10 years I know) We're both introverts but a bit different in that, I have a circle of friends throughout my life — I had circle of friends when I was in gradeschool, highschool, college — while him on the other hand is a total loner type, though he bonds online with his Furry friends. Back when I was around 13-14 I got hooked on this Reality TV/Competition show Survivor and been a huge fan since then. With the rise of social media , I found myself joining various groups made for the fans of the show in Facebook (t'was back in 2012). I've become active in that community from then on and made friends with people from that community. Though I wasn't keen to meeting up with them due to me still studying and a full out introvert (I hated meeting new people before) during those days. Fast Forward to May 2017: Just this May, our community started to become more active in terms of meet-ups, viewing parties, birthdays, dine outs, movies etc. etc. With me already working and have at least more confidence to meet and socialize with other people, I became open to meet the friends I made online. I went out with them twice in May, first on a dinner, then next a viewing party. Now, my boyfriend of 11 months (during that time) was totally alright with it saying that I need to have a social life at least. Fast Forward to November 2017: My 5th time meeting with them due to one of them celebrating her 10 years at work and also as a late celebration for my birthday. (Before that our circle have a planned christmas party scheduled for December.) This is when my Boyfriend started hating my friends: When I was invited, I told him about it. To which he said that he want to go with me, to which I declined because...I wanted to introduce him at the December party instead. He then became livid. He said I'm not prioritizing him anymore and saying that my friends are trash. I apologized to him about it with the reasons that: I wasn't ready to introduce him that time, and was actually planning to introduce him at our December party (which happened last week. He didn't come) instead. Over time he started to hate them more and more. And any apology from me and attempt to introduce him to them is disregarded and he keeps on calling my friends trash etc. to which I am hurt. One time he told me that my friendship with those people would be our doom and that those people are stealing me away from him. Summary: It was my fault that he started hating my friends in the first place. But any attempt from me to fix it or attempt to introduce him to them is declined.
Tell him he is 32 and needs to grow up. He obviously hasn't met them so how could he know whether or not they are trash? I would also tell him that the only one bringing your relationship to your doom is him. People who try to control friendships and limit their partner's outings are often abusive and manipulative so beware. I can see why he would be hurt you wouldn't bring him the first time but it's time he gets over it and stop throwing a tantrum about it. Have a chat with him but make it clear that he is ruining everything with his attitude towards your friends. I think he knows how ridiculous he is being and is just trying it on tbh.
Not your fault at all, actually. You should have your group of friends and you should be able to go hang out with them without your partner if you so choose. If your partner is really feeling abandoned, then you guys have to come up with a way that both acknowledges his feelings but also respects your own boundaries. One this is for certain, he has to stop calling your friends names simply because he is scared of losing you. For example, my husband and I have a rule that we must have at least 2 dates every month. The dates must be 1) just us two 2) no distractions (no phones whatsoever) 3) fun. Sometimes the dates are elaborate and sometimes is us drunk watching netflix, but the point is that we know that twice a month we have all of our attention to each other. That way we can both do our jobs, have our friends, enjoy our hobbies, all while we know we are keeping each other happy. So, speak with him. Ask him what his needs are and see if you guys can come up with something to solve it. The one thing to be aware of is that you hanging out less with your friends is a red flag. So try to come up with ways that you can give him more attention, but it doesn't compromise your time with friends.
Hello @StartANewLifE: I agree fully with the other posters that his behaviour is a HUGE RED FLAG. No one is "stealing you away" - those are the words of a profoundly insecure person - the kind of person who becomes abusive. The only behaviour you are responsible for is your own. I was in an abusive relationship once and my partner eventually became extremely critical of everyone (friends/family/employers/coworkers) in my life and everything I did or tried to do that didn't include him - he literally wanted me to spend every second with him - he got angry if I tried to read a book because then I was "ignoring" him (!). It started small and just grew worse over time. I tried and tried to reason with him to no avail and then when I tried to dial back the relationship to being friends, which we had been before becoming romantic, he threatened to kill me. I managed to extricate myself from the romantic part of the relationship but he stalked me for two years during which we occasionally had contact as "friends" (what was I thinking??!!). It wasn't until I joined a support group that I finally ditched him for good. You may want to check out these support groups: Al-Anon and Codependents Anonymous. As well, it may be helpful to read up on abusive relationships and the "cycles" that they can go through. It's really important to understand that the most dangerous time in an abusive situation is when you are trying to leave it - at that point the abusive person may feel they have nothing to lose and may resort to violence. It's important to have a plan for leaving that includes keeping yourself safe. It's also important that you tell other people what's happening in your relationship - tell some of your friends. Any shame you may feel is not about you, it's about his poor behaviour toward you. You have nothing to feel ashamed of. Keep writing here if it helps. Hugs.
Sad to say, this is one of the more common problems with age-gap relationships. The older person is often with someone younger because at some level he doesn't feel he's worthy of people his own age. With what you're describing, it sounds like exactly what's going on here... I agree with the other posters that this is a huge red flag, and you're dealing with some really displaced jealousy and anger. If it were me... I'd vote for keeping the friends and letting the boyfriend go. It doesn't sound like a healthy relationship. This is in no way your fault. What you're seeking (connection with others) is a really common desire of people in their early 20s, and something you should not compromise on. You can prioritize making time with your boyfriend, but if he can't handle you spending time with others, then eventually the relationship is doomed to fail. I'm sorry to put it in stark terms, but honestly, it sounds like you deserve better.
We already established this rule as a solution like when he started to hate them. We have this rule that, if we are together, especially every weekend...I would not chat with my friends or not open my internet unless if it's necessary (search something). I told my circle of friends and they are very supportive of me (I'm newly out to them). I have told them as well about this problem. This is exactly how I feel. I don't have doubts before but now I have. I always thought we'd spent a life forever but if he can't handle me like this, he might not as well in the future. I'll give him enough time though and see if he would accept this part of me (my fandom and my friends).
