Have I messed up my life?

I believe the only thing that messes up a life is not telling the truth. Lies or omissions hold everyone hostage in a situation that isn't good or kind for anyone. It's not doing anyone any favors to not be upfront with feelings. No one knows where that will lead exactly. But sharing yourself truly and making yourself vulnerable brings real love and intimacy into a persons life on all accounts and with all relationships. It may be extremely painful to do this but it also makes life satisfying and worth the trip. Wishing you well, sending peace.

 

You haven't messed up your life, you made the decisions that felt right at that point in your life, with all the best intentions. Now you are uncovering and acknowledging truths that are important to think about in going forward. Your exact circumstances are a bit different but much of what you're going through, a lot of us in here have experienced... I can't tell you what to choose but I can tell you about the approaches I made to make my choices... I had a lot of the same questions you do, and in the end I realised that I've always been a lesbian, I've always needed to be with a woman, and myself and my husband and our daughter as well are better off with us separated, even though I still love him dearly. We're now working through our divorce and I've been living with a woman for the last 5 months. But only you can really know yourself and what's right for you.

Feel free to ask anything and I'll try to help.

 

Does your husband know that you are bi, did you share that with him when you first got together? Do you think your husband would be open to you exploring this side of you rather than going straight to divorce? Could that be something you could do? If you didn’t have these feeling for women now then do you think your marriage would last much longer i.e would you still be thinking divorce?

 

You’ve known you've liked women for a while so it’s not like with some that they’ve just realised this later in life so I don’t think you need to be worrying that it’s just a fantasy or phase as they wouldn’t last years! Yes I guess In an ideal world it would have been better to explore more before you settled down but I’m sure at the time you thought you were making the right decision. I don’t think I’ve read any stories on here where they have regretted leaving or not turned out to be gay or bi. I guess you need to ask yourself is losing what you have now worth the risk of being with a women? Is that what your ultimate goal / dream would be? Also your husband would have the chance to find someone else.

 

It's this kind of fear-based thinking that clouds your judgment. Why would your daughter's life be ruined? If a divorce has to happen, it would be better at her age than when she is older. She will grow up with her mom and dad living separate lives, enriching her life with step parents and perhaps future siblings and a host of grandparents and other family and friends. She will grow up not knowing any other life. She won't feel that her life is ruined. However, if your marriage continues unhappily, she will grow up in an unhappy home where mom and dad don't share intimacy. Sure, the dishes get done, but mom and dad don't show her what a loving and happy home is all about. The real truth here is that if you stay in your marriage, and aren't able to fix the issues between you and your husband, you will be doing more damage to your daughter than if you deal with this now.

Shared custody can work well if the parents get along, cooperate, and keep the kids' best interests in mind.

Take care.

 

I agree with what @I’m gay said... your daughter is at a very young age so it’s better to do it now rather than say 5 or 10 years time. Try not to blame yourself and your sexuality for the problems in your marriage as you could have still had problems and it’s not like you hid that you are bi. Have you thought about seeing a therapist?

 

So are you and your husband going to therapy together? Do you think you will say anything re what you are feeling re your sexuality or is it more re your relationship in general you are looking to discuss? Hopefully with more time things will become clearer re what you want to do. There are lot of people here who are in a similar situation so are always here if you need advice etc

 

That’s a good start, hopefully therapy will help both of you so good luck. It will take time but you should hopefully notice progress as time goes on.

 

Hi again, there are lots of ways to answer this question so I'll try to give you the most helpful bits. I have always *known* on some level that I need to be with a woman, that it's what I really needed, but on another level I didn't acknowledge those needs or really recognise them fully. So in short the feelings have always been there but I've only really come to understand how crucial it is to my happiness at this very late stage of my life.

It wasn't one woman that helped me finally realise this, it was a collection of experiences and feelings I've had over many years that made it all come to the surface. Feelings I've had for various women, feelings I didn't have for men, things that I felt were missing in my life. It's hard to explain because I didn't have any kind of outward trigger that brought me to the point of looking more deeply at my sexuality. It sort of just built and built over time. But once it started coming more to the surface I started finding the need to take certain steps which all helped me finally recognise that I needed to change my path.

