My husband and I know we cannot continue to live together. I came out almost two months ago now. We have gone through so many stages. For the past 3 weeks or so the arrangement has been we are in the house as little as possible at the same time. He can hardly stand to look at me. We wanted to try to co-habitate for as long as we could for the sake of the kids but it has run its course. Christmas is in 5 days, we are splitting it up as he refuses to have me at his parents house for Christmas dinner (they don't know yet) and he doesn't want to be at my parents for Christmas Eve or morning. So we will each be faking sickness. He tells his parents a day after Christmas. Then we are going to come up with a living plan. Our options are between sharing the house (whoever has the kids has the house on certain days each week, and stay with friends or family on our days without kids) or I move out and rent a small place and he borrows money to pay the mortgage on his own. It is so hard. I am so scared about taking the leap to move out but I know it needs to happen to start moving forward and for it all to feel real.
I know things seem tough right now. Once you are living alone and can pursue a relationship in authenticity the trouble will be worth it. My guess is that the kids sense the tension, so it's better to separate as quickly as you can. Kids are resilient and typically adjust quickly. I would suggest that you have a living plan custody agreement in place before moving out.
I am sorry you are going through all of this . I hope everything will be better for you . Is there anyone standing beside you ? i hope you have someone though and you aren't alone there
I'm sorry that you're going through this too, particularly at this time of the year. I hope your children aren't picking up on the situation too much. It must be very difficult for all of you. Are you planning on coming out to anyone yourself? I think you said that your husband was going to tell people before you were ready.
“Hugs” I’m having a rough day also -lots of anxieties about navigating the holidays. It is also getting very real for me. I’m hoping that at some point in the future we can look back and say this was all worth it. I feel so overwhelmed when I think about the big picture, so I’m trying to focus on what I need to do to get through the next week. I’m sorry to hear that you two are having difficulty being in the same place together. Hopefully when the rawness wears off your relationship will be on friendly terms.
Hi @DesireEyes, So sorry to hear you're going through this. I know it's complicated to separate and establish a different living arrangement. It's stressful for sure. However, if you can manage to work it out, I think that even a living arrangement that seems complicated will feel totally doable and easy once you settle into it. I think if you can get past this tough time, the freedom and joy of being able to live authentically will be well worth it. That's something to look forward to. Keep us posted.
This time of year definitely makes things extra challenging. It’s only been 5 weeks since I came out to my husband but it just feels so uncomfortable everyday. Things are ok with me and the kids until he gets home and then there’s this invisible tension or uncomfortableness. He doesn’t seem to be angry anymore but he’s so sad. I think when he sees me he gets more sad then I see him being sad and that brings me down. I have heard that once we are completely living in separate households that we’ll be able to start to heal and things will get better. And then hopefully be able to have some type of friendly relationship. We originally planned to live together for several more months before actually separating. But I think it’s going to come a lot sooner. I think it would be best for everyone’s happiness. Feel free to post to my wall anytime you need to talk.
Y Yes, our experience too. The tension has built daily once the shock wore off. Thank you for the support.
Sending you strength too. Now I fully understand why the holidays are very hard for people, I am now one of those people.
You bet they can sense the tension. We will be telling them very shortly after Christmas once we can finalize our next step to live separately and share custody, yes this will be in place first. Thank you for your words
I I have come out to my parents, sister, brother in law and 3 of my childhood best friends, oh and my therapist!
I have always loved Christmas and the holidays. This year it is very hard to get into the Christmas spirit. When I walk around and see the decorations and hear the songs I just feel deeply sad. Even though I am the one who has come out which has ultimately put the nail in the coffin of our marriage that I was very unhappy in for a long time, I am still deeply grieving this life I am letting go of. I worked really hard to build this life and be a wife and mother. I feel like a failure. I think of all the good times, the family life that we had and how it's going to be gone. I feel guilty that I'm taking that away from our children. I am trying to be optimistic that the future holds new beginnings of joy and fulfillment that will positively impact my children. Watching their parents argue, their parents be miserable and now not even talk at all is not healthy for them. We had a lot of hard times, but there were good times too and it's hard to let those go. This Christmas is just sad. I'm sad for my kids, for my husband and for myself.
I can so well imagine how you feel even tho I am still living in a marriage and we haven't decided to divorce, at least yet. Still I walk around my house pretty much same as my feeling is that deep down I know how this is going to end. I feel that I am decieving my husband and his family, because they are coming to spend christmas in our house. I feel sperate from that family now that I have acknowledged my thoughts and feelings. You are very brave to have taken this step in your life, I wish you lots of strength and at least a little bit of joy in christmas with your kids.
Hey gals - haven't been on EC too much lately to chat but I have been keeping up on your stories. Each and every one of you is so strong in your own ways. I wish you all the best for this holiday week! *hugs*
@DesireEyes I can understand why you're feeling this way. I really struggle with the idea of letting my current life go too. It's particularly hard this time of year with all the happy family images in TV adverts, etc. Makes me sad. I hope you've been able to enjoy Christmas with your children. I find watching my daughter get ready for Father Christmas and open her presents the next day are the best parts.
Even for us who have no family or kids, or spouses letting go of 'the dream' is hard, it must be infinitely harder when you have real flesh and blood , not just dreams. All I can offer is support.
