I am an adult and I live on my own and financially support myself. I am thinking of staying away from my parents from now on because even after knowing I am a lesbian for years and knowing about my relationship with Frances for over a year and a half, they are still not OK with it. I am thinking of ceasing communication with my parents until/if they can accept me and my girlfriend. My brother thinks I should play super nice to them while gently asserting that my girlfriend and I are a unit, giving them a Christmas card signed from my girlfriend and me, mentioning that I am doing things with my gf more often, etc. He hopes that this will eventually bring them around to accepting us, but I don’t know. I have been bringing up my gf more to my mom in the past couple months and she hasn’t changed at all. I’ve heard the advice given that the main leverage an adult child has is their presence in their parents’ life, and that after a year or so if your parents don’t come around, then to cease contact with them until they do. My gf is in favour of me ceasing contact with them until they change. It breaks my heart to think of doing this. I’m scared my parents won’t actually change and that they’ll see me as having pushed them out of my life. I know they will be extremely sad if I don’t come to their house for Christmas morning, let them give me presents, etc. The other thing about this is that if I do cease contact with my parents, should I come out to extended family? My grandparents want me to come over to their place for Christmas dinner, where my parents will also be. I have never heard either of my grandparents mention anything about gay people and I worry terribly that they won't be able to handle it. So my questions are a)Should I cease contact with my parents until they accept me and my gf? And if so, b)Should I also come out to my grandparents so that they know what’s going on, why I won’t be at their place on xmas, etc.?
My situation was very similar to yours. I too have always been very independent and relied on my skills financially as opposed to my mother since my dad when I was 12 years old. Nonetheless, once she found out that I was gay, she decided to tell not only my immediate family but my extended family members as well. From that point on, I was outcasted and abandoned by my family for years. I was excluded from family events, holidays, etc. Once it was revealed that I was involved with a guy, if you thought things could not get any worse...think again. My name was never mentioned as a sibling or one of the children of my mom. However, it was the relationship that I had that got me through those difficult times and his family who embraced me and shower me with love. Over the years, while still abandoned, their behavior did not bother me anymore. Being abandoned by them became a blessing as opposed to being painful as well. In recent years, one sibling did reach out to me and even though she is the only one within the family circle that I have a somewhat genuine relationship with...unfortunately, she has the tendency to abandoned me still due to the ridicule she receives from the rest of the family members who do not speak to me unless they have a hidden agenda. With that being said...for me...ceasing all contact with family made me not only a very strong individual but very independent also. It also motivated me to achieve success with whatever I decided to pursue because I was told numerous times that I would be a failure and would never amount to anything. Needless to say, I am the most successful, educated and intelligent member of my whole family which brings negativity from them that I accept wholeheartedly because as weird as this may sound...their negativity is my motivation whenever I am approached about an opportunity that I might not feel worthy of pursuing initially. Best wishes to what ever decision you make...JS
Hi Jamesina, I'm so sorry you are going through this. Massive hugs to you and your girlfriend. I was disowned by my parents in my teens for being gay. I tried everything. Everything. To get them to listen, understand, accept in any way. 20 years later, I have not recovered. I'm married to an awesome woman, great jobs, friends, money, fur babies, holidays. I have everything I have ever dreamed of. But I have no family. My mind and my heart do not work properly because of this. Please, please, from the bottom of my heart please - do NOT cease contact. Trust me - it does not help. Instead, please tell them. Tell them everything. Your feelings, thoughts, everything in your heart. I understand it's all hard to say, so I recommend writing it all down. Write a letter, as long as u need. And ask them to write back. As long as they need. Write back and forth as much as u both need. Then bit by bit, try talking about it too. Expect shouting. And crying. Understand that it is grieving. But also, understand that if u KEEP talking and talking and shouting and crying and then more talking, they will come through their grief. And they will eventually accept. Please don't just cut them off. Try. Everything. It's what I wished I had another chance to do. I'm here u need to chat at any point with this. Sorry if that's all a muddle. I just had to comment. Hugsss
I don't think the previous poster's advice is necessarily the best for you. Your situation is different from hers; you aren't being disowned, and you've made attempts to get them to accept you. The advice you've mentioned about ceasing contact as a means of getting your parents to come around is correct; it is often one of the best ways to get your parents to pay attention. I know a number of people who have done this and it has been effective for them. I do think it makes sense to send them a letter and basically say that you need them to understand and accept who you are, and if they cannot, that, for your own emotional health, that you will have to minimize or cut off contact with them. That way, you're setting a boundary and an expectation, and the ball is in their court. They will then have to decide if they want a daughter they can accept, and are in contact with, or one that they reject, and don't have contact with. Almost certainly, they will (probably after some time) come around and want you in their lives. It is frustrating when parents do this to their kids, but usually when given the opportunity to make things right... and feeling what it is like to be isolated from their kids... most parents will make the right choice.
