I've come out (again) and want to help my partner

Just for a bit of backstory, I've been in a relationship with my male partner for four years. It had gone really well, and I felt like we'd become each other's best friend. I was previously out as bisexual since I was 20, and he knew I was a trans girl (transitioned between 19 and 21) from our first date. He's bisexual - a self-described Kinsey 3 - and I knew that from the start too. When I was looking for him, I really thought I was only able to have a male partner, and I wasn't even looking for a woman, partly due to my last relationship with another woman being a total disaster (she basically led me on into thinking she really liked me and we were going to meet, and we became "official" at 5am one night and she broke up with me and told me it was all lies at 8am. She broke my heart and trust, really) and also because I felt "validated" as a woman if I was with a man, due to internalised stupidity.

Everything seemed fine until a few months ago. Like, we never really have sex, although I still "tended to him" when needed. I just never felt in the mood. But I kept seeing attractive women everywhere, and I felt so jealous whenever I saw two women together. Things with two girls in love in them made me cry. I imagined kissing and being intimate with girls, and it just felt... really special and electric. Recently, everything kept ramping up. I got songs stuck in my head that I associate with a woman I used to fancy (and still feel affection for, despite my best efforts). They just went round, and round, and a few days ago, it just hit me: I don't really like having sex with men, but the thought of sex with another woman made my heart race like nothing on earth. I just know it now... I'm not bi, I'm a lesbian. I cried so much after that realisation, and felt really silly.

Then, last night, my boyfriend caught me crying in the living room, and after a bit of poking I blurted everything out. I felt so horrible, and I felt like I was breaking his heart. I can't explain, but I still love him. He's the kindest, most thoughtful person I've known in my life, and he makes me happy. We've shared so many things together and I wouldn't take them back for the world. We spoke about it again this morning, and I explained how I don't want him to leave, because I don't. We hugged for a while, and I saw he was crying a bit, which made me feel pretty bad. I've still been constantly crying and I feel sick and have a headache from it. It's all just really huge emotionally for both of us, and I wish it hadn't come out when it did, but it seemed to just build up and build up until it couldn't stay in any longer.

I just wish there was some way to help him. As I say, he's such a lovely person and I really don't want him to hurt any more. Is there anything I can say to ease the pain?

 

I'm sorry to bump this again, but I feel atrocious. I still keep crying regularly, and things just seem so weird, like I've entered a fake universe where everything's just a little bit off. I feel so sick, like I've got the flu, and my heart... hurts? I don't know where to turn. I wasn't in the best of states before, but now I feel like my life has fallen apart and I don't know where to turn. Everyone I know will think I'm a moron. My work has heard enough of my sob stories lately; I can't really tell them, and what's it to them anyway? I feel like my life is pointless now. I wanted to stay with my partner forever, but I feel like this bloody tornado of events has ruined everything and broken the heart of the most special person in my life. I don't feel like I have a future now. This is shit.

 

Thank you, I appreciate your kind thoughts <3 I'll keep trying to calm down. It's so hard when everything reminds me of what I've lost. I feel a bit like a tear and snot factory just now (sorry, it sounds horrible, I know!) I really, really hope I can keep him in my life. I'd understand if he thought it was too painful to keep me around, but I'd really miss him. I'm not sure where I'll end up living if we can't be in the same house, but I'll try and leave those thoughts for later.