I came out to my husband about 2 1/2 years ago, but as questioning, not gay. I had a lot of the same questions you have and thought the only way I could know what my needs are is by being with a woman; in the meantime I needed lots of other things like I needed to come out to people, needed to try to work through old feelings of shame, work through and understand why I'd not acknowledged this earlier; make friends and find support in the lgbtq community. Each time I took a step, the next step started to form in front of me, I was on a path and it sort of opened up in my understanding each time I gained understanding in each needed area. My husband and I talked a lot about opening up our marriage and finally decided to try that route, we spent a lot of time leading up to it...but just a week before my first date that I had planned, it struck me, I was not bi, I'm gay, and I need a future with a woman. It also struck me that my husband needed more than what I could give him. Abd that sort of instinct locked it in for me.

I never even went on that date. Instead I put my focus on getting through that period with my family and then started dating a month or two later while we were still living together.... I met my partner shortly after but only started dating her a year ago. And now, here I am.

 

Ruining my daughter's life was my biggest fear too, but in fact she's more happy now than before. She doesn't live in a tense resentful household anymore... and she spends half the week with me and half with her dad; it takes effort and communication to keep things stable and secure for her, but her dad and myself are more than happy to invest that energy into making sure she has a strong happy bond with both of us and a secure stable routine. I'm actually great friends with her dad, and we spend every Sunday together, me her dad, my partner and my partner's two boys.... I think we're actually in a really especially good dynamic, but it's certainly very healthy and positive.

 

Ngale I'm sending you positive thoughts. I know how hard this must be for you. I'm glad you're looking into using a therapist. That would be my suggestion. I suggest also to not come right out in the first session. Make sure you have a good therapist first.
Also, keep in mind that while your sexuality may be a pressing issue it certainly isn't the only issue in your relationship. If you believe it's the only problem or that your husband is the "perfect husband" you are setting yourself up for a lot of negative emotions. Maybe it would have been better if you'd figured it out sooner but for many different reasons many of us don't. It isn't bad it's just the way it is.
Feel good about the fact that you have the courage to ask yourself these tough questions. That you already came out as bi is a big deal. If others didn't believe you that's their fault not yours.
I see a person who cares about others, is a good mom, has the integrity to keep their promises but also to realize the situation may have changed and that they must be true to themselves as well.

 

Why do you feel turning to women would be a failure? No one goes through life getting everything perfect 100% of the time. How would we learn and grow if we never made any mistakes.

 

Hi, first time poster but have lurked for a few weeks. I am married to a man, have 2 kids and have just started to get out of the closet. Had never properly acknowledged my feelings of attraction towards women until this year. I been honest with my husband, I've been talking to a therapist, its been the hardest thing I've ever done. I have slowly come out to a few close friends. Yesterday I came out to my brother, he was amazing, I was so terrified.

My husband and I will be separating, I need to love myself for a bit and then see where things take me. I've been to some dark places and have pulled through. The more I am honest with myself and let myself feel my attraction, the more different and colourful the world is looking. I can't do an open marriage, tried it and it confirmed that I am indeed gay and really love women. I have a few close gay friends who have helped me and have kept me true to myself through this process, and it is a process. I'm still fighting myself on a daily basis, I'm still dealing with guilt, I have a long road of separation ahead of me but it will happen and everyone is going to be ok and happier for it. Just wanted to share my experience so far. I'm not saying this is what would work for you but I know it helps to hear other stories when you have noone to turn to. My aim is to be an awesome coparent with my husband living separately and to live life to the full. I am who I am and I can't fight that. I deserve to be happy and so does my husband and my children. We will find a way forward because staying as we are just isn't an option anymore. Good luck and pls feel free to ask me anything and I'll do my best to answer. Strength and love